ok update everyone! convinced myself i might have type 2 diabetes for the night because my uncle died of it when he was 40 and i was 4. i can't remember age 0-4 and i think it might be because it was so traumatic to loose someone that cared about me that instead i erased the fact a person ever existed. i used to think that if something happened to you when you were young it doesn't count because you would be too young to even remember it. its 20 years later and i am starting to remember. remembering hurts.

you're probably nicer to the people you talk **** about than you are to me

it takes me a few tries to write something good about myself. but im still trying.

it takes me all of a few minutes to write something demeaning everything about myself, fully thought out, complete. zero seconds to write my first letter, it is almost immediate.

it takes me a few tries to write something good about myself. but im still trying.

i get a call from you and you want something from me. i get a call from them and they just want me to come home. it is impossible to be in two places at once but i try anyway and end up nowhere at all. two unhealthy attachments and they seem impossible to break. and you're enabling bad behavior everywhere you look. white girl. white girl. white girl. they say you're the problem and you are but what do you do when you like it because you're conditioned to like it. a comparison is the worst compliment you can give me.

ive decided that if i write a self critical poem then it must be followed by something hopeful I've realized recently. its 2020 and i feel like ive finally watched a movie that can articulate how i think about things. its like ive been trying to find the words and someone finally said them the way i'm thinking about them. i can finally breathe out. in a good way. if i can use movies to make sense of things, thats a good thing. if i can use photos to make sense of things, thats a good thing. when i act on that i feel better. i can follow through.

its takes 15 steps forward just to catch up with the others. i misplaced the words that came out of your mouth. i thought you said death, but you said debt. they aren't so different either way but i feel like an idiot. while i feel very lost at least i don't feel stagnant. feeling changes has to be a symptom of something.

the last song that I listened to plays on default in my head. It fills the space between my last thought and my next. I told you I missed you but how could I when I can't even express how I feel about you. It is confusing. I count the hours when I'm with you but dream about spending time with you. It is being a shell of a person. I say shell because I am still strong on the outside. It is not simply a layer that you peel back. Not something you poke and ****. It is something you break with a baseball bat and it hurts.