Why? Why did you leave? What did I do? You said I would be living with my mother, you were moving to Texas because you were leaving a relationship and you couldn't take me with you. I thought nothing of it. Thinking only that I would see you during the summer. I was happy for you, you were moving on from that relationship. It wasn't until I started 7th grade at my new school to realize that you had lied to me. You lied to my face. You and she went to Texas with the rest of my siblings and moved into a beautiful home with a nice yard. You lied to me. Is this what being betrayed feels like? To know that you were being sent to live somewhere that didn't include them. You lied to me. You had the ******* audacity to sit me in the car and lie to my ******* face. Why? Did you not want me with you? This was 6 years ago. To this day, you have not once called me to see how I was doing. You never visit me either. You never offer for me to stay with you during the summer. I guess I am an unwanted child. But what I still can't get over, is that you had lied to me. Why couldn't you just tell me the truth. I could've handled it. You didn't have to lie. I have so many things that I want to say to you. I want to scream at you. To tell you that you had no right to lie. Not to me. I want to hate you, but I can't find it within myself to actually hate you, so I've settled on being disappointed in you. What's worse is that I want to hurt you back. For you to feel the pain that I'm still going through. I need it. I need that closure. I need you to understand what you put me through. But what hurts most is that you had lied to me.

Pain. The pain I feel in my chest is blinding. The hurt I feel knowing that I’ll never get to see you again. The sadness that creeps up and down my body like waves in the ocean. The flashing of memories and moments I wish I could revisit. When I first held you in my lap, to chasing you across the yard. I wish you were here. Please come back. My Abby girl. You were my best friend. I took care of you, treated you like the princess you were. The pain in my chest will never lessen. My family can move but I can’t. They didn’t know you like I did. I knew your time was coming. I knew. But for some reason, I couldn’t accept it. I was in denial. You couldn't leave me. What hurts me the most is that I couldn’t say goodbye to you in person. I couldn’t tell you how much of a good girl you were. I hope that you're happy where you are. I hope that you’re not in pain and I hope that maybe someday, I’ll see you again.

To be bullied is to be numb. Having something that makes you happy to have it taken away from you. To live in Pennsylvania, to have my first boyfriend. Everything was great. It was perfect. Until one day I felt the burning in the back of my head as eyes stared at me. Rumors had spread that I was bisexual. They were true, but no one knew that. To be bullied nonstop. Remembering the excruciating pain in my back as I was slammed into lockers. Eventually having to leave before anything extreme happened. That was the toughest thing I ever did. Having to leave everything behind, my friends and family.

To be unwanted means to be left behind by those you love. Them telling you that something happened, for it to be a complete lie. Like them telling you that he and stepmom were breaking up and that they are dropping you off to live with mom while he moves to Texas. The lie being that she was joining with all your siblings too. Here I am, the unwanted child that questions her father's love for her. That questions if she is enough. If he ever wanted her. Now i’m not so sure. For it seems that every time I call, I'm passed to someone else. I called you, didn’t I? Do you not want to talk to me? Do you still love me? For it seems that every time I text you, it's in perfect english. I texted you, didn’t I? Is this even you? Do you still love me? For it seems that every time you visit, we never hang out. You came to see me, didn’t you? Am I still your daughter? Do you still love me?

I never knew why I have anxiety attacks, only that I have them, and they ****. A LOT. I never knew how bad they got until I entered high school. As I’m writing this, I literally had an anxiety attack. Fun right? Yeah not so much. People don’t know what is going on in my head when I have to present something. They don’t get it, they just don’t understand why this happens to me and how intense it can get.
My anxiety can be really intense, I start to shake uncontrollably, I start crying, my heart rate goes really fast, I get lightheaded, and I feel like I want to pass out. My shoulders get really tense and I start rocking back and forth. I wish I could present in front of people, It’s just my body keeps telling me “No.” I feel like I’m trapped and there's no way out. I wish people understood what I’m going through instead of telling me constantly that it’s okay and that they understand.
That’s what I hate most. When people tell me that they understand because they don’t, they don’t go through what I’m going through. They have years of practice, I don’t. They don’t have anxiety attacks, I do. They don’t have social problems, I DO! I hate that I have anxiety and I hate myself for letting it take over me, but I can’t help it. I hate it. I HATE IT SO MUCH!!!

Distance is a test
Of how far
Our love
can Travel

Sometimes I feel like I want to give up
Why
Sometimes I feel like I let people down
Why
Sometimes It's hard for me to do things
Why
But I know I can do better
Why
I can learn from those mistakes
But Why
Because, well, Just because.