It's three thirty a.m.
And I am wide awake.
Clutching the tiny gem
He gave to stop heartache.

By all rights I should be
Utterly furious
For him calling at three,
Not being courteous.

But I grin in the dim
Light of my alarm clock
Thinking only of him
And our somewhat brief talk.

Walls close in around me
I can't breathe, I can't see.
I am gasping for air
Wriggling in its snare.

Alone, alone, alone
I know I'm on my own
As the clock ticks away
My minutes, hours, days.

I've been lying on a bed
Of thorns for so long
I neglected to see the
Rosebuds, pink and red.

Isn't it quite ironic,
That the rose forgot
The sweet scent of her own kind?
My balm, my tonic.

I haven't seen my petals
In the longest time.
I've only seen my sharp thorns
As the night settles.

You hit me like a blizzard
Hits the northeast, fast and strong.
At first it seems a blessing,
Get time off from school or work
And spend the day off lounging.
But then the cold starts to set
And the sharp winds start roaring
Threatening to break the house
As snow piles up around
Making me a prisoner.
Heavy clouds clutter the sky
And hard hail pounds on the roof
Like a terrified heartbeat.
And I start to wonder why
I thought this was a good thing.
I'm only thankful that like
Blizzards you eventually
Are gone from my life as well;
Leaving behind bright blue skies
And hope for a tomorrow.

I think I'm getting better
              But then one single
                                          Blow
Sends me spiraling back

I do remember vividly
The four a.m. conversations,
Feelings explained implicitly,
Plans made without obligations.

Toes dig into the rocks and sand
As we gaze up at the bright stars.
Nothing about that night was planned
Though it left us with unseen scars.

I remember the excitement
Of my phone lighting up the night
With your sweet words of enticement.
The fire in me would ignite.

And our flame was a bonfire
That lit up the world for miles
At once our warmth and our pyre.
We quickly burned with our smiles.

Sitting in the fog
I cannot help but wonder
If you can see me

You were the last
Piece of my past
That had to go
So I could sow
Seeds of healing
And warm feeling.

Now that you're gone
It's like a bomb
Exploded in
My chest, my skin.
I can't seem to
Breathe without you.

The seconds pass
The pain's not as
Sharp anymore.
Up off the floor,
Completely gone,
I carry on.

Comes a time
When everyone gets tired.
Same old things
Same old repetitions.

Comes a time
When patience runs right out.
No more smiles
No more waiting around.

Comes a time
When I realize some things.
What I want
And who I want to be.

Darlin'
    Did you know
        That you've never looked prettier
            Than with your hair *******
                And your body clothed in sweatpants?

Sweetheart,
    Did you know
        That with every word that you say
            And every step you take
                You leave me utterly entranced?

Honey,
    Did you know
        That with every argument
            And with every tear that falls
                Part of my heart would break and die?

Baby,
    Did you know
       How pretty you were with words
           How I was entranced by you
               And how I listened to you lie?

Don't ever leave me.
You would cut away my rope;
I'd be lost at sea.

I know what you would say to me:
"At least I was thinking of you."
But all I can see through your texts
Are images of my past life.
Sitting alone in the humid
Air of Florida trying to drown
My tears in pool water as
His slurred words "I'm way too busy"
Mixed with a girl's giggling voice
Flooded my mind repeatedly.
Feeling nothing but numbed surprise
As my father's hand rushed towards me,
Bottles of wine on the table.
Seated at a restaurant as
My grandfather cried saying how
Much I look like my grandmother;
Same determination, same hope,
While refilling his martini.
I hear his dense voice on the phone.
He'll do it, he'll jump, but not if
I tell him that I adore him
And I'll stay with him forever,
Ended with the smashing of glass.
So please forgive me when I say
I'm not a fan of your drunk texts.

I look inside and I see
Shards of glass buried deep
Slick and sharp, slicing me
When I breathe.

I can deal with pain that's
Forceful, full of feeling
But I don't do well with
Emptiness.

And having grown numb to
The razor blades within
The dark depths of my poor
Wounded soul,

I stabbed myself to rid
consuming vacancy.
But I failed to realize
It'd **** me.

I tell my stories and secrets
To the empty rooms
You left behind.

I still remember
That February night.
Tears froze before they
Had even reached my eyes.

The wooden dock swayed
Underneath us and yet
I remained steady
Grasping on to your coat.

You showed me the stars
But I only focused
On your eyes, your scent,
And the way you held me.

I still remember
Holding on to your cold
Dog tags, pretending
That I could make you stay.

In my feverish state I find myself
Reaching out, trying to sew together
The past and future, the present with self.
Arms wrap around me although I can't tell
If they are his, my mom's, or even God's.
But does it really even matter when
They serve the same purpose and provide love?
Whispers in my mind, is that you conscience?
But the past is past and I'm far too sick
To motivate myself to do more harm.
There is pounding pressure behind my eyes
And dust mites turn into swirling snowflakes
That set me aflame when they make contact.
Time is meaningless in this rabbit hole
So I wander with Alice for a bit
Trusting the Cheshire Cat and Mad Hatter
To keep us safe along the way.
Soon that ends and I start choking on air
Dense with regrets, obligations, and fear.
There is no end to this ****** inferno.
I can only hope my mind fades to black
For a time before this repeats itself.

I can see you through the wall of ice
Trying to reach me,
Attempting to talk with me.
I want to stretch back but I'm frozen,
Unable to move
Save for my tears of fire
Quickly blazing a way to my heart.
You wish to help me,
I know you don't understand.
You only get blasted with the cold
If you get too close
And it's starting to burn me.
I sincerely don't want to hurt you
But I know I do.
You deserve someone better;
I understand if you want to leave
(Oh God, please don't go).
Trade the icy frost for warmth,
Leave me with the dead for the living.

Roses always look beautiful
When the frost comes.
Always look poised
And fragile encased in the crystal.

But soon enough
The cold seeps in,
Blackening and withering them
Until they die.

From time to time
I sit with them,
These people of
My distant past.

I reach into
My memory
And pluck them from
My restless thoughts.

And then I twist
And pull and squeeze
Until I have
Them at their best.

All of us laugh
Remembering
The height of our
Times together.

But then even
That starts to fade
And slowly they
Become silent.

They stare at me.
Melancholy
Written in their
Old, tired eyes.

Even the kids
Are the same way
With their sad faces
Gazing at me.

"What?" I ask them
"What do you want?
I'm trying to
Keep you alive."

Tears flow freely
Down their faces,
From my two eyes,
Because we know.

This can't, won't last,
They are not real,
Not anymore.
And so, they fade.

What happened to the cannon fire
And to the guns with bayonets?
What happened to the cavalry
And to the soldiers with straight backs?

What happened to the officer
Who had overseen their training?
What happened to the drummer boy
Who kept the troops marching steady?

The cannons changed into grenades
And guns became automatic.
Horses were traded in for tanks
And our soldiers came home a wreck.

The officer is dead and gone
Replaced by a carbon copy.
And what use is music to them?
All they can hear are hearts pounding.

War has changed in so many ways
But there are some things I still know:
Glory was never an aspect
Of it and neither was honor.

Instead war is comprised of blood,
Tears, fallen comrades and lost years.

There was music in the way she moved
And her voice was of vivid sunlight.
She danced and leaped and twirled with water.
Her gaze was filled with the children soothed.

I tried to emulate all she did
I studied every single action
I noted the words she used in speech
I did every single thing she bid

But when I moved it was in silence
My mouth spoke words coated in moonlight
And when I danced it was with the earth.
My gaze filled with victims of violence.

Darling, dearest, I will not waste
Your time pretending that I can
Understand what you are thinking
And the darkness inside your mind,
For all our demons are unique.

If I had a flashlight I would
Employ it to block the shadows;
Or better yet I'd use sunbeams
To completely **** whatever
It is that's holding you hostage.

You say your mind bursts like rotten
Fruit, but sweetie, it was plucked from
The Tree of Knowledge so with that
Much wisdom about love and sin
It's normal the weight caused the fall.

I wish I could be the one to
Save you and tell you how vital
You are to me, to everyone.
But I learned a long time ago
That you are your own heroine.

You'll save yourself as you always
Do, and along the way you will
Rescue others as you have me,
Though you will never realize it
And refuse to acknowledge it.

The path ahead may be long and
Hard and it's okay to be weak
Sometimes and we'll help carry the
Load when you fall down. Remember,
However, you must soldier on.

As I drove closer
I could feel the pulse
Move through my body.

My heartbeat fluttered
Knowing it was near;
Family, friends, home.

I almost forgot...
The way your eyes light up when:
You're looking at me,
You find something amusing,
You hug me tightly,
You talk about the future,
You say "I love you."

I almost forgot...
How my heart starts pounding when
I open the door
And see you standing there,
Waiting to hug me,
Handsomely smiling at me,
Saying "I love you."

The ice on the river
Cracks and moans. Screaming, chunks
Of ice break off from the
Larger mass trying to
Hang on but still failing.
Instead they are carried
Down the river, melting
Into the ominous
Darkness of night. I feel
A piece within myself
Detach along with it,
An unnamed part that leaves
Me hollow and not quite
Whole, and not quite human.
You see, I've cried my own
River, where I cut off
Chunks of my heart and send
Them to oblivion.

I find it funny that
He makes me warmer in winter
Than you did in summer

I had a dream last night.
It was dark but the moon was bright
Casting grey and white rays
Of light, setting the sea ablaze.

It was calm and serene
Though only turmoil could be seen.  
I closed my eyes in thought;
Just feeling pain, but not distraught.

The waves washed over me
Touching first my feet then my knees,
Always creeping upwards
While my feelings spiraled backwards.

The storm raged on and on.
And then one moment it was gone.
The sun rose from the sea
And then you appeared before me.

The ocean became still,
And your presence banished the chill
That resided within
My body, my bones, and my skin.

The water turned to gold,
(What a sight it was to behold!)
The sand had turned pure white
The fish lifted up and took flight.

It was impossible,
Mystical and improbable,
Completely unlikely.
I wanted to drown in that sea.

Instead you took my hand,
And I had no choice but to stand
Apart from the current
And everything that was pleasant.

You shook me with your hands
Silent and making no demands.
"Hush and watch the sunrise."
But instead I opened my eyes.

Around me was blackness,
But I didn't feel the sadness
That I had felt before
As I had stood on the seashore.

The joy and happiness
Of my life are now gone
And yet, and yet, I'm scared.

I'm not ready to go
But I am already
Floating above this world.

I do not see angels
Nor bright eternal light
Nor Saint Peter's pearl gates,

I do not see darkness,
Nor the hot flames of Hell,
Nor the black river Stix.

I simply feel nothing.
My panic is smothered
By oppressive silence.

But this is not the way
I want to leave this earth;
Not feeling, not living.

I want to dance again,
I want to feel summer,
I want to laugh and sing.

But life is not perfect
And not all of us get
What we want in the end.

When I go to bed
My body automatically
Makes room to fit yours.

When I hold my breath,
I almost feel your lips press mine
But they're only ghosts.

For weeks on end I whined to you
'Bout how I wanted to go home,
My room painted yellow and blue,
And my bed as soft as clouds' foam.

But quite frankly I'd forgotten
How cold my bed got this season.
Even my sheets made of cotton
Failed to warm me without reason.

In abundance, I now had space
To stretch my body out at will
Though I curl in my own embrace
Quiet on my side I lie still.

Now I think I would trade it all
For my small, tiny, narrow bed
And my desolate white brick wall
If you were next to me instead.

Let me fly


                              Quick cut the rope tying us together
                           And I soar on the wind's wings.
                       You can't feel my heaviness
                   Up, higher and higher until
               My sails until I start to lift
           Let the breeze creep under
       On the ground as you go.
    Trailing me behind
Sprint ahead

I have felt like an outsider
Ever since my childhood ended
When I was left with a gaping
Hole carved by the one who loved me.
And I know he adores me still
But he is too far away now
That I cannot reciprocate
His feelings. Though I do admit,
I allow myself to succumb
To nostalgia once in a while.

My true friend gone, I bounced around
Different groups of people trying
To find my place in a sea of
Jealousy and competition.
I'm so thankful I got to know
The ones I did because they were
Beautiful and fascinating
In their own distinctive manner.
For a while I thought I found one
But I soon began to realize
That I had been brainwashed into
Thinking that I loved these people,
When really I didn't know them
And they didn't care to know me.

My world shattered and so did I;
Frantically trying to pick up
The pieces so I could be whole.
But my memories and thoughts of
The past eighteen years were too much
For me to pick up on my own.
One day while blindly moving in
The dark, I ran into one of
You who found a part of me on
The ground. You seemed to recognize
A shattered soul so you grabbed some
Glue and you called your friends asking
For help reassembling me.

Together, you made the cracks not
As obvious to those who looked;
But every time I peered in the
Mirror, there they were distorting
The image of myself and those
Around me.  But before you could
Repair that, we all went away
To separate places and I had
To try and fix the cracks myself.
But I only had so many
Hands so I built an elaborate
Device to keep me intact as
I mended each imperfection.

And that's how he found me, trying
To fix something he was convinced
Wasn't broken in the slightest.  
He unhooked me from the device
Then set me down and forced me to
Look at myself in the mirror.
For the first time in a long time
I saw my face and all of yours
Smiling in the reflection as
If to say "Now do you see us?"

All that's left is to remember
I must check the mirror every
So often so I can see your
Faces full of love and support
And see that I am not alone

I can't sleep, I can't rest my eyes.
Need to work harder this term,
Or I'll never get a job.
Need to get a job so I
Can work to get one later.
What will your face look like when
You see me? Will mine mirror
Yours? Do you still want to be
With me? Or are you sick of
My insecurities? I
Can't go back to the empty
Chatter and the meaningless
"I love you"s, sitting around
Waiting for absolutely
Nothing to happen.
Stabbed by passive aggressive
Thoughts unleashed like a weapon.
But this might not matter 'cause
The plane could crash or explode
And I won't have to worry
About a thing...except for
Medical bills, catching up
On schoolwork, notifying
Those who matter, offending
Those who don't. Maybe if I'm
Lucky I'll slip into a
Coma and rest for a while...
But that's no good because I'll
Just worry everyone else.
But really, I am just fine.
Just what are you doing? Don't
Look at me closely. I told
You that I'm fine, I'm okay.
Please have a nice day and don't
Worry about me. I'm fine.