I already know he doesn't love me
If he had he wouldn't have left
I know he hates me
I know he doesn't want to be my dad
I already know all of it
I know I'm the daughter he didn't want
And I know he never loved me
I'm unloved by him
It's something I've known for years
You don't have to keep reminding me that I'm unloved
Because I tell myself that everyday
I repeat in my head over and over again
Stop reminding me I'm unloved

I look around and all I see is love
Something that brings happiness to all
Except me
I look around and I see people hugging
I see people holding hands and kissing
I will never have that
I will never have the one
Love is a gift that I don't have
It is a gift I'll never have
I want to be loved by someone
But no one wants to love me

You call yourself my friend then you treat me like trash
I'm tired of the crap
If you don't like me don't talk to me
It's not hard to just leave me alone
Stop pretending to be my friend
Just go away

I miss her
My sister
You know the one I used to have
The happy one
The one who laughed with me
Played games with me
And watched movies with me

But she went away years ago
Now I had an isolated sister
One that lied to me
Yelled at me
And threatened me

Now you're all grown up and moved out
You work all the time
Have a son I get to babysit
And have your own place
I'm happy for you
But I miss you

Of the 3 different sides of you
The happy, kind, loving side
The mean, lying, hurtful side
And the working, adult side
The happy sister I once had is the one I will always remember
But no matter what side of you I see I will always love you
Because you are my older sister
No matter what happens


(Side story) I remember once when I was younger I was really upset and I was crying so my sister took me to get some ice cream from the selma pantry and she got me a cookie from pizza king with her own money.

These are the things I choose remember the fun things not the bad things.

I pray
That one day you will stop
Stop hurting and stop cutting
I pray every night and everyday
That you will end up okay
I can't stop you so I just cry
I pray that you won't accidentally cut too deep
And that everything will be fine
Then I open my eyes and realize
Life doesn't have happy endings

They say I'm
Annoying, stupid, good for nothing
*****, ****, *****, ugly, fat, weird.

They say all those rude things
To my face
Everyday

I say I'm
Cool, layed back, smart, good for something
Not a **** or a *****, beautiful,
Amazing just the way I am

Being a ***** is hard work
But someone has to do it

I am how god made me
I will stay that way
Forever

Love youreslf
No matter what people say

<3

People in my family look at me and say
Where has the time gone
All I say back is
Away

They look at me and say it all the time
Things like why did you grow up so fast?
Or stop growing up

I look at them and say
Something like what are you talking about? It took me years to look this fabulous
Or if I could I would

Sometimes my comebacks are silly
Sometimes they are serious

There is just that one question that I hate being asked
Where did that little girl go?
To that I say
She grew up
But in my head I think
she died a long time ago

They ask it all the time
And I say something different every time
But I always think the same thing

*that little girl died a long time ago

"I love you"
Lie one

"I'll never hurt you"
Lie two

"You're my one and only"
Lie three

"I'll never leave you to fight alone"
Lie four

You lie a little then lie some more

"I'll love you forever"

Guess forever means never

"I'll never say goodbye"

please just stop with the lies

We talked for the first time in forever
Seeing you made me happier than I already was
I joked and brought a smile to your face
You joked but it didn't sound like a joke
You said it so I guess it's true
We would never work out
You don't see us happening
So I guess I should drop the hope we will

I'm falling
In slow motion

And he is the one
The one who pushed me

Pushed me down
This never ending hole

I'm falling
Slowly

He pushed me down this hole
Then jumped with me

We are falling together
Then we hit the bottom

I cannot focus
I can not function at all
I am so hungry

I looked around again today
I saw all these couples
But this time I didn't cry
I wasn't sad
I was happy
Because I'm no longer alone
I have him
He is with me
Next to me
Holding my hand
And setting my heart on fire

Who knew a small silver blade could do so much damage?

Who knew that one would lead to two
That two would lead to three
Three would lead to four
And that four would lead to more

More cuts that scarred over
Cuts I couldn't stop making
Cuts that I made with a small silver blade

I'm used to failing
It's sad but I'm used to it
I fail all the time

one cut
two cut
three cut
four
cut a little
then cut some more*

It takes away my pain
But it would just be easier to end it all
I want to
The pain would be gone and so would I

I won't do it though
Because of him
He keeps me alive
He helps me thrive
I love him
He loves me
He makes me happy

He is the reason I'm alive

one cut
two cut
three cut
four
you hurt
then hurt me some more
you said I love you
first cut
said you cared
second cut
kissed me
third cut
held me
fourth cut
left me
more cuts

I'm jealous,
How do you not see that?
I'm jealous of Taylor, Grant and Keyera
Jealous of whoever is holding that isn't me
I'm hurt,
I know you saw me crying
you ignored it
you said you loved me
said you cared
and I believed you
I'm disappointed
You are just throwing it all away
All the time we shared
All the things we did
All of it
for someone who is going to hurt you
I'm broken
I loved you
You didn't care
I'm over it,
The heart break
The depression
The crying
All of it

You're back
Cool
I missed you
But you were gone
For almost 5 years
You can't just come back and pretend you were here
That's not how it works
Believe me I'm so happy you're back
But you missed so much
For five years you were gone
You cannot just pretend those five years never happened
It was hard for me
Really hard
I cried so much
Shedding so many tears
It hurt when you decided to disappear

I thought what we had would last
God was I wrong
I was so stupid to think
That all the I love you's and you're the best's were real
You don't mean any of it
We were together for a month then you broke up with me
I still loved you
You said you still loved me
We got back together
That was a mistake
I fell for your **** again
I believed what you said
We were together for about two weeks that time
Then I broke up with you
We stayed friends
I still loved you
You said you felt the same
We stayed broken up for about a month
You asked me out while we were on FaceTime
It made me so happy
You said I love you
Then you just stopped texting
When you do text it is one syllable words
I still love you
I don't know why I do
After all that pain
Half of my heart still beats for you
I don't know why
I wish it would stop
Even though we are through
You still break my heart a little more every day
So please tell me
Why does half my heart keep beating for you