the more you practice a certain pathway in your brain (i.e. thinking a positive thought instead of a negative one), the easier it gets to just do that action naturally, supposedly.

Supposedly.

all the hard work
and all the days to look forward to
all the time we put in

its all paying off better than we ever thought it could

and everything we went through
with greater lengths  
all the times we thought we wouldn't see it through

we made it and this is just the beginning

**** me and *******
i thought everything was cool
and now i gotta throw away
all the letters that you gave me
in my head
the whole a to z baby

you're probably nicer to the people you talk **** about than you are to me

"awesome! Glad you guys got it figured out"

"hahahaha no worries! I'll be home late tonight!!!!"

"This is great! Release a way"

"Wherever you want me to be? Can I come over?"

"Oh man."

"I hope I can see you when I come back!!"

"Take all the time."

it takes me a few tries to write something good about myself. but im still trying.

it takes me all of a few minutes to write something demeaning everything about myself, fully thought out, complete. zero seconds to write my first letter, it is almost immediate.

it takes me a few tries to write something good about myself. but im still trying.

so passive
deleting the words

the circle became a triangle
three sides to me  

can't breathe
i love when you choke me

texted you at 4am
sat on the kitchen counter and ate my pancakes
hoping to see the screen light up like your face
im so so far away

i once again hit the space too soon
and messed up the beat
to my own walk and tried to hold my head high

you cant patent the sky
or the grave that you dig for me

but i get in gladly

years in one place
it takes time to mold
and shed the dead weight

empty but not in the eyes
alone but not in the photo

tell me what you plan to grow to

they say that im the man but they dont even know you  

and i dont need to check the lens
when i loaded the film
check the keys and leave the purpose

molding around these lies and my speech is bad

"i heard she finally died"

"THANK GOD FINALLLLY"

went from the follower to the leader
the listener to the bleeder
i cant be mad that all my children are poppin

ok update everyone! convinced myself i might have type 2 diabetes for the night because my uncle died of it when he was 40 and i was 4. i can't remember age 0-4 and i think it might be because it was so traumatic to loose someone that cared about me that instead i erased the fact a person ever existed. i used to think that if something happened to you when you were young it doesn't count because you would be too young to even remember it. its 20 years later and i am starting to remember. remembering hurts.

thinking about you in a catch all
my hands keep moving but its still on
why are all these clothes still on
all i can think about while we get on

surviving but in a different kind of way
thriving off the art, the ideas, the concepts
its really all i need to live,

but when i cant support myself in the ways the world wants
i feel less
less than average
less than special
less than anything
no money, no food, no sleep

but trying harder and giving my everything
and that should count for something

in bloom and i cant beat this feeling.
good things in the air
green on the ground
in love in new ways than before
i hope you know

i hope you know

because we were just wasting time
and i just wish i had the stamina to do things

but the only thing on my mind is you
and every week that you is someone new

please don't use this against me
ive never seen blood gush against me before

big scene
no ring
pass time
to find the fast life

im breathing slow and moving fast
you talk a lot
so i'll have to pass

round up the lines and
im not feeling right
living a lie
just to find light

in a movie
just found out im the star
no one knew my name  
only that that i wasnt worth their time

the sun and the moon collided
and decided
that it was my time
and now all i can shout is

not you

its already been an hour. I  have a paper to write and a life to figure out by 3. coffee on my teeth and progress on my mind. the life i made for myself is all mine. but it took some time to realize, that life is more fun when you look at what else is being done, the amazing people that live, and the breathe that hangs low and makes you keep moving. it means more when you realize the process is the progress and the work is simply acquired time. not everything happens perfectly but everything happens the way its supposed to.

and thats just something that takes time to understand.

but you will soon,

and i pray for the day you do.

The blood drains from the top to the bottom on my face. There is no color. I felt light headed, but that was just the beginning of the summer. By the late months I couldn't see straight and at the end of the day magic tricks played tricks on me as the sun went down but refused to set. I saw stars. I saw **. Curious as to what took place I phoned a friend the next day. She said that I had been misinformed. She said that the blood on my sheets wasn't from the knife in my hand but was that of ----. She hung up or did I not listen? As far as I'm concerned it was never there.

i cant stop thinking about it cause
it is it is it
and thats **** is ******* hot

falling asleep in the sky again
never looked bad on me  
but rather whoever was talking

i wish that it was my life instead of theirs.

what does it mean when i dont want to be here anymore and other people don't even have the choice?

"these short sentences are so annoying" she said, "what you think you're a poet now because you put an odd space in the middle of a line or pressed enter a few times"

"well no" I said, "i think it is

more

than just that. I tried to write in complete sentences but in the third grade my teacher said that my writing was too straightforward. my writing was never used as the example to the rest of the class you know what i mean? So now i am just trying so desperately to be seen"

"well maybe instead you should take the time to actually articulate and rewrite drafts and make something of value to the academica" she snapped.

"WELL in that case I'll try to forget that my sister slammed a door in my face when I was eight and cut my finger so badly that it is now stuck on
space"

I stuttered.

"Unfortunately I was doomed to be here, and now you just look dumb"

not trying to talk too much
but i think i said too much

too little too much, i write next to you, your shoulders touch me , but you would never touch me. i heard the music starting to spike, i wish i could rewrite, the way we met, so it was just in my head. it was worth it, around 80 degrees, overworked every time, the ac went out last week. i see straight up, i decided the ceiling looked better, when the floor fell out, from under you.

more to talk about
till we laugh it out
i make you feel something
but i'm not going to stay

no, you don't understand where i've been running from

thought you were interested in the work
is it my talent or me?
the agenda is immature

i thought we were there for each other
i knew we would grow apart
who am i kidding
it was a no win situation.

but im still going to win
and thrive
and dive deep into my ideas,
only to never stop trying.

i will carry on, regardless.

she writes in a haze and everything makes sense. if i was on ssri's i might take the risk over feeling like this. nevermind that was stupid to say because how can you know when you've experienced it. find a way to survive soon or this is gonna be a little bit messy.

we fell in love
racing toward the sky
left me on the earth
looked me in my mind
felt between the thighs
make me understand why

not going through  it again
not gonna do it again
question the times you looked in my eyes

too far behind
left it on the left side
to the far side

the pretty music left me on the floor
and ill be curious forever more

i sulk in corners
i take my time

it seems impossible to not write about myself
or the lover that wasted my life

pausing time became my pass time

tell me to get out of the way
                                                y
yy

and i will or

punch  me in the face
                                          e
                                       e   e  
and watch me stay

were all doing too much
and sleeping too little
the clocks running out
and im not sure what we'll become
but i can only hope for the best

keeping my eyes above sea level
was never what i wanted

i hope that, if you ever feel not ok
or lower than low
if you ever feel hate,
or are blessed with love

that you know that your apart of a family
that is here for you
whomever you may become

i write all at once. with little edits. no going back.

only one half baked idea after another.

i hit delete space
back to space next
hoping to figure out what im doing without making a mess


not sure how to make connections when left and right don't make things straight. my head is on backwards, placed left of the door, where you hung me out to dry. the ***** laundry you had in your backseat was more than just the jeans, button downs that took note of the fact. the rhythm i held my high with turned out to be off beat. we havent talked in days, months, years? it seems to only have been hours. the coach wears a stopwatch and tells me that if i want to be good enough i have to connect the dots. i dont really want to go to bed, but i dont want to stay awake when ive been thinking of all the ifs, ands, coulds. All the times I used my left hand when my kneecap begged to feel the concrete.

ive decided that if i write a self critical poem then it must be followed by something hopeful I've realized recently. its 2020 and i feel like ive finally watched a movie that can articulate how i think about things. its like ive been trying to find the words and someone finally said them the way i'm thinking about them. i can finally breathe out. in a good way. if i can use movies to make sense of things, thats a good thing. if i can use photos to make sense of things, thats a good thing. when i act on that i feel better. i can follow through.

i created a story in my head again. that we could be together again. i forgot what you go by now. its been a few years now. you'll understand again. and ill bite my cheek out.

the world is bigger
the world is brighter
there is more to accomplish
always more to do

more to love
more to change

i cant believe this
i love you
not who i thought
but who i am

to dance around in circles
im getting straight to the point
you care about the graze of a look
and the touch of the skin

but i never cared who you are
only what came between the if buts and whens

thought about the sidewalk leading up to your house
the lightning bugs we caught along the way
the stairs up to the door
the blanket that rested on the couch
the pans in the sink
the tv in the shaded room
the statues in the backyard
the tomatoes we used to pick
the basement i was scared of
the filled up washing machine
the upstairs rooms filled with treasures
the secret door that lead to no where

i miss that house
i miss you more
im sorry i wasn't there to say goodbye

the last song that I listened to plays on default in my head. It fills the space between my last thought and my next. I told you I missed you but how could I when I can't even express how I feel about you. It is confusing. I count the hours when I'm with you but dream about spending time with you. It is being a shell of a person. I say shell because I am still strong on the outside. It is not simply a layer that you peel back. Not something you poke and ****. It is something you break with a baseball bat and it hurts.

if your too busy
then i assume you dont care

i keep to myself for reason i cannot explain
i do not feel comfortable
sharing,
explaining,
but i don't want to make you unhappy
that is the toughest part

i am most upset with myself for not being honest
for saying the next time will be the time i come clean
now everything is so messy
i feel like its better to leave it as is  
and go back to being alone rather than try to tell you now,
i can't even envision what would happen after that

its takes 15 steps forward just to catch up with the others. i misplaced the words that came out of your mouth. i thought you said death, but you said debt. they aren't so different either way but i feel like an idiot. while i feel very lost at least i don't feel stagnant. feeling changes has to be a symptom of something.

the intensity just comes off so so so annoying
i hate trying too hard
can i not try at all

everything you do seems effortless im trying to get back to that

dont text dont text
words never came out of my mouth correctly
but you came on my back and never left
id rather have come on my fingers