Desirable wasn't an adjective used to describe her
the only men that saw her beauty where twice her age
and the women who
well, didn't have the best intentions at heart
she was never asked to prom
never had a first kiss
and wasn't exactly attractive
no one thought she could make it
until she did

I always want

the things i cant have

The funny part is that I can't tell the difference between want and need. When your want is so strong it makes you limbs twitch and force your mind to stop functioning it's pretty easy to forget you don't need something. It's easy to forget that its bad for you when it's the only thing that will make the pain stop. Even though you constantly remind me I can fight it, it's hard for me to remember that when all I can think about is.... I can't stop going back to it. I can't tell the difference between want and need.

I want to forgive you
but our relationship was like a wave hitting shore
we had our rises
right before we crashed
and we always crashed

I want to love you
but you have filled my heart with hate
I will never be able to look at you the same way

I want to be there for you
but you were never there for me

This roller coaster just complicated things
I can't just just stare at you and fell right anymore
I think this is the last time our wave hits shore

I was in a fight with this girl
her hair was down in curls
and she had an attitude
I don't know how the fight started
but i know how it ends
I remember her asking me  who do I think I am
I remember laughing as I coming up with a come back
but then I thought
Why bash this chick when I could teach her a lesson
I said
I am a girl
I am smart and funny
talented and gifted
loving and loved
And I have faith
I am not a fighter
But I guess that means I'm a punk
I'm not perfect
and I don't pretend I am
I don't have a man
I can do a hand stand and I am amazing
what is the point of this?
Why are you judging me
what is the reason you say all of these things to me
to try to hurt me
try to get me to stop what I do
and no I'm not jealous of you
to tell the truth
I don't care what you say
it just rolls off me like butter on pancakes
but i want to ask you this one thing
Why do you insist on hurting
people like me
schools call us the victims
of you the bully
but that is not what I think
I know the person who is really hurting is the bully
because that is the person who was hurting before me
and I know why you like detention
because you don't wanna go home
and because of that you want people to think this school you own
because you don't want them to see you through your disguise
see through you accent
cursing and lies
see through you hurting them
so they don't know you are about to cry
you don't want them to see you
because you are scared what will happen when they do
so when I look in your eyes you know what i see
I see little  kid who isn't happy
and puts on a front for people to see
people like me
you picked me to bully because you see something diffrent in me
I saw and I can see  
who you are
and you are just a child who wasn't loved
well here I am right now to give you a hand
I will be your one and only TRUE friend
I won't friend you because I'm scared of you
like these punks
I friend you because I want to know you
the real you
then I put my hand out as easy can be
then she turned around and walked away from me
I did the right thing
because the next day at lunch she sat next to me
what a bully
People you need tom realize
bullies aren't people you just put on the top of your to do list to stop
It's not a war to be fought
and I know that is not what you are taught
but just look for yourself
I know they hurt the victims everyday
and in no way am I trying to say that is ok
I just want to bring to your attention
that maybe the victim isn't the only one that needs a convenction
the bullies are the people who are hurting
and instead of pushing them aside and telling them they are wrong
why don't we just extend our arm and give them a chance
when someone pushes them to the side who will that help
they will feel hurt then hurt someone else
so why instead of trying to ignore their problem
we try to fix it
Because the victim isn't the only person who has to live with it
some say they deserve it
but they don't
they are just kids
who don't know
and when this happens
and your astounded beyond belief
when you see there is actually a person behind that bullying
I will reply
what a bully
because that is all you use to see

My poetry has lost meaning
I use to capture
Beauty
I use to take words
Words meaningless to others
And create worlds

I was able to combine a few syllables
A few lose adjectives
Ignore all grammar rules
And twist reality
I use to make people feel something

I was able to create feeling
What happened to my poetry?
I guess the better question is
What happened to me

I realized something

I never had a child hood

I never ran out onto the sand and swam in the ocean

I never had a favorite toy

Or had my dad teach me to ride I bike

I never flew a kite

I never had my mom tuck me into bed

My mom wasn't there for my 3rd birthday

I cant say I love or hate my mom's cooking

I never had help with homework

I have never been to a candy store

I have know what death was since I was 5 years old

I never grew up with my best friend
She died when I was 7 of cancer

I never had a child hood

Blades like ceasure
but i suffer from amnesia
learned how to swim but never how to breathe under water
come to far but forgot what i lost
Im the definition of what never was

tried to breathe but ****** on nothing but vapors
second hand smoke full of generational curses
i tried praying but that wasnt really working
I tried getting lit but that wasnt really worth it
consume all that was around me till I was alone
and now im on my own
hakuna matata
but im too stressed for my own good
faith trust and pixie dust
but I'm not exactly sure where to find any of those things anymore
True loves kiss heals all
but how can somone love me if I dont love myself?
obssed with beauty
but cant find it in the mirror
i dived w=right into this life
but i cant breathe under water
the lady of the lake lured me by telling me I was beautiful
and that she needed me
but her 'true love's" kiss did nothing but drown me
im filled with blades like ceasur
petruding out my back from all the times ive been called a heathen
evertime they lied and said im what someone needed
so now im bleeding and pretending im living
but I must have amnesia
cause I just keep letting it happen
over and over and over
Im over it
come to far to forget what I lost
but the memories are whats keeping me for moving on
Trying so hard to stay strong
but im so
very
weak
im so gone im the definition of what never was
all thats left is a faint memory of me
thats not even who i really was

but i got blades like ceasure
i suffer from amnesia
learned how to swim but never how to breathe under water
come to far but forgot what i lost
Im the definition of what never was

People are scared of what they dont know


i dont think that is true

because I have friends

who dont know me

As I search through the empty place, I like to call my mind I wonder
where are you the child who could always smiled no matter how many times they called her a mistake
where are you the girl who had dreams, and has someone she wanted to share them with
where are you the heroe who could stare at the stars and forget the dark
where are you the leader that I use to be
where are you because your no longer with me

Whispers
Some people say be proud
they believe in loud
but I believe in whispers
the last words of a man on his dyeing bed
the way those words stay in my head
the whispers of people talking behind my back
hurt me every time they giggle and laugh
the whispers of the girl who always is quite
the whispers your friend tells you in your ear
whispers are all I want to hear
loud is good
but whispers are better
because when someone whispers you always remeber

Who am I really?
My friend asked me this question(And it was not you nina)
who are you really?

Who am I really?
I don't really know
because at home
I act for my family

at school
I act for my friends

at church
I act for the preachers

and alone
I act for myself

so who am I really?
I don't know
and I never stop asking

I was thrown across the house yesterday
by my father

I had a bump on my head

The next day I showed him

and he asked

*"Who hit you?"

Who the **** told you could like my bands
who told you twenty one pilots was up for you to take
why the same time that I discover lost boy
and golden you ******* find the same songs?
When the **** did you start being besties with my sister
and why can't you leave me alone?
Why do all of our songs sound the same
and why do we think the same things
who the **** told you it was ok
to like all the things you did as best friends with me
who the **** told you it was ok
to be the same
as me

Awake in the middle of the night

breathing air

with opened eyes

wondering why

I'm still alive

The real reason I don't go to the doctors about my mental health, is because I'm scared they will tell me nothing is wrong.

When I write
I never know what I am going to write about
I  just take my pencil and start writing things
and my words are powerful
I let go of all my emotions
And this is why or write poems

words
some words are empty and meaniless
they are said make things up
so the real world seems less harsh

words
some words are crisp and cool
they can make you fell sharper
and can make you fell like a fool

words
Some words are warm and comforting
they are said to console
and there meaning can't be controlled

words
words can change someones life
they can break it too
so beware what you say
more that what you do

Courageous
You faced the world
you just smirked and smiled
then you walked and turned
people stared in disbelief
as you changed things
you look at things differently
and the people who pull you down
are doing it out of jealousy
because you are amazing
never forget
that you can change things
but they cant change you
you are a world changer
dont try to be cool
be you

Would I like him if I could feel?

She writes
She writes because nothing else in her world seems right
So the only she knows how to get it out
Is to write
So she spends days
And night
Holding a pencil and she writes
Writes poems and stories
That is really deep
In those words is a person only that piece of paper meets
And when people ask her is she is ok
The answer is in the poem she wrote today
Because she lives to write
That is how she tells people things
To bad most of her poems
People have never seen
She writes and writes
Continuously
And that girl is me

I wish I could write me
Write what I think
What I believe
But I just do what people tell me
I'm a puppet
I'm always listening
For people to say what is wrong with me
So I can change and make them happy
But since I'm always changing I lost me
Somewhere in the rubble of things that no one likes about me
To become a perfect person I have to lose my soul
Forget my insanity
I want to write me
But she's left in the rubble of old  personalities
Things no one want to see

My muse went out to **** my demons
and left me defenseless against the empty
I am hollow almost indefinetly
and I can't mention it
I can't figuratively convey what I am feeling
to get it out
its all stuck inside
until my muse comes back and shows me how
you see I'm useless without her
but she had to go save me
she went to battle my depression
and now I don't feel anything
words lie on my lips
and never really fit into a melody
my muse went off to go **** my demons
but this writers block is killing me

I have writers block
but i think that i shouldnt
because when your life is falling apart
shouldnt you feel compelled to create something better
and yet i dont
i dont feel impelled
I dont feel inspired
I feel empty
as if the world has finally taken the last parts of me
I feel nothing
and me feeling nothing
was suppose to be better than feeling something
let me tell you its not
its like sitting in a dark room
as the walls come in
and all you can do is stare at the floor
your not scared
your not frightened
you dont want to find a way out
and that scares me
why do i feel this way
i should want to change
and yet all i can do is sit here
watching the  walls close in

She had to get it out
So she would write in her notebook
And she would write
And write
And write all of her pain away
Until the only place it exist is on the page

One day
Someone found her pain
They read between the lines
It opened his eyes
He tried to get help
Or would of I suppose
If she didn't walk up
And told him not to go
"There only poems
They mean nothing to me"
But if he lifted up her sleeve
He would of seen her pain
But he let go
" she said she was ok"
Even though he saw in her eyes she was lying
He didn't want to get into it
It's her problem not mine
A few weeks later he went to her funeral and cried
you told me you where ok!
It's your fault not mine!
You deserved to die!
After screaming people stared in dismay
So he was escorted back to his seat
And he wrote down his pain
And he would write and write and write
All of his pain away
Paying one day
Someone would see his pain
And read between the lines
Realize he's not ok

You never ask me if I'm okay anymore
Is that because you know the answer
Or do you no longer care enough to find out

You never ask me if I'm okay anymore
And I don't know why you didn't stop sooner
I lie everytime, so there's no reason for you to do it

You never ask me if I'm okay anymore
I guess you could say I never ask you
But that's only bacause I know there I things that you don't want to talk me through


You never ask me if I'm okay anymore
And I think this is where I start to lose you

Your heart lies to you
I learned that the hard way
If you follow your heart you will get filled with grief and dismay
You heart aspires to be like someone else
Your heart wants to do things you will regret
Your heart is quick to speak and slow to listen
I hope your getting this because
Your heart won't listen
You could see someone
Who hurt you
and your heart tells you to hurt them back
but you shouldn't do that
you heart lies to you
and that's a fact

Can't sleep
Can't breathe
Your the only one I need
Heal me
Be me remedy
Mend my broken heart when you speak
Make me feel like the pain is nothing
I can't sleep
I can't breathe
Your the only one I need
Help me
Please

You have heard creepy stories about zombies right?
How the follow you and stock you at night
and how they attack at first sight
try to bring down anything of light
and thing truly living
like parasites
I know zombies
some of them use to be my friends
they were like me till they got bite
then they turned
they became like every other girl
I call them zombies
because they simply follow what others do
and live on trying to turn others
they steal
lie
eat
but they are hurting
you have to remeber that these zombies are still people
Unlike what the stories say they can be changed back
These real world zombies are fakers and thats a fact
my only question is do you believe that
because they are all around you
mostly at jobs or schools
on tvs
the internet
most people define them as cool
so they try to be zombies and let them selves be bit
then turn like the rest of it
and it happens to most
but not to all
there are some who refuse to fall
refuse to turn
refuse to be like everyone else
I'm a zombie fighter
I need your help
I need you to be original
and speak your mind
don't just flow with the tide
release that creative person inside
tell you ideas
and always ask why
we are zombie hunters
and we will fight