last year you died.
but really,
two nights ago you died.

you died doing what you love,
but that doesn't make me
any less angry at the world
for taking you from us.

forget us.
my mind is spinning in circles
because you gave so much
and had so much left to give
it's not fair you fell taking that picture
that likely would have opened people up
the moment they saw it
and read your sweet soothing to the world.

so young.
you realized your dreams so young.
most never do in a lifetime,
i guess that means your time was up.

you know what they say,
only the good die young baby.

You have been told that rapists were men in black hoodies
hidden in twisting shadows and dark alleyways.
****** offenders were always leering old men in rags;
never blonde haired and blue eyed and always smiling-
not once did you think to question the intentions
of his warm and familiar fingertips.
When you find yourself locked in his claws
and he tells you
that you must want it
don’t be a tease.
Look at what you’re wearing.
A sliver of skin mistaken for an invitation.
Do not be surprised when your mother
also asks you what you were wearing-
but do not forget.
Remember this for the next time.
You will also try to convince yourself that you asked him to,
but the scars on your sister
and the tribe of women with cut out tongues and pleading eyes
who stare back at you from your reflection
tell another story.
Tell your mother that no matter how many flowers she throws over the mass grave
she cannot hide the stench of rotting corpses,
do not pretend that you are okay when you feel all the lights inside of you begin to shut off
because your body has grown tired of sounding alarms and raising knives
against intruders who wield toxic gas and atomic bombs.
You have been taught to hold your tongue and to smile like nothing is wrong
but now your mouth is filled with your own bite marks and it is hard to hide the blood.
You should not have to.
Your words can crumble empires
and redeem centuries of trauma embedded in bleeding wombs.
It is time you used them to stand up for yourself.

01:52 am
have you ever asked yourself like why you so lonely?*

01:53 am
or empty?

that maybe you give too much of your essence to people and never leave any of you for yourself

01:55 am
i know i do

02:05 am
and like that's maybe why i get so attached to humans

because in them,
i find myself

02:07 am
i need to change, because things shouldn't be this way

02:10 am
but it's hard sometimes you know, when most days you don't leave the house because you feel unworthy of the space you take up

02:16 am
so you'd much rather disintegrate into soil because you've become all too familiar with people stepping over you and admiring the outcome of your beauty but never the roots of your pain

02:19 am
i spend so much effort watering people in order for them to grow and hardly get enough sun shine to feed my own soul

02:25 am*
because i don't know how to do anything else but care for everyone but myself

painting pictures in my head
with the brush of memories
that exist because i do
& so do you

discovering & remembering

being in two places at once:
here
&
the part where i'm not anymore

two narrators in my mind:
soak it all in, it's beautiful
&
because you soon you won't be here

browsing through the works of art
stone carved in my mind
will sustain me & soothe the pain
of missing the pieces of my heart
i don't get to touch everyday

& from now until i hold them again
my mantra will be:

these goodbye's are temporary
soon we will meet
on the other side of ourselves
& i can't wait
to get to know you again

a smile
is a chemical reaction
not something you can fashion
into a trend
with curves you can bend
into something you can define
as if we all live on the same line

the same axis of existence
where you listlessly persist
to always be the demon
robbing our lives of meaning
to keep us from seething
and screaming and fighting
the idea that we should take this lightly

this numbing score
written in front of us on the floor
determining who we will be
and where we will go
but just so you know
we're not sitting out
of this round
without making a sound:
hear our collective *******
while we spew
truth and fact
to combat
the mold you've manufactured
to keep my smile in fashion

guess what?
it's mine
and it's everlasting
so long as I'm following my passion

i guess it's "hippie" to give a ****
and stop taking hits from the oppressors joint
getting high on lies

you don't own us:
that's the ******* point.

glazed over eyes
mind on fire
burning down the towers
of idealized lies
you built your life on

fingers rapping incessantly
echoing the truth
that came knocking
until you let it in

foot perpetually bounces
on the edge of the chair
much like you,
teetering between
existing and living

heart pumps erratically
swirling, whirling
wishing it were somewhere else
other than here

eyes close
mind settles
fingers slow
foot calms
heart pumps steadily
when you go out and live

merely existing
is much more taxing
than living
and being
and taking some action

pen in my hand
i have something to say
and no i will not go away

like morphine writing soothes pain
reminds me i have so much to gain