I want to hide,
From responsibilities
Expectations
And my crippling reality

I want to run,
far from everything
I don't desire to be

I want to get lost
in darkness
Where no one can find me

I want to ignore
All that I'm feeling

And I want to hide
from me

It's hard to pretend
To keep the smile pasted on
To try to smile with my eyes

It's hard
To give all yourself away
And get nothing in return

It's hard
To lose everything
And be expected to give more

It's hard
To be awake at 3 in the morning
And wonder why your heart hurts

It's hard
To be told you don't know anything
That you're too young to understand

It's hard
To see whats happening
But live life like your missing something

It's hard
To give them everything
But they all claim "no one cares about me"

It's hard
To live with the realization that your nothing
Then be told you where wrong

It's hard
To be in love with broken things
And always getting cut in the process

It's hard
To breathe
And to wake up daily

It's hard
To be

I want to dance
I love moving to the music
and making it real
its fun to portray the music in actions
to take what I'm listening to and let it transcend through my body
but I can't
and every time I try I am told
over
and over
and over
that I cant dance
and that I should stop trying

Depressed?
No.. I think you have the wrong soul
because I no longer take that as my identity

Sick?
I'm sorry are you talking to me?
I have been healed and will never let a disease be my reality

Lost?
Not exactly
I found myself a long time ago and decided
Other people will no  longer define me

Its hard some times to pretend to be human
to act as if I understand all that is happening
I remember things randomly
from when I wasn't exactly the definition of sanity
crazy is a good adjective
but doesn't quite capture it
Im insane
completely bonkers
and sometimes I forget how to be human
I forget how to have emotion
and no one seems to understand it
I'm not depressed
no
I'm an alien

When I was young i use to love puzzles
when i say love i mean LOVE
like I would stay up late just to see what pictures I could put together
I would pull one out and stare at the pieces for hours
wonder what beauty would come out of them
and you see I never really finished them though
either to many pieces would go missing
or I would just lose interest
I was only a kid
you couldn't actually expect me to stick with it
short attention spane
but in the event that i actually finished one
my parents use to try to get me to glue them together
so i could always see the picture i completed
but glue was never
an option for me
because why make the beauty concrete
when I can break the puzzle and do it again
when i got older puzzles started to lose their appeal
I no longer felt I needed to put the pieces together in a puzzle
because I noticed something
I noticed that everyone around me was a puzzle
that the girl who sat in the back of my class needed to be put together
and that maybe
I could help her find her missing pieces
that maybe
I could bring the beauty out of her
so I would stay up hours
upon hours
into the night and early morning
just to try and figure out how to fix all the pieces together
how to transform her
into something beautiful
not realizing the beauty of a scattered puzzle
my need to heal people
over took me
to the point that I was so selfless I almost died
I wasn't eating and yet no one notice  me
you see heres the thing
about puzzles
they never take the time to put you together
you sit there for hours
and have nothing to show but tired fingers
and a tired mind
you don't even have to lie
because puzzles never ask if your fine
I had an obession with puzzles
but I never took the time to see the one in the mirror
I was missing a piece
and that missing piece was me
and when I started finding myself
I ending up slipping up
and breaking
never took the time to secure my findings
because why glue when you can just break yourself again?
I was obsessed with puzzles
until I became one

I have 200 people following me
as if I am leader
I have 479 poems
as if I have the ability to write beauty
I am following 182 people
yet I still feel alone
so honestly
does what I accomplish mean anything?
or will it forever be equivalent to nothing

Hiding is easy
when you have been taught your entire life to shape shift
when you have learned the art of stealing identities
and when you mimic actions like a mirror  
these powers
make the art of turning invisible easy
and its not helping me
because to get help
you need to be seen

Desirable wasn't an adjective used to describe her
the only men that saw her beauty where twice her age
and the women who
well, didn't have the best intentions at heart
she was never asked to prom
never had a first kiss
and wasn't exactly attractive
no one thought she could make it
until she did

She's a female
A little shorter than me physically
But not at all mentally
Self esteem higher than I thought was a possibility
But she's  not cocky
She's the balance
The middle of all things good and bad
She's strived for by, at least, me
Her smile lights up rooms
And I think she knows that
It's different
But interesting
My latest interest captivates me
Let's hope I don't **** her up

She's perfect
Too perfect
Living the life dreamed of
And being who I've dreamed to be
She's different
she's not what I'm use to seeing
Shes more
Only a freshman and already amazing
She didn't have an ugly stage
She was just always the epitome of ideals
Shes unattainable
Yet standing right in front of me
She's perfect
Too perfect

“Poetry is better when your write about yourself”
They say this to me
Repeatedly
But what they don't understand is no one cares about me
people read poetry for healing
So how is me telling people my pain helping?

I think poetry is better
When I talk about beauty
When I describe the sun taking over the sky
And the waves licking the shore

I think poetry is more creative
When I convey someone else's life
When I try to write from their perspective
And see what they are dealing with

Poetry is better
When the words mean something other
Than just depressing life stories
And healing for yourself

Because when you write for others
Your words mean something
Your ideas come to life in someone's mind
And can free them from themselves

Poetry is more than just self therapy
It's using words to heal things
To help people
And to show them they aren't alone

Poetry isn't better when I write about myself
My readers need help with what they go through
Poetry is better when you write about things that matter
Not just things that matter to you

By this time next year
I wonder where I will be
This page shows my identity
The wrongs and rights done to me
What I'm feeling is evident in all my readings
So what will my hello poetry say
This time next year
I hope it's happy
I hope my poems read with an element of sanity
But who knows
Maybe I won't be alive to write anything
I honestly wonder where I will be
This time next year

I'm slipping
The hold I had on reality is failing me
I guess it was always faulty
No one sees me crying
But I'm dieing
The game of life I'm losing
And no one is here to help me
I'm drowning
Can you teach me how to breathe
I'm slipping
Back to who I have been running
From

I will pay you a penny
to hear my thoughts
listen to all my fears
the pain people have brought
but one wise soul told me
a tidbit I have yet to forgot
he said if you don't care about yourself
than why do you expect others give you a second thought?

I don't think people get it
they don't understand their own nature
see themselves in the mirror
but they can't really picture this

what if I told you your beautiful
honestly
you would say thank you
but would you believe me

you see
society has a thing with low self esteem
we make ourselves shine and gleam
but don't believe a word we are saying

hypocrites
we say everyone is beautiful
yet hate our reflections
people just don't get it

I've been saying this for years yet no one understands it
do you get it?
does anyone understand this?
hating yourself isn't a trend
its a plague
and we are all slowly dying
hoping for someone to cure us
but we wont even admit we are sick

do you get it?
I need society to get it
because our downfall is not going to be pretty
do you understand this?
if i said you where beautiful
would you get it?

She doesn't have a.hello poetry
But i can't stop writing to her
It's as if i need to send her this
To let you know
That she
That he
That they
All left me
And she is the worse of all
She was perfect
To perfect for me

Im the victim of imperfection
The definition of needy
The essence of annoying
And the meaning of depressing

Im not wanted
Needed
Or asked for
This world doesnt fit me
And Loving me is a chore

I am broken
Injured
Cracked
But content at the same time
Plauged with a ****** up state of mind
And the lie that "I'm fine"

I'm ****** up
Annoying
And not of sound mind

So who would ever love me
Im just wasting everyones time

There are two types of people we all need
Someone to make us smile
And somone to remind us to cry

Judging me?
really
silently hating on all I do as if I can't tell your watching me
seriously?

I know your only 15
honestly your immaturity surpasses every other trait I have ever seen
but really?

Now this *****
acting like she knows me
becoming best friends with the one person who still loves me
turning people against me
being ******* perfect
jealousy is a *****
and me feeling this for you
is ******* hell
especially now that you left me
and I don't care honestly
I'm getting over that
but this *****
is ******* annoying

Who the **** told you could like my bands
who told you twenty one pilots was up for you to take
why the same time that I discover lost boy
and golden you ******* find the same songs?
When the **** did you start being besties with my sister
and why can't you leave me alone?
Why do all of our songs sound the same
and why do we think the same things
who the **** told you it was ok
to like all the things you did as best friends with me
who the **** told you it was ok
to be the same
as me

I guess I should write a poem about you
since you read my poetry
I know your depressed and I don't mind you stalking me
Honeslty
it's kinda cute
you still obessesed with me over all this time
still looking for the truth
To be honest
Nothing I ever said was really true
but I'm starting over now
at least I think I am
I'm figuring out what to do
now that we are finally through
so you don't have to stalk me anymore
you know what I'm up to
you can move on
if you want too

I am not black
Yes my skin represents a culture
And idea
A vision
A notion carried through generations
Being African American
But my attitude
It doesn't show the reality of the situation
I have never seen the movie roots
I don't like potato salad
the n word doesn't slither of my lips
and a lot of the black jokes I just don't get
I'm not black
and I'm sorry to have to admit it

My muse went out to **** my demons
and left me defenseless against the empty
I am hollow almost indefinetly
and I can't mention it
I can't figuratively convey what I am feeling
to get it out
its all stuck inside
until my muse comes back and shows me how
you see I'm useless without her
but she had to go save me
she went to battle my depression
and now I don't feel anything
words lie on my lips
and never really fit into a melody
my muse went off to go **** my demons
but this writers block is killing me

My poetry has lost meaning
I use to capture
Beauty
I use to take words
Words meaningless to others
And create worlds

I was able to combine a few syllables
A few lose adjectives
Ignore all grammar rules
And twist reality
I use to make people feel something

I was able to create feeling
What happened to my poetry?
I guess the better question is
What happened to me

Inspiration
Looking for the right words to say
And actually finding them

Beauty
Is writing a poem and all the words fit
Its writing a poem only some people can get

Poetry
is an art
the most beautiful poems find a notion and grasp it
Explain the idea inside and out
Leave you with a question on your lips

Being a poet is a gift
Inspiration is a blessing
Use it wisely

The world never saw me for who I was
now that I think about it
the world never saw me
Somehow I escaped all their memories
I avoided all records of the time i spent here
my slate is white as snow
and much cleaner then my couscous
I thought you already knew this
I am an invisible girl
you have to see me to believe it

You know you were abusive right?
Honestly worse than your father
You strangled me with words
And left me riddled with questions and scars
Now the scars I applied myself
I had to create some physical evidence
Of the torture you left
And speaking of leaving
You left me
Which I'm happy to say
No longer distresses me
Even though you still won't adress me
Apparently
You go mute when I try to speak
Nontheless
I am no longer obessesing
But sadly
You learned to obess over me
It's obvious you started watching me
Amature
Cover your trail
You're immaturity makes your frail
But you were abusive
Though not anymore more
I finally have picked myself up from the floor
You see
I found the good in goodbye
And I don't crave you anymore
So goodbye abuser
And Thank you
For leaving me once more

Honestly
this is no more than me just getting over you
No more than me just contemplating
And not understand what logic I used
Back when I use to need you

I think it might be over
Even though I haven't been able to be sober
Even though I havent been able to stay focused
Even though I'm bipolar as *
And running out of luck

I think it might be over
Because throughout all this
I havent thought of you
Or what you use to do
I haven't craved your abuse

So I think it might be over
I think it might be done
I no longer dream of our  friendship
Or the mirage of 'love'
And when i see you
I honestly don't give a **

So I hink this might be over
I think
I'm done

I can't sleep
To many thoughts in my head
You block me so i have messages permanently unread
I wonder what you said
No i don't want you back
I just want it to be over
To erase you from my momery
And have a new journey
I want to be free
But these chains are hard to break
And they wrap back around me every time i see your face
But it's not sadness i am feeling
It's not want that i have
Its not regret for not knowing you
And not pain from memories of what we had
I can't explain it
When i see you its more like i don't feel
Like im back in that place when i first  met you
When i didn't have my own tears
And i can't sleep
Because this not feeling
Is filling my lungs the way you use to
Strangling me from inside like your words did
Making me shake like the pain you dished
Its been 6 months since we stopped talking
And i still
Can't
Sleep

Because the waves may hurt the sand
The sun may scorch the land
But they wait for it
They want it
And will relive it everyday

Sometimes I wonder
Where the problem truly lies
Because unlike prophesy says
You cant see pain in someone eyes
No matter how hard you look
Sometimes its deeper than that
I know because the smile I see in the mirror every morning is pretty convincing
Because everyday I can be pretty convincing
You see its not always in the open
Some times the pain is buried behind many locked doors
And a lot of times
We don’t know where to find the key
Tragedy
Is never expected
You didn’t see the president predicting 9/11
And you never would of saw me predicting this
It’s funny
How one second you can be happy
And the next wollowing in despair
Because sometimes you feel like a magician
Making people around you disappear
And it seems like the world is deaf
You scream out and no one seemed to hear
So now your quiet
Now your silent
Living in the world without a voice is violent
Like your hand cuffed
And buried in a coffin
No one you can hear you if you scream
Like tou drowing and ever time you try to open your mouth water fills your lungs
Like your blind folded and cant see
Where life is leading you
Do you ever wonder where your life is leading
Do you ever wonder where you are leading your life
Do you ever wonder
Why you do  things
Or what does it all freakin mean
Do you ever wonder what your missing
It seems like your in a comedy show and everyone is laughing
At something your not quite hearing
Sometimes living without a voice is pretty lonely
But that depression gets to feel *****
Your  reality accepts the silnce
No matter how violent
The pain is now your identity
Depression has stolen your name
You are everything they call you
And at the same time nothing at all
You have let this go on for to long
But you don’t know how to stop
Kind of like an addiction
The silence has grown on you
But what you haven’t noticed
Is that there are people screaming out for help in this world
But you haven’t had time to listen
You have been drowning and couldn’t lend a hand
You have been buried under layers and layers of pain
You secrets have been held so close
You emotions have been put so far back
That you cant remember what feeling them is like
And you have been so focused on how your feeling
That you didn’t care too look around you and see who else is drowning
So silent that instead of speaking on what you saw
You sit back and watch them suffer
You become part of the problem
And its sad
This cycle
Of asking for help
Not getting it
Than not helping anyone else
All you want is for someone to reach out to you
But you can’t reach out to anyone else
We are all drowning
And only if we could work togethere
Maybe
We can get to the surface
Than maybe
We can breathe

I was a good kid
I Kept tighty
I snitched on the wrongs people did
Until everyone hated me for it
Snitches get stitches
For the longest time i didn't listen
Until people started to ignore me because of it
Until i lost friends because of it
Until i was told i was stupid because of it
No one wanted to talk to me cause of it
Tragic
A little girl in 3rd grade being told she's worthless
Because she didn't think you where suppose to write on the board when the teacher wasnt in the room
Because she didn't think cursing was allowed at her private school
Yes i went to private school
Plaid skirt and all
It was as if from 7 to 3 i was there Barbie doll
Dress me up
Skirt and all
Then tell me what to say
The lies you make me say decayed my teath away
The secretes tucked inside of me made me feel afraid
In the 4th grade i was scared of my reflection
In the 5th grade i began to show all they said i was and
Wasn't ready for that
Speaking of the 5th grade i went to public school
Suprise
Barbie got put from maximum security
To a weaker division
Security wasnt as tight
So the other kids wkrds didn't lessen
Bullying went from this hobby to thier full time expression
Until some people promised they liked me
Told me to touch other people
And let other people touch me
Until i was something
And i kept quite
Because snitches got snitches
They started fat jokes in the 6th grade
Poking at my stomache
Metaphorically Writing fatty at my grave
And at this time i want exactly sane
So to stay friends
They said
I had to get skinny
And the best at they did that was to stop eating
Give them my food and i get nothing
With My stomach fat i could survive years on empty
With my stomach fat i was the reason africa went hungry
The best way to stop world hunger
They said
Was to **** me
So i stopped eating
And like every other mental disorder it grew into an obsession
Ana was its nane
And it was like a growing infection
Ana is more than a disease
Its a professional temptress
Baby let me see your porcelain bones
breath in until your lungs explode
Feel more than you can control
and let me take over
I let get take over
But my parents couldn't know
The lies dripped out of my mouth
Like how the snow escapes the cloud
I got lost in a blizzard
Lies and ana and lies and ana
Who needed friends when i had depression
Who needed friends when i was headed towards perfection
Reapeated that i was happy till i believed it
Than she came along
Told me that real friends didn't hurt you like that
And that i was already perfect
That i life was worth living
And that i could escape depression
Promised she wouldnt leave me
Promised she wouldn't hurt me
I wasnt the only one with a lieing problem
You see we where both unstable
Dragging eachother down
So niether of us are alone
Dieing together was better than living apart
Until are decided she wanted better
Like she was drowing and i was an anchor tied to her
She cut me lose
So she could get to the surface
And i sank lower than ever before
Her exact words where i just can't bring myself to care anymore
The worst part is
I thought it was my fault
That i did something to make everyone hate me
That i was a problem in this world
And I just had to realize it
All she said was lies she recanted once she found out who i really was
She hurt me
Than called me the liar
So this is where i am now
Sinking
Trying to teach myself how to swim
Alone
I can't lie my way through this one
And ana cant give me oxygen
Im trying to get over it
But im lost in this blizzard
And i can't find my way home

I learned that men can't heal my wounds
That no matter how many pictures i send
I can't believe im actually a ten
No matter how many guys to get to like me
I can't like myself
The last one i talked to was 21
Younger than the others
But still couldn't unage me
Couldn't make me forget the things they did to me
Im sorry i can never fully be yours
I gave my heart to every soul that has a photo of me
Now im left with nothing
This is torture
But you see i learned
U can't find happiness in lovers
And love can't be found
Till you love yourself

Death is funny in a way
Knowing it is coming makes you wanna live
no matter how many times you asked for it
the reality of death
makes you want life

If you break a poets heart
You will live on forever
Everything they say will be infused with aftermath of you
The emotions
Loneliness you left with them
Will fill all thier writing
Inspired them to write more
You will be a co-author in millions of poems
The inspiration to thousands works of art
And you won't even know it
You wont even know in a hundered years you will still live on
You dont know about your newly found
*Immortality