remember to never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever
ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever

compare yourself

say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name

please

and we fall in love
cherries in the groves
lime sugar love
unable to grow

can we take it back
forget what i said
blocked until the next time
left me on read
regret what you said
thought the best time

headache in my chest
text message in your breath
hiding til the next time
creeping on the rest
if you just press send
we’ll forget the flatline

writing the pain away
until my soul wont ache

and my sense of humor comes back
and I start seeing color in my day

because this black and white is hurting my eyes
and the lack of energy you're giving me is deceiving

it was freezing cold in my room when i looked out my window and saw you. standing in between trees covered in snow and leftover freeze. the seasons are ******* you when you can't go inside. completely numb i felt nothing outside. my room was a blue, your skin was covered in red. frost bite looks different when you're off your meds.

this is literally about to be chaotic af but here we go

ALL ON ME/ ALL ON YOU

FEELING IT CAUSE IM

ALL ON YOU/ ALL ON ME

YOU LOOK DIFFERENT WHEN IM MANIC BUT OK WHEN IM NOT
SO THATS BETTER THAN MOST

this switch might be all that i needed and your all that i needed
not
but thats ok cause i think i might like you alot but not too much just enough just enough/ wish you would think about texting me back but i just let the facetime drop/ both airpods in were about to get i t an d  i l et it go but then i rea d  it and pu t it b ac k cau se i keep dis a ppear ing a nd reappe ari ng in fu nny pla ces

read today that it matters what color flowers you put in your house
what finger you wear a ring on

and that a low mirror can make you feel like you lost your head

big head
bigger moves

can't forget that i did this and you did that

but either way we stay golden

doing the most to make sure people know
how much you do
instead of just doing it

are you really doing that much?

if its not there it never will be
and not everything works out like your favorite song
the melodies so precise they take time
and time is of the essence and never for the weak
only the strong
and the stronger
can take the chance on someone
and give it the energy to make it work

the disappointment is never the other person
but rather
that you could've tried harder yourself

and today is rough so i'll leave this here.

would love to talk about it, if i felt you were near.

I wanted to be smooth, and soft around the edges.

instead i sliced through every moment we had together.

thinking about the next
not you
not you
not you

thinking about the best
not you not you not you

dont want to hear about it anymore
not you.

no use in staying friends

twister in the soda
peach in the thighs
lying alone in my room
touch myself to success

replacing the words should, could, and want is at the top on my agenda. for now, for later, i'll feel better, if i do this. i feel literal. i feel analytical. i feel hard pressed. words come to me in a linear line with the beginning, middle and ending. is that why life feels a little confusing scrubbing through the timeline

the existential dread i feel is enough for
(two)
lifetimes

and i wasted all my energy typing this out instead of the work i should be finishing

people talk to me and i listen but i might as well be dead
and then they walk away wondering what they just witnessed

so intense it moves from my body to yours
finally you understand
finally, finally, i made something for myself.
because when you're waiting for the right moment you're usually waiting on someone else.

i cried.

opening to the good
closing to the past
not forgetting
but giving myself space

I have too many tabs open
for my soul to regulate

were manic on different weekdays
timezones
zones //zone

matching up at the perfect time

i try not to think too hard

I WISH I COULD BE GOOD FOR YOU BUT IM NOT
AND I SIT BEHIND THIS SCREEN WAITING FOR YOU TO CATCH ME
BUT YOU WONT

I WANTED TO BE QUIET SO BAD BUT I ENDED UP BEING TOO LOUD
AND MAKING A MESS WITH THESE HANDS
PAINT ON ALL THE WALLS
DREW ON EVERY MOTION OF YOU

IT DIDNT HAVE TO BE THIS SERIOUS
IT DIDNT HAVE TO BE LIKE

the next part of my life is just around the corner.
we are staring each other in the face
and shes telling me its time

time to come see how good life can be

always saying one line too much and i wrote this with my yes closed

i still have a long way to go but
you better respect how far I've come

and if you don't
there will be a bigger problem
than the earth's quake
and the shape of your face

because I've grown from flowers  
and turned yellow

and i didn't even want it
throw it in the trash just to flaunt it

point it out and run it out
talking so loud, turn it down

i used to have a pack
traded it in for a band and then some

no use for all that when your something great

waited all day for a hard drive that didn't show.
took a moment to think about the fact that I'm not making any money.
feeling okay because i'm scared to write otherwise.
my computer screen is hurting my eyes.

but what if i can?
do this.
people have faith in me and i can't,
blow this.

never an option and that makes me excited.
i just have to figure things out with me.
maybe i have things down on one side
but the other side is a mirror that reflects something i dont like.  

after this i think i might need to get
balanced.

process is progress is product

am i afraid to get to close because of what id lose or because of what you'd see

where did my insides go???

waking me up in the middle of the night
so i dont forget that you're there
but i roll over to my side
and ignore you

no one knows you
and im better off alone

and im a saint now
you would get it because this was crazy

wanna make something worth it
i will
wanna pray for my peoples
i will
i wanna get there wherever that is
i will

i will say it

finished watching my show and it seems to end perfectly. not sure how movies and shows tell me everything i need to know but im glad they do. the rest is learned from experiences. do i really have something to tell to people? if you're making something you must. and with every piece that you make you give a little part of you away. but you also take a little piece of something else.

as long as we keep
floating,
we're drifting
and spinning away

further apart and my hands hurt
if i let go soon
the trees will be bleak
and the sky will bleed the red that runs from my eyes

all forgiven
and we run through the color corrected forest
hoping that this will be over soon

seems like days get more spaced out or im falling in and out of consciousness and can only remember that the seconds change every hour and the minutes last a month. its been a few years, and judging by my timeline it feels like almost a decade. sometimes i still feel like it might of worked. sometimes i don't remember your name. sometimes i feel it all. it feels so distant its almost feels invalid. how dare the thought even cross my mind. whenever i hear it knocking on my window i slam it shut and the humidity makes me sweat out the sickness. i cant seem to move my arms, my legs, my hands, my head into a new space, into a new person. i can't even ******* sit up.

go ahead and figure your life
while i sit back
and tell you all the things that you want to say

now i know that it wont be long
and my fingers can't sit still
let me write your next favorite trend

if you listen
and feel the energy
the world gives you signs
and helps you know
you're doing this right

he said he was

watching svu

but

he never

replied.

because something will happen and ill realize that you're looking out for yourself

and i need to look out for myself
and im running out of time

so im looking out for my worst side and taking the names
instead of the hits


if you notice me take a step back

curious if i cross your mind? we just started to get to know each other and i already feel like im trying too hard. you wanted me and then i felt it too. but now we haven't talked in a while and im afraid to write you first. maybe if we both ignore it, it never happened. if i brought it up, it never came up. if you say it first, it wasn't a waste of time. but only if you say it first.

its been a while since i felt that way

MAYBE:

constantly bleeding outside the image because im too much MAYBE

LATER:

walking home in the dark always makes me trip

on here i tend to let it spill out, until i figure it out
but today i realized that if everything is too much
that i should listen instead of taking on something else

if you cannot commit your best, then whats the point
and if you cannot give yourself some love, then whats the point

better to work hard, than work busily
and better to give something love and watch it grow

i can see through the window
but you can't see me
under the covers
and out of sight
ill hide in plain daylight
trying to not make a sound
but unsure of what i might overturn
keeping to myself
is the only thing I've learned

if you move forward, you impact more than you'll ever believe
just one shake makes the whole picture

side by side
perfectly in line
to make the circle
around my head
in outspace
with diamonds in my eyes
and a price on my tongue
my numbers too high
the dual tones
and my vision is unseen
right in between
there aren't even lines

i need higher stakes
and clear takes

thought that story was the one but its just practice
good for my soul but still not compared to you

the next phase is in june
hoping you all will just stay tuned

everyone acting manic today
cause someone made it
and they gotta get on the team

i guess when i check socials it feels like i need someone to tell me im doing something right, well, correct, even if it comes in the form of a like, share, comment. what im really craving is someone to give me real advice, real compliments, real talks. its easy to cover one up with the other, but it is not easy to confuse. i know i can see the difference clearly.

is this how i feel or is it how im supposed to feel. i hope to understand the difference fully. it takes time. im supposed to use my senses to feel things to calm the nonstop talking in my head. its working. i feel the ridges of my two front teeth. the keys im pressing feel smooth. i think i smell the lemon from my dinner and i hear the ac, my show, a small hum, room tone.