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saint Dec 2019
were manic on different weekdays
timezones
zones //zone

matching up at the perfect time

i try not to think too hard
Dec 2019 · 116
uwu in tucson
saint Dec 2019
this is literally about to be chaotic af but here we go

ALL ON ME/ ALL ON YOU

FEELING IT CAUSE IM

ALL ON YOU/ ALL ON ME

YOU LOOK DIFFERENT WHEN IM MANIC BUT OK WHEN IM NOT
SO THATS BETTER THAN MOST

this switch might be all that i needed and your all that i needed
not
but thats ok cause i think i might like you alot but not too much just enough just enough/ wish you would think about texting me back but i just let the facetime drop/ both airpods in were about to get i t an d  i l et it go but then i rea d  it and pu t it b ac k cau se i keep dis a ppear ing a nd reappe ari ng in fu nny pla ces
Dec 2019 · 58
Untitled
saint Dec 2019
falling asleep in the sky again
never looked bad on me  
but rather whoever was talking
Dec 2019 · 66
DONT DO THIS AGAIN
saint Dec 2019
IF FROSTBITE REALLY LOOKS SO DIFFERENT
THEN I WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE IN THE SUN

I WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE SHOWN
NEVER MEANT TO MEAN ENOUGH

SIDEWAYS THOUGHTS WERE ALL IT EVER WAS
Dec 2019 · 60
sometimes my heart sinks
saint Dec 2019
because we were just wasting time
and i just wish i had the stamina to do things

but the only thing on my mind is you
and every week that you is someone new

please don't use this against me
ive never seen blood gush against me before
Dec 2019 · 57
lesser and less
saint Dec 2019
i once again hit the space too soon
and messed up the beat
to my own walk and tried to hold my head high

you cant patent the sky
or the grave that you dig for me

but i get in gladly
Dec 2019 · 147
regards,
saint Dec 2019
he said he was

watching svu

but

he never

replied.
Dec 2019 · 75
socials so distracting
saint Dec 2019
two words are enough to make you put it in reserve
go back to my page cause you love it
and i saw you through the window
but you never came through you dont love it
Dec 2019 · 55
interesting
saint Dec 2019
"these short sentences are so annoying" she said, "what you think you're a poet now because you put an odd space in the middle of a line or pressed enter a few times"

"well no" I said, "i think it is

more

than just that. I tried to write in complete sentences but in the third grade my teacher said that my writing was too straightforward. my writing was never used as the example to the rest of the class you know what i mean? So now i am just trying so desperately to be seen"

"well maybe instead you should take the time to actually articulate and rewrite drafts and make something of value to the academica" she snapped.

"WELL in that case I'll try to forget that my sister slammed a door in my face when I was eight and cut my finger so badly that it is now stuck on
space"

I stuttered.

"Unfortunately I was doomed to be here, and now you just look dumb"
saint Dec 2019
i cant stop thinking about it cause
it is it is it
and thats **** is ******* hot
saint Dec 2019
and this feels like 2017 again
and that was a good year but
will 2019 feel like 2021
and so on

if i only reset every once and a while
then i dont really need to be here for a while
cause i'll be back every other
and every odd will feel like the other
saint Dec 2019
trying to finish everything in one gulp
you look good in my side eye
but maybe its just your hand down my pants
my mind cant stop thinking about it

you got me wet and then gave up
and i thought thats what i was going to do
Dec 2019 · 58
the nerve on HER
saint Dec 2019
"i heard she finally died"

"THANK GOD FINALLLLY"
saint Dec 2019
the bed is colder than i remember
but i only remember the summer

only meant to be left to the side
perfect for the times you're not busy
and this trip might be the last one for me

if i cut the cord will you still call?
you know we have cell phones now
and i keep my air pods in just in case i catch your stare
Dec 2019 · 85
hairs getting long
saint Dec 2019
touch my toes
lick my wrist
smell the salt
sick in the sand

wait for me next time
Dec 2019 · 77
this makes it hard too
saint Dec 2019
split in half
we thought you would be dead by now
when it actually happens
they scream FINALLY

and we sit in the shadows
next year we won't have to be where we are
we could graduate into the darkness forever
where no one could tell me anything
Dec 2019 · 73
wintertime is here!
saint Dec 2019
backyard looking a little dead
phone looking like i was left on read

how th e fu ck am i supposed to pick up these leaves
when my hand is twea k ing from this coffee

my fence is 10 feet tall
if i see your stupid *** head

i might grab the rake
and if my phone rings again

some silence might be what we need
Nov 2019 · 134
no response
saint Nov 2019
lifeless
on my phone
like i was just at home now
but im across the road
in a new state
and now a new life

holding on to what i can
im so unhappy
im

am i enough of that
why do they hate me
why cant words come out of my mouth correctly

im writing this but i don't really even want to hear what you say
saint Nov 2019
because something will happen and ill realize that you're looking out for yourself

and i need to look out for myself
and im running out of time

so im looking out for my worst side and taking the names
instead of the hits


if you notice me take a step back
saint Nov 2019
i think about him
and i think about falling in love with him
a feeling of safety
a feeling of comfort

i think about her
and i think about the whole earth shattering without her
a feeling of movement
a feeling of change
Nov 2019 · 76
laptops in the corner
saint Nov 2019
yes we just had a fight  
we stared at each other for hours at a time
but she said nothing

so i put her there
so i never have to write again
and instead ill bottle up these feelings
and become SO BRIGHT
that my laptop screen will look dim at night
Nov 2019 · 7.1k
thats enough for today
saint Nov 2019
remember to never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever
ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever

compare yourself
saint Nov 2019
read today that it matters what color flowers you put in your house
what finger you wear a ring on

and that a low mirror can make you feel like you lost your head
saint Nov 2019
the existential dread i feel is enough for
(two)
lifetimes

and i wasted all my energy typing this out instead of the work i should be finishing

people talk to me and i listen but i might as well be dead
and then they walk away wondering what they just witnessed
Nov 2019 · 142
no looking back now
saint Nov 2019
i have to remind myself to be honest. if nothing else, be honest. i know you love her, be honest. i know its hard to say no, be honest. only do what you like, be honest. it will forever not be alright, be honest. if its out of touch, be honest. if i want you back, be honest.

and if you're so honest. you better follow through
Nov 2019 · 442
an online diary of progress
saint Nov 2019
it was freezing cold in my room when i looked out my window and saw you. standing in between trees covered in snow and leftover freeze. the seasons are ******* you when you can't go inside. completely numb i felt nothing outside. my room was a blue, your skin was covered in red. frost bite looks different when you're off your meds.
Nov 2019 · 66
the waiting room
saint Nov 2019
INT PURGATORY

A room full of well dressed NYU kids that are all A & Rs, models, artists, and film students chat in a the corner. Buzz cuts everywhere. The spotify pollen playlist plays on repeat.

A point and shoot rises and FLASH. You've made it to a scene where well dressed and well connected kids think they know everything in the world. They think their parents money gives them a vision. And the number of monthly listeners that the data brought in actually means something.

If you try to say something about that tho, you're blocked by the deciders of the culture. So you better work for free and give them all your ideas so their shallow lifestyles don't seem so wishy washy.

After all? You need the connections and exposure pays the bills now!
Nov 2019 · 79
falling behind in class
saint Nov 2019
i like you and it feels like
i don't know how to form the shape of a letter
and the word forms took too long to sound out
so i nodded in your direction
and looked at you so intensely  
only hoping you'd get the message
Nov 2019 · 79
gut feelings
saint Nov 2019
if you watched through a window of my life
youd see me trying so hard to figure out what is real and fake
that i missed the point completely
that all that really matters is what i make
and what i like
and what i feel

because i feel so deeply people think its a joke
its too hard to even speak of because whenever i try my facetime freezes

and this poor connection is upsetting
saint Oct 2019
am i afraid to get to close because of what id lose or because of what you'd see

where did my insides go???
saint Oct 2019
i thought about running into you. not you, but YOU. if i saw your face, i would fall to the ground and close my eyes until you weren't there. nothing different to when we were together. does everything compare to you? did i lose everything that i wanted? with a few words, with one night. it was so so long ago. too long ago to remember it correctly. but i still remember you were sunlit. and now i cant let anyone close enough.
saint Oct 2019
curious if i cross your mind? we just started to get to know each other and i already feel like im trying too hard. you wanted me and then i felt it too. but now we haven't talked in a while and im afraid to write you first. maybe if we both ignore it, it never happened. if i brought it up, it never came up. if you say it first, it wasn't a waste of time. but only if you say it first.
Sep 2019 · 1.8k
Untitled
saint Sep 2019
say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name

please
saint Aug 2019
waited all day for a hard drive that didn't show.
took a moment to think about the fact that I'm not making any money.
feeling okay because i'm scared to write otherwise.
my computer screen is hurting my eyes.

but what if i can?
do this.
people have faith in me and i can't,
blow this.

never an option and that makes me excited.
i just have to figure things out with me.
maybe i have things down on one side
but the other side is a mirror that reflects something i dont like.  

after this i think i might need to get
balanced.
being lopsided and slowly disappearing is a tough combo
Jul 2019 · 152
im better off alone
saint Jul 2019
waking me up in the middle of the night
so i dont forget that you're there
but i roll over to my side
and ignore you

no one knows you
and im better off alone
pillow talk
Jul 2019 · 118
can you fucking sit up
saint Jul 2019
seems like days get more spaced out or im falling in and out of consciousness and can only remember that the seconds change every hour and the minutes last a month. its been a few years, and judging by my timeline it feels like almost a decade. sometimes i still feel like it might of worked. sometimes i don't remember your name. sometimes i feel it all. it feels so distant its almost feels invalid. how dare the thought even cross my mind. whenever i hear it knocking on my window i slam it shut and the humidity makes me sweat out the sickness. i cant seem to move my arms, my legs, my hands, my head into a new space, into a new person. i can't even ******* sit up.
where is next?
Jun 2019 · 148
STARTING MY DAY IN ALL CAPS
saint Jun 2019
I WISH I COULD BE GOOD FOR YOU BUT IM NOT
AND I SIT BEHIND THIS SCREEN WAITING FOR YOU TO CATCH ME
BUT YOU WONT

I WANTED TO BE QUIET SO BAD BUT I ENDED UP BEING TOO LOUD
AND MAKING A MESS WITH THESE HANDS
PAINT ON ALL THE WALLS
DREW ON EVERY MOTION OF YOU

IT DIDNT HAVE TO BE THIS SERIOUS
IT DIDNT HAVE TO BE LIKE
Jun 2019 · 226
if only
saint Jun 2019
and today is rough so i'll leave this here.

would love to talk about it, if i felt you were near.

I wanted to be smooth, and soft around the edges.

instead i sliced through every moment we had together.
i drove around in endless circles
saint May 2019
i need higher stakes
and clear takes

thought that story was the one but its just practice
good for my soul but still not compared to you

the next phase is in june
hoping you all will just stay tuned
May 2019 · 141
talking now????
saint May 2019
and im a saint now
you would get it because this was crazy

wanna make something worth it
i will
wanna pray for my peoples
i will
i wanna get there wherever that is
i will

i will say it
May 2019 · 111
buckle up
saint May 2019
everyone acting manic today
cause someone made it
and they gotta get on the team
from the runner ups
May 2019 · 74
self titled (#2)
saint May 2019
feel like im overflowing
but cant say a word
and i always kept it positive
didnt say a word

but you fell back
and put me off track
just like you ******* planned it
too much pain to understand it

my left hand felt it
and my right hand curled
turned around and saw the evidence
that i was never what you deserved
it was always right there
May 2019 · 74
curious
saint May 2019
thought about you
thought about him
im just so curious
i cant stay the same
fly by me
May 2019 · 71
a wonderful weekend
saint May 2019
settling into a new place.
making it home

its not just being here
but being apart of here

it was harder than i thought,
but its all starting to come together
and to feel like home
give me a little more time
Apr 2019 · 75
please give me a minute
saint Apr 2019
no ones doing great

but theres still room for

growth  

the timing is just about there
or a few more
saint Apr 2019
in bloom and i cant beat this feeling.
good things in the air
green on the ground
in love in new ways than before
i hope you know

i hope you know
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