i closed my eyes at 8:30. Woke up again at 10. Told myself to work on things instead of just laying in bed. Laid there and went in and out of sleep. Checked the clock. 10:40. Go to bed. Work on something. Go to bed. Loose consciousness. Check again. 11:35.  Put on a show. Turn off the lights. Try not to think. Try not to think. Try not to think. Check again. It must be morning. 4:10. A show is still playing. Although the season finished and something else started playing. My eyes hurt.

connection is the easiest thing to achieve in the world. clarity is what gets to me. i cannot say a single word out loud. if i could just finish that sentence. the one that i wrote last week. I already talked about it with whoever lived in my head at the time. a day later, they vanish. we talk about unnecessary places, but i can't remember their name.
last year, that was important.
this year, this is important.

think before you speak might be the worst thing ever said.

the intensity just comes off so so so annoying
i hate trying too hard
can i not try at all

everything you do seems effortless im trying to get back to that

dont text dont text
words never came out of my mouth correctly
but you came on my back and never left
id rather have come on my fingers

i write all at once. with little edits. no going back.

only one half baked idea after another.

the text was sent, i lit up. another was sent. i turned over to my side and looked at the wall for an extended amount of time. instead of responding i created new ideas in my head. places i would rather spend time in. versions of people that didn't exist, that always understood me. there were some that made me happy, some that made me sad, so sad, i cried. these people weren't real? why did i feel more towards them. i fell back asleep and when i woke up i felt clear headed. i responded to that text. i knew what i wanted.

i keep to myself for reason i cannot explain
i do not feel comfortable
sharing,
explaining,
but i don't want to make you unhappy
that is the toughest part