"I miss you.”
The sentence seemed to slip out, layered with my pain and sadness and guilt.
~ - ~ - ~ - ~
It was so real, this vision. In a way, I knew it was. I knew that it was only a projection of her conscious being. I knew that she really and truly was dead. But some part of me kept holding onto the hope that there was something I had missed and she would be standing there in front of me when I opened my eyes.
I missed her terribly. I missed her laugh and her tears, her jokes and her cynical sarcasm. I missed the way the corner of her mouth would curl when she was keeping a secret from me. The mornings seemed empty, never quite complete without a text rambling about whatever late night thought she had. The empty pit in my stomach deepened every time I heard her name.
I missed her like I didn't know I could miss someone. She had become such an integral part of my life that I didn't even realize it until she was gone. I imagine it being something like losing a limb. Except she was so much more than just that. To me, she was an arm and a leg, part of my brain, and she was my heart. She had become so much of me, this friend. Part of me had died with her.
I think it was because of the connection we had, the way she had become such a part of me, that I could still talk to her. I could shut my eyes and she would appear there in front of me, in all her beauty and wisdom, just as she was right now. She always had that devilish little curl in her smile that proved she was keeping her secrets.
"What was it like when you died?"
I asked the question without thinking. She had already given so much, I felt bad asking for any more. But I was genuinely curious.
"It was peaceful. I went quietly, you know, never did want to go out in a blaze of action like you do. It was very painless, some sort of cross between slipping over the crest of a roller coaster and falling asleep."
As she spoke, her eyes shifted up and to the left like they always did when she was telling a story. It always seemed as if she was reading her memories from somewhere in the sky.
"What... What came next? Or rather, where are you now?"
For the first time, I felt slightly nervous about knowing the answer to one of my questions.
"Well I'm right here with you silly."
She giggled softly, her incredible laugh. The sound that made men instantly fall head over heals. It was indescribable.
"You know what I mean. Were we right?"
She almost looked solemn for a moment, as though she struggled with something. It was so unlike her, usually calm and certain. The moment of indecision written in her face made my heart beat faster. The corner of her mouth curled up just a bit, and I knew what was coming next.
"I can't tell you that. Some things you must discover for yourself. But you were right not to fear it. We truly are in control of our own destiny."
My mind was racing through all the possibilities. I really wished she could have given me a full truth, but I knew she would have a good reason for not telling me. I saw the moment of indecision again, just before she spoke.
"I can't tell you what came for me, because it can change what will come for you. Whatever we believe comes next, that is what comes. If your heart and soul believe in some form of afterlife, then that is what comes next. If you believe that there is nothing, then there is nothing. I know not what happens then."
How is someone supposed to react to that sort of information? I went with my usual attempt at humor.
"So you're saying I just need to believe that I go to a land of infinite bacon and sports cars."
She giggled again, this time with the knowing look in her eye that I'd only ever seen in her. It was the look that told how she completely understood me.
"If that's what you want to spend eternity with, then absolutely. It does sound rather pleasant."
This would all take a while to sink in. I decided to think about it all later and proceeded to soak in her image. She was a beautiful person, not only for her looks, but for what I knew to be within her.
"I miss you.”
The sentence seemed to slip out, layered with my pain and sadness and guilt. It echoed within the constructs of my mind, the three words that summed up the whole of my being at that moment. In that one sentence was every tear I hadn't shed and every word I'd wished to say.
"I miss you too.”
She said the words softly after a slight pause. I think we both knew how we felt and we both knew that she was the stronger one right now. In life it had always been me, but I realized that she had always been my strength. I once again felt the crushing pressure of being alone in the world.
"I just miss you so much and I don't even know how to keep going anymore. How am I supposed to live without the one person who really understood me? How do I just, I don't... I know we used to talk and joke about how I was so strong and independent, but I'm not anymore. You changed that. You filled a void in my life that I never even knew was there and became so much more. I don't know how to succeed without you. So many times I've thought about following. I've held the gun in my hands and I didn't see an end, I saw you. I saw the only way to get to you."
My attempts to remain stoic couldn't hope to combat this pain. It boiled up and overflowed into everything. Even the eyes that she said 'had forgotten how to cry' were on the verge of tears. The pain and the guilt pushed out all other emotions.
"No matter how much it hurts, you will make it through. I know your purpose and drive, and I know you have the determination and strength, as well as the bravery. This is only just another challenge, like all those others that you faced and defeated. You never once took the coward’s way out, and I don't expect you to do so this time. I am still with you, in your heart, in your mind, and in your soul. No matter how it feels, you won't be alone."
She spoke calmly. Her grace had always astounded me. Even in death she was just as calming and comforting. My heart began to slow to its normal pace and I focused on collecting myself. She was so beautiful.
"I love you."
I couldn't count how many times I'd whispered those three words, but this time felt different. It was both a statement of belief and a promise. It was a binding agreement that I would survive, that I had to. It was an apology and a thank you, a symbol and a wish.
"I love you too. You were the one person who ever even tried to reach beneath the surface. You saved me when I needed it most. I’m sorry I’m not there to be with you now."
But I hadn't saved her. At least, not when it counted. If I had, she would still be alive and I wouldn't be mired in this **** sadness. If I had, we would still be together.
“Forever and always.”
I watched as she faded, seeming to slip away from me. I didn't know how I felt. She looked into me with those deep eyes one more time and was gone. Everything was black and I was staring at the slightly red glow of the morning sun on my eyelids. I slowly opened my eyes, reluctant to lose any image that might be left of her.
"Forever and always."
I whispered her promise to the early Sun's rays, as though to hold them to the light, turning over and over to inspect them. Part of me had died with her, but the rest of me had to go on.
An excerpt from my short stories, Fictional Truth.