I want to sculpt
Use my hands and create something concrete
Take the monsters out my head and put them in stone
So people will see what I'm dealing with
Create Angels and have them watch over me
I want to sculpt
Take a chisel and find your face in the stone
Carve away at your cheek bones
Create eyes that almost look real
I want to create something that almost looks real
I want to sculpt
Take clay and make my own reality
This time I can truly invite you in
Sculpt buildings taller than the Empire State
And hills longer than the ocean
Create animals
And people to my liking
Create the world over
Spend years making a world where all is at peace
all still
I want to sculpt
But my hands have not yet learned the art
I want to create but the idea isn't truely formed
I don't have a chisel
Or clay
But if I did
If I could sculpt
I would get lost in the clay
Getiing lost in my own reality
Till people start to wonder
If I'm creating the sculpture
Or if the sculpture is creating me

I thought you where a puzzle
With a missing piece

But you where always just the  piece
That i was missing

Youre gone
like a ghost
and you took the best parts of me
but thats my fault
because I used them
to keep you
turn you into a prisioner
the bars were the threatining that I would die without you
I put mines all around you
so if you try to take a step
there will be an explosoin
but I would be the one who died
and my blood would be on your hands
and I thought that was enough to make you
Stay
but you didnt
and the parts of me
that felt
that i straped on to you
you took them
and honestly I didnt think you would
but now im left
alone
with the worst parts of me
You killed me
so you could live
and now its over
its over
**over

I'm lost
honeslty
I have no one who wants me
and I know its cliche
and I know if you where still here you would block me
to try and show me
how immature im being
but im being honest
I'm not going to say I have never been happy
because thats a lie
I have smiled a thousand times
but regret always came directly after
or Im never fully there
I pretending and I forget that the smile plastered on my face
has a depression hidden underneath
and its moment like this
at night when its dark that the mask falls off
and I remeber

I bought my self a scale
Got a new cutting instrument
And have a new pro ana website
Im back ana *******
And this time ill be skinner than you

The worst moment today
was someone asking me what do you do to make you happy
and I almost started to cry
because I didnt have an answer

If I did it for attention
as you say
than why did I continue
when you went away

I have a tshirt of yours
its home is beside my bed for when i wake up with the nightmare again
or when i forget your gone again
or when i want to feel the pain again
but imma let it
burn ***** burn

I remeber when you told me you loved me
and then called me a liar
i was on the edge of suicide
and you used it to bring me off the cliff
the first time you said it
wasnt the last time you manipulated me with it
well i say
burn ***** burn

You stole my sister from me
my only friend in the world
took my joy
along with my self worth
for that i conclude
you should
burn ***** burn

**Have fun in hell

why is it only now
that I realize my friends
are your friends
who just tolerated me

why is it only now
that I realize
you where the only  person I had
literally  my everything

why is out only now
when you leave me
that I realize
I was always

*alone

life is to beautiful to dwell on the sad things
things are to promising to focus on the past
there is a future.for you
dont waste it on what happened before
move forward
because you're worth so much more

i didn't do it for you
i lied for me
all the hurt i gave you
wasnt meant for you
it was for me

*so give it the **** back

Define me
put me in a box
and tell me who i should be
if i can't fit in **** me
please **** me
this acking
from being different
of feeling whole
then being left in pieces
its left me weak
its left me more than empty
its left me a black whole
******* in the joy of whoever wants to be near me
now everyone fears me
so define me
because i don't wanna live this life of dieing

the hardest part of getting better

is the wieght gain

i kinda think im over it
i reread my poems and they seem preposterous
i dont understand the big deal about it
you left me
and?
im alone
so?
the need for your presence is dimineshing
i no longer need you to abuse me to feel happy
the notion is insane
so i think it's ok to say
im over it

i still miss you
your hateful words
the way you made me feel
when you told me my problems didnt matter
when you blocked me for telling you i was depressed again
blocked me for saying i cut again
but hey
i still miss your scratches
your slaps
when you dug you fingers nails so deep in my arm i could swear you
hit bone
when you emotionallt abused me
mentally manipulated me
until i thought you were holy
but i still miss you
and i will still
take you back

you killed me
so you could live
survival of the fittest
you saw i was a parasite
and kicked me to the curb
like i was some cheap *****
but i guess in someways i am
Because for years
i let you fed on me
taking my sanity
change my personality
use my depression to make you happy
let you hate me
so you could breathe
but you leave me
because i asked for understanding
in return
you couldn't give me more than a favor
but i should of known
parisites don't return
what they stole

you don't get to act like you're ******* hurting
you don't get to.pretend like somehow your a victim
like im.the abuser
like me loving you
was a crime
im sick
and tired of your moping
like you have something to complain about
like you have somone to be depressed about
you didn't lose anyone
you pushed somone away
and that is your fault
so you don't get to act like you're hurting
when all you did
was **** me
so you can live

I dont know what im feeling
I need to meditate
im so far from myself i dont know what im thinking
Im so far from myself i dont know if im missing
you?
you
are you still someone to me
or just a foreign memory
do i still want your company
what do i beleive
and
what
am I feeling

have you ever been empty?
truely empty
to the point when you could walk into traffic
and wouldnt feel the car hit you
to the point that seeing thier picture doesnt make you feel anything
when whispering their name has lost its effect
when you dont think of them
when you stopped thinking
when you cant even fake a smile
you cant even fake a laugh
when you touch your eye and there are tears
when you cant feel the sadness that comes with crying
at this point you're just leaking
over flowing the nothing that is filling you
and all because
your reason to live
got tired of you
got over you
stoped wanting you
stopped loving you
hates you
and leaves you
e  m  p  t  *y

Can we try again?
one last time
I have really changed alot
its been a month since my last lie
can we try again?
i wont try to read your mind
im not infacruated by you anymore
i wont waste your time
can we try again?

I havent been eating
My stomache just hasnt craved food
the only thing on my mind is suicide
and you
so i havent been eating
my bones are started to pretrude
reminds me of what i use to do
I havent been eating
I dont know if its anoerexic
returning to haunt me
or if its depression wanting to love me
but i havent been eating
and Im ok with that

I want you to ****** me
I want to retrace the claw marks i left on your back
and rediscover your body
I want you to love me
hold me close until the sunrise
waking me just to kiss me
and tell me im pretty
I want you to keep me
and never let me go

I love being abused
the feeling of be able to earn love
but never being enough
abuse is my drug
I look for meaning in the words they sing
whether male or female
I can give them all they need
I guess thats why i fell for you
why i got addicted to you
you gave me all that i need
all i was asking for
all wanted to see
but honestly
I have been abused my whole life
your just the only one
who used the words
I love you
to **** me
to take the inside of me and put it on display
created a weapon out of a piece of art
ruining my perspective of beautiful
you  took abuse to the next level
told me I was the abuser
telling me i would never get it
leaving me just so i can feel the empty
than telling me I shouldnt feel anything
you see you discredited my belief
you used love
the sharpest weapon
to abuse me

we were all kids once
we had a time where our imagination would take us to the stars
when we made heaven wherever we are
and happiness was never that far
we were all kids once
and there was a time when a smile never left our lips
when we didn't know the meaning of the word miss
do you remember the pure bliss
of being a kid
we were all kids once
but the demons we encountered
that society has called humans
demented our innocence
changed our perspective
and made us grow up
to the point where we question
if we where ever kids once

hello my name is whatever you want it to be I
guess that means I'm a pushove
r you used to call me easy
and yet I still crawled back to you
on my hands and knees
pleading for forgiveness
for just trying to please
I don't think you understand
how ironic thi situation truly is
a girl tries to help you
ends up hurting herself
and leaving you empty too
so I guess that means I'm nothing
a vessele thats  waiting to be used
and yet no one wants to use me
why couldn't you just use me

and so my name is whatever you want it to be
and I guess right now that means I'm nothing

don't forget i was your first kiss
the first girl you wanted to be with

don't forget how you couldn't keep your hands off me
that there was a time when you loved me

don't forget we rediscovered love together
dont forget the smiles we believed
or the demons we pleased

dont forget the trials we had
and don't forget they were not all fails

and if your gonna remeber me
don't forget
what we use to mean

i want to **** you
and save you
at the same time
you destroyed my mind
gave me a demented
a warped
view on life
you took me
saved me in a false paradise
fed me propaganda
told me lies
and you call me the liar
manipulated me to the point
that i thought i loved you
to the point that i still love you
you twisted reality
like a drug
i was addicted to the insanity
the pure mind boggoling
pain you gave me
and i thought you loved me
you said you loved me
and you call me
the **liar

are you happy?
did killing me make your smile?
did the steps you made to succes
with my broken heart
get you where your going?
are you happy?
are you living with love in your heart?
did the moment you left me
fill with joy?
how long do.we have to stay apart?
are you happy?
and if you are
i will **** myself
because that means for 3 years
i kept you depressed
i.made you bulimic
suicidal
and lost instead of found
are you happy?
Because if i made you that depressed when i was trying
how have i hurt the people i didn't strive to fix
are you happy?

The hardest part of letting go
is learning not to care anyone
learning not to think of them anymore
learning not to love anymore
the hardest part off letting go is the silence
the 0 messages on my phone
when i remeber you when the only reason i had one
the hardest part
of letting go
is learning
how to be ok
with being alone

im reading a book about you
a girl who lives her life
helping others
was buliemic for attention
it turned into an addiction
captivated by things they never mentioned
cut for reasons she never siad and
lived without regret
this book i have is called handel with care
impeachable timing
the minuet you leave me
i.pick up this story
of this girl whose mannerisms
match
your exact
making
handle with care
i wish you came with that warning
but i broke you
not knowing
you could be broken
im reading a book about you
but it sits in my backpack
im scared to flip the pages
to see what happens next
because everytome she cuts
its your memory that rushes
everytime she purges
i think of you in here place
and how i couldnt save
you
and i dont want to know what happens to this girl
when i cant know what happens
to you

Because it says friends never leave, but they always do
Because it teaches you highschool isnt depressing
and that a perfect boy is waiting for you
but the ones with the pretty eyes always decive you
sleep with you
than leave you
the reason i hate disney
is because it lies to you

the only thing you taught me
is that love
is conditional
and love is pain
love is temporary
leaves you empty
it strains
who you are
and what you believe
and that love is just a memory

i have no one to talk to
no one who accepts me
cares about me
thinks about me
wants me
i could die tomorrow
and no one would cry for me
i dont wanna be lonely
i want to have somone to look forward to
someone to live for
someone to stop cutting for
somone to eat for
somone to smile for
but i have nobody
and there is nothing i can do about it

Im Depressed
smiles are fading
the memories are blurring
r.i.p to my feelings
and r.i.p to whoever wants to know me

I'm Empty
i lost the best part of me
i lost my personality

I'm Angry
this fire is inside me
wanting to snap at everyone i see
not wanting to think
only wanting to scream

I'm Dangerous
don't try and get closer to me
i will **** you with my hate speak
my evil mind
abd my demented lies

Im D.E.A.D

and I'm nothing more

people only love me for moments
for misses
touches
abd kises
the first couple seconds
before im old to them
first couple seconds
before they're over it
im not sure ill ever be over it
not sure ill ever get over this
I'll never get over
how people never stay
how i can feel the loss
of somone i never had
how i can feel heart break
when i never really had a heart
because these people never loved me
and im not enough
to know how to love
so why
does hurt me so much
when they leave
people only love me
when they need me
otherwise im just an empty vessel
trying to fill your needs
and nobody
loves a nobody

because plugging in earbuds
and pretending the people you love
hate
or dont know
dont exist
is easier than realizing your alone
better than explaining why you exist
to people
who couldnt care less
better than explaing why you exist
to yourself
and hiding in a song you know all the words of
in a melody you can replay in your mind at anytime
because we as humans hide
so run from your own presence
because plugging in your earbuds
is easier than learning
how to survive

Have you ever felt bigger than your body?
as in your emotions swell to the point that your soul pushes against your skin
makes you question the reason you exist
have you ever felt big?
like alll attention is on you
like the world stopped for a momentt to laugh at you
critique you
make you feel alone
have you ever felt small?
as if everyone doesnt notcie you
steps all over you
the words you say fall on deaf ears
no point in speaking at all
have you ever not felt?
Have you ever
have you ever been alone?
have you ever
have you ever been without a home?
have you ever
have you ever had your heart stole
have you ever
have you ever
really
been

When im thinking of leaving
thinking ending my life
considering stopping the cycle that is my demise
people like to tell me that if i leave
I will hurt everyone around me
my parents
my siblings
my teachers
my bullies
and that is why im still living
not for me
but not to hurt you
so i live a life of pain
constant suffering
not ending the fact that i am im hurting
because if i stop dieing
than you will die right after me
and i would rather live in this hell
than escape and put you in my place

To be in a crowd
and still feel alone
to be so lonely in your own presence no amount of people can change it
not knowing who you are
feeling comfort in scars
but not even that last long
so you end up running
running from the loneliness your own presence brings
into painful things
that's why you end up
b  r  e  a  k  i  n  g
to be alone
is the beginning
of the end

I feel like a broken old doll
in other words somone prize possession
that isn't that prized anymore
maybe im not quite enough anymore
im just a broken old doll
i broke when you threw me away
my soul is starting to decay
my sanity was the only thing you decided to keep
the only thing you stole from me
broken
old
doll
*and i am nothing more

thoughts are unattainable
you try and reach but you're hands are empty
faster than lightning
as invisible as air
thoughts more powerful than a tidal wave
destroying towns with its sneaky ways
promising you life is not ok
when your still breathing
convincing you your dead
but your still surving
blinding you from joy
you. stills can't see
because thoughts are uncontrollable
and they destroy nations
and no matter what you're thoughts tell you
you can't  change them

depression stole my identity
than it took its place driving its claws into my soul
filled me with the feeling of being empty
ever since i was a child it had a hold on me
i want to get better
but if depression leaves who will i be
im sorry im not quite ready to be no one
im not quite ready to lose all that's left of me
i know it's hurting me
but it is me
if you understand what im saying
than you know it's harder to let it leave
because when it dug it claws in my soul
i started to hold its hands
believe the lies it told me
believe it's all i am
so it's not that simple
to just let my pain go
it's all i know

Im not a poet
because when lives are on the line
i can't twist words to say what i mean
im not a poet
love is a foreign term too me
i still can't use metaphor too display how i feel when he's with me
im not a poet
all the words i have ever spoken
ive thought a thousand times over
there's too many words i have left lieing on my lips
im not a poet
self expression is still an alien weird to me
how can i express myself when i don't know who I am
im not a poet
and yet
*im still here

Waiting for my prince charming
the man my parents promised would love me
would slay a dragon just to see me
would actually want to kiss me
I am waiting for the person who will light up my day
my happy ever after
I waiting for the amazing man to take my breathe away
im waiting
waiting
am i to late?
did i miss the section of the story that said you have to send photos
to get your prince charming to notice you
did i miss the update
the ball that i was invited to is called instagram
and the likes increase your chances of meeting that man
the more skin you show the more followers you get
the more likes
the more kisses
Prince charming has shown his true colors
His love has to be earned
and I will earn it
I will stop waiting
and start doing
I will scream love me
till somone decides to do it
the life of a teenage girl consist of two words
***** it
either said from her
to her
or about her
you see we have a choice
either wait
or dont
both ways we are *******
*(literally)

Its hard when you're alone
when you don't have a person you own
when you have no one to calll home
no one to call home
you cant tell anyone what you know
secrets lie on your lips because you have no one to spill them too
than you dont know what to do
it ***** to be
*alone