My insides have been ripped out
Entrails lying ****** on the floor.
Worthless, worthless, I know.
I've been immobilized,
Curled on my bed, hands raised to my head
Trying to block out the screaming;
My own or the voices?
I can't tell anymore.
We are One.

Everything I touch withers and dies,
And I was surprised I hadn't yet
Since I grip myself so tightly
In order to keep it together.
But now I know I'm Death itself.
Guilt is my burden to bear as
I watch the light fade from their eyes.
We are Death.

I dance around in my room for a bit
Waltzing with the bear
Mi abuelita lovingly sent me.
Pure white with a red
Bow and a smile as bright as Florida skies
On a summer's day,
I wrap its arms around me and pretend
It's enough comfort.

In my feverish state I find myself
Reaching out, trying to sew together
The past and future, the present with self.
Arms wrap around me although I can't tell
If they are his, my mom's, or even God's.
But does it really even matter when
They serve the same purpose and provide love?
Whispers in my mind, is that you conscience?
But the past is past and I'm far too sick
To motivate myself to do more harm.
There is pounding pressure behind my eyes
And dust mites turn into swirling snowflakes
That set me aflame when they make contact.
Time is meaningless in this rabbit hole
So I wander with Alice for a bit
Trusting the Cheshire Cat and Mad Hatter
To keep us safe along the way.
Soon that ends and I start choking on air
Dense with regrets, obligations, and fear.
There is no end to this ****** inferno.
I can only hope my mind fades to black
For a time before this repeats itself.

What happened to the cannon fire
And to the guns with bayonets?
What happened to the cavalry
And to the soldiers with straight backs?

What happened to the officer
Who had overseen their training?
What happened to the drummer boy
Who kept the troops marching steady?

The cannons changed into grenades
And guns became automatic.
Horses were traded in for tanks
And our soldiers came home a wreck.

The officer is dead and gone
Replaced by a carbon copy.
And what use is music to them?
All they can hear are hearts pounding.

War has changed in so many ways
But there are some things I still know:
Glory was never an aspect
Of it and neither was honor.

Instead war is comprised of blood,
Tears, fallen comrades and lost years.

The nights are getting shorter,
The air no warmer,
But I know summer's coming
And you're still with me.
When sweat starts to bead my skin
And I come alive,
I'll take you to the meadow
Where I used to play
And we'll dance with the fireflies.
I'll show you the lake
Where my heart first broke in half
And we'll dance there too
Because I'm so **** happy
With you by my side.
I'll drive you around my town
And tell you stories
'Cause I want you to know me
Like no one else does.
See me underneath it all;
Behind the cold mask
And my empty confidence.
But what I want most
Is for you to see how much
I deeply love you.

I can see you through the wall of ice
Trying to reach me,
Attempting to talk with me.
I want to stretch back but I'm frozen,
Unable to move
Save for my tears of fire
Quickly blazing a way to my heart.
You wish to help me,
I know you don't understand.
You only get blasted with the cold
If you get too close
And it's starting to burn me.
I sincerely don't want to hurt you
But I know I do.
You deserve someone better;
I understand if you want to leave
(Oh God, please don't go).
Trade the icy frost for warmth,
Leave me with the dead for the living.

Roll over my waves and
                                  Sail ashore.
Let the wind take you home
                                  And rest, love.
Sway in my harbor and
                                  Drop anchor.
Warm yourself on the sand,
                                  Sleep awhile.
Go on, forget your cares;
                                  You're safe, love.
Take off your boots, darling.
                                  Come to me.
Can you hear me singing?
                                  Now kiss me.
Ignore the fluid cold,
                                 That's nothing.
Aren't you tired of life?
                                  I'll free you.
Listen to my song, love.
                                  Stop breathing.

I still find it strange, driving past your house
In winter, yes, but more so in the heat
Of summer...I can taste it...I can smell
The smoke from barbecues and the chicken
Nuggets we ate, chlorine staining our shirts,
The hint of rain on the wind, the heat of
The earth as our toes sunk into the ground.
I can hear lawn mowers, gears clicking as
We rode our bikes; if I listen closely,
The pounding of waves off in the distance.  
I feel the grass tickling my feet as
We lay on the ground looking up at the
Blue sky and puffy white clouds, which swiftly
Deepened into purple with dots of light,
Leaves brushing my skin as autumn approached.
I have no problem remembering these
Senses, but all I see is you and the
Sunrise reflected in your blue eyes and
The way your mouth curved when you laughed and smiled.
I see a lifetime of what was and a
Future of what could have been if you had
(If only, if only) stayed by my side.

White ink spills onto white paper.
Not the biggest of travesties
However you still know that it
Happened and you can't help but mourn
The loss of a prized possession
Even though it was completely
Useless to begin with.  But it
Doesn't matter because it was
Yours and it's been taken from you,
By your own doing, nonetheless,
But now you begin wondering
Why you used to cherish something
Of so little value to you.
Each time you tried to dip your pen
Into the ink you were forced to
Recognize that it would not help
In creating masterpieces.
Just like putting perfume on a
Flower or using a flashlight
Underneath the sun's rays, why would
You use something so trivial
In the shadow of another's
Majesty?  There's no use crying
Over it now.  Like spilled milk, it's
Gone.  Now just breathe and let it go.

The ice on the river
Cracks and moans. Screaming, chunks
Of ice break off from the
Larger mass trying to
Hang on but still failing.
Instead they are carried
Down the river, melting
Into the ominous
Darkness of night. I feel
A piece within myself
Detach along with it,
An unnamed part that leaves
Me hollow and not quite
Whole, and not quite human.
You see, I've cried my own
River, where I cut off
Chunks of my heart and send
Them to oblivion.

I can't sleep, I can't rest my eyes.
Need to work harder this term,
Or I'll never get a job.
Need to get a job so I
Can work to get one later.
What will your face look like when
You see me? Will mine mirror
Yours? Do you still want to be
With me? Or are you sick of
My insecurities? I
Can't go back to the empty
Chatter and the meaningless
"I love you"s, sitting around
Waiting for absolutely
Nothing to happen.
Stabbed by passive aggressive
Thoughts unleashed like a weapon.
But this might not matter 'cause
The plane could crash or explode
And I won't have to worry
About a thing...except for
Medical bills, catching up
On schoolwork, notifying
Those who matter, offending
Those who don't. Maybe if I'm
Lucky I'll slip into a
Coma and rest for a while...
But that's no good because I'll
Just worry everyone else.
But really, I am just fine.
Just what are you doing? Don't
Look at me closely. I told
You that I'm fine, I'm okay.
Please have a nice day and don't
Worry about me. I'm fine.

I know what you would say to me:
"At least I was thinking of you."
But all I can see through your texts
Are images of my past life.
Sitting alone in the humid
Air of Florida trying to drown
My tears in pool water as
His slurred words "I'm way too busy"
Mixed with a girl's giggling voice
Flooded my mind repeatedly.
Feeling nothing but numbed surprise
As my father's hand rushed towards me,
Bottles of wine on the table.
Seated at a restaurant as
My grandfather cried saying how
Much I look like my grandmother;
Same determination, same hope,
While refilling his martini.
I hear his dense voice on the phone.
He'll do it, he'll jump, but not if
I tell him that I adore him
And I'll stay with him forever,
Ended with the smashing of glass.
So please forgive me when I say
I'm not a fan of your drunk texts.

We aren't Bonnie and Clyde
You aren't my Romeo
To my Juliet, nor
Are we Cinderella
And Prince Charming. We aren't
Perfect or always kind
But I wouldn't want it
To be another way
Because this works for us.
You don't put me on a
Pedestal and expect
Me to be your savior.
And I look to you for
Support instead of just
Shutting you out as I
Would normally do in
Cases like this, simply
'Cause I have faith in you
And I have faith in us.
We're not a fairytale,
However, I like this
Reality just fine.

I have felt like an outsider
Ever since my childhood ended
When I was left with a gaping
Hole carved by the one who loved me.
And I know he adores me still
But he is too far away now
That I cannot reciprocate
His feelings. Though I do admit,
I allow myself to succumb
To nostalgia once in a while.

My true friend gone, I bounced around
Different groups of people trying
To find my place in a sea of
Jealousy and competition.
I'm so thankful I got to know
The ones I did because they were
Beautiful and fascinating
In their own distinctive manner.
For a while I thought I found one
But I soon began to realize
That I had been brainwashed into
Thinking that I loved these people,
When really I didn't know them
And they didn't care to know me.

My world shattered and so did I;
Frantically trying to pick up
The pieces so I could be whole.
But my memories and thoughts of
The past eighteen years were too much
For me to pick up on my own.
One day while blindly moving in
The dark, I ran into one of
You who found a part of me on
The ground. You seemed to recognize
A shattered soul so you grabbed some
Glue and you called your friends asking
For help reassembling me.

Together, you made the cracks not
As obvious to those who looked;
But every time I peered in the
Mirror, there they were distorting
The image of myself and those
Around me.  But before you could
Repair that, we all went away
To separate places and I had
To try and fix the cracks myself.
But I only had so many
Hands so I built an elaborate
Device to keep me intact as
I mended each imperfection.

And that's how he found me, trying
To fix something he was convinced
Wasn't broken in the slightest.  
He unhooked me from the device
Then set me down and forced me to
Look at myself in the mirror.
For the first time in a long time
I saw my face and all of yours
Smiling in the reflection as
If to say "Now do you see us?"

All that's left is to remember
I must check the mirror every
So often so I can see your
Faces full of love and support
And see that I am not alone

Well, darling, we've surpassed 3 a.m.
And 4 a.m....5 a.m....and 6...
Talking about our life together,
Only theoretically of course,
And I haven't freaked out.  Even when
You said the word "marriage," I didn't
Blink an eye and I took it in stride.

And when you said "children," I smiled;
An image of dark haired babes screaming,
Us two standing and laughing because
We just don't know what the **** to do.
My hair would be frazzled, hoisting one
On my hip as I sing lullabies.
And our toddler would be sitting
On your lap, chattering as your eyes
Widen, overwhelmed with her questions.
How I love your dark beautiful eyes.

I don't picture a white picket fence
With a manicured lawn and flowers
But I envision the two of us
Becoming older and sassier.
We are infinite for a while
Until I wake up one fateful day
And I realize that you have passed on.

But I gather the grand-kids around
And with a glimmer in my eye, I
Tell our story sparing no details
Because someone has to remember
When I am dead and gone from the world.
And when I close my eyes for the last
Time, I smile and say: "Remember,
Darling, when we were just pretending?"
And my soul will depart my body,
Find and join yours in our own heaven.

So answer me and please be honest;
Baby, will you live this dream with me?

You hit me like a blizzard
Hits the northeast, fast and strong.
At first it seems a blessing,
Get time off from school or work
And spend the day off lounging.
But then the cold starts to set
And the sharp winds start roaring
Threatening to break the house
As snow piles up around
Making me a prisoner.
Heavy clouds clutter the sky
And hard hail pounds on the roof
Like a terrified heartbeat.
And I start to wonder why
I thought this was a good thing.
I'm only thankful that like
Blizzards you eventually
Are gone from my life as well;
Leaving behind bright blue skies
And hope for a tomorrow.

You were the last
Piece of my past
That had to go
So I could sow
Seeds of healing
And warm feeling.

Now that you're gone
It's like a bomb
Exploded in
My chest, my skin.
I can't seem to
Breathe without you.

The seconds pass
The pain's not as
Sharp anymore.
Up off the floor,
Completely gone,
I carry on.

The joy and happiness
Of my life are now gone
And yet, and yet, I'm scared.

I'm not ready to go
But I am already
Floating above this world.

I do not see angels
Nor bright eternal light
Nor Saint Peter's pearl gates,

I do not see darkness,
Nor the hot flames of Hell,
Nor the black river Stix.

I simply feel nothing.
My panic is smothered
By oppressive silence.

But this is not the way
I want to leave this earth;
Not feeling, not living.

I want to dance again,
I want to feel summer,
I want to laugh and sing.

But life is not perfect
And not all of us get
What we want in the end.

I don't know what triggers it.
It could be the darkness,
A single word spoken,
A faint scent in the air,
Images burned in my eyes.

I only know that it shoots
Me without fair warning
With a force so strong
It knocks me off my feet
Leaving a critical wound.

Once I thought we'd be together
When we were younger; forever
Entwined by secrets and friendship.
Never thinking about hardship,

The difficulty of growing;

It's definitely not your fault
But I still blame you by default
Because the guilt does not belong
With me and I have done no wrong

**Not loving you as I once did.

It's three thirty a.m.
And I am wide awake.
Clutching the tiny gem
He gave to stop heartache.

By all rights I should be
Utterly furious
For him calling at three,
Not being courteous.

But I grin in the dim
Light of my alarm clock
Thinking only of him
And our somewhat brief talk.

I've forgotten how dark winter can be.
I've forgotten what it's like drifting in
And out of reality and my dreams.
To be completely honest, I'm starving.
Though my heart is open wide for friendship
And love, I feel as if I receive none;
Not in this town filled with ghosts and demons.

I've forgotten what it's like to lie in
Bed with no hope for heat or restful sleep.
Insomnia infecting my tired
Mind, I walk the halls of my empty house.
Pale, I'm little more than a ghost myself.

I live two lives in this body and my
Other, more preferable one is so
Very far away, it seems like a dream.
Did I ever feel your arms around me?
Your warm breath stirring my hair as you slept?
Did I ever wake up to your kisses
Or your sleepy smile so close to mine?

Maybe it's just that the hour is late,
And that I have not received proper sleep.
Maybe it's just the cold freezing my soul
Or maybe it's me feeling things too deep,
But I'm starving with no one to feed me.

Darling, dearest, I will not waste
Your time pretending that I can
Understand what you are thinking
And the darkness inside your mind,
For all our demons are unique.

If I had a flashlight I would
Employ it to block the shadows;
Or better yet I'd use sunbeams
To completely **** whatever
It is that's holding you hostage.

You say your mind bursts like rotten
Fruit, but sweetie, it was plucked from
The Tree of Knowledge so with that
Much wisdom about love and sin
It's normal the weight caused the fall.

I wish I could be the one to
Save you and tell you how vital
You are to me, to everyone.
But I learned a long time ago
That you are your own heroine.

You'll save yourself as you always
Do, and along the way you will
Rescue others as you have me,
Though you will never realize it
And refuse to acknowledge it.

The path ahead may be long and
Hard and it's okay to be weak
Sometimes and we'll help carry the
Load when you fall down. Remember,
However, you must soldier on.

For weeks on end I whined to you
'Bout how I wanted to go home,
My room painted yellow and blue,
And my bed as soft as clouds' foam.

But quite frankly I'd forgotten
How cold my bed got this season.
Even my sheets made of cotton
Failed to warm me without reason.

In abundance, I now had space
To stretch my body out at will
Though I curl in my own embrace
Quiet on my side I lie still.

Now I think I would trade it all
For my small, tiny, narrow bed
And my desolate white brick wall
If you were next to me instead.

There was music in the way she moved
And her voice was of vivid sunlight.
She danced and leaped and twirled with water.
Her gaze was filled with the children soothed.

I tried to emulate all she did
I studied every single action
I noted the words she used in speech
I did every single thing she bid

But when I moved it was in silence
My mouth spoke words coated in moonlight
And when I danced it was with the earth.
My gaze filled with victims of violence.

I do remember vividly
The four a.m. conversations,
Feelings explained implicitly,
Plans made without obligations.

Toes dig into the rocks and sand
As we gaze up at the bright stars.
Nothing about that night was planned
Though it left us with unseen scars.

I remember the excitement
Of my phone lighting up the night
With your sweet words of enticement.
The fire in me would ignite.

And our flame was a bonfire
That lit up the world for miles
At once our warmth and our pyre.
We quickly burned with our smiles.

Don't ever leave me.
You would cut away my rope;
I'd be lost at sea.

From time to time
I sit with them,
These people of
My distant past.

I reach into
My memory
And pluck them from
My restless thoughts.

And then I twist
And pull and squeeze
Until I have
Them at their best.

All of us laugh
Remembering
The height of our
Times together.

But then even
That starts to fade
And slowly they
Become silent.

They stare at me.
Melancholy
Written in their
Old, tired eyes.

Even the kids
Are the same way
With their sad faces
Gazing at me.

"What?" I ask them
"What do you want?
I'm trying to
Keep you alive."

Tears flow freely
Down their faces,
From my two eyes,
Because we know.

This can't, won't last,
They are not real,
Not anymore.
And so, they fade.

I've been lying on a bed
Of thorns for so long
I neglected to see the
Rosebuds, pink and red.

Isn't it quite ironic,
That the rose forgot
The sweet scent of her own kind?
My balm, my tonic.

I haven't seen my petals
In the longest time.
I've only seen my sharp thorns
As the night settles.

Walls close in around me
I can't breathe, I can't see.
I am gasping for air
Wriggling in its snare.

Alone, alone, alone
I know I'm on my own
As the clock ticks away
My minutes, hours, days.

I used to have a swing-set
Set up underneath the tree
In the green years of my life
I'd play on it 'til I'd sweat.

Even now I still recall
The sweet exhilaration
Of climbing higher, higher,
Until my body would fall.

I can't count how many dreams
I would live through that swing-set.
Rest assured, I thought them all
Underneath the sun's bright beams.

But then it happened one day
That the swing-set disappeared.
All my dreams were forgotten;
Ended were my days of play.

I do wish I could return
At times to those summer days,
The golden days when the most
Dreadful thing was a sunburn.

But instead I am left here
To linger in the twilight
Growing cold and immobile,
As winter slowly draws near.

I find it funny that
He makes me warmer in winter
Than you did in summer

I had a dream last night.
It was dark but the moon was bright
Casting grey and white rays
Of light, setting the sea ablaze.

It was calm and serene
Though only turmoil could be seen.  
I closed my eyes in thought;
Just feeling pain, but not distraught.

The waves washed over me
Touching first my feet then my knees,
Always creeping upwards
While my feelings spiraled backwards.

The storm raged on and on.
And then one moment it was gone.
The sun rose from the sea
And then you appeared before me.

The ocean became still,
And your presence banished the chill
That resided within
My body, my bones, and my skin.

The water turned to gold,
(What a sight it was to behold!)
The sand had turned pure white
The fish lifted up and took flight.

It was impossible,
Mystical and improbable,
Completely unlikely.
I wanted to drown in that sea.

Instead you took my hand,
And I had no choice but to stand
Apart from the current
And everything that was pleasant.

You shook me with your hands
Silent and making no demands.
"Hush and watch the sunrise."
But instead I opened my eyes.

Around me was blackness,
But I didn't feel the sadness
That I had felt before
As I had stood on the seashore.

Sitting in the fog
I cannot help but wonder
If you can see me

I sat with you
Among the books
That are filled with
Words unspoken.

Concentrating
On your studies,
I couldn't help
But stare at you

And secretly
Wish that you would
Look up at me
And study me
In the same way.

And then you did,
Making me blush
As you remarked
On my speech and
My new hair part.

Noticing at
Times I can't deal
With people and
Telling me that's
More than ok.

But even if
You neglected
To notice me,
I really think
That would be fine.

Because I'd still
Be completely
At liberty
To study you.

I stared at the wall
Not an actual wall
But 'twas a wall nonetheless
Built up from the ground in hatred
And bitterness, it divided us
And buried what could have been, deep inside.

They wrote on the wall
(Not actually though)
And graffitied some harsh words
Amongst paintings of lewd gestures.
I leaned back and watched it all unfold
I watched as this new art form came to life.

I looked at your face
Not your actual face
But it was you all the same
Floating right in front of my eyes
Laughing and mocking me with your friends
The very same friends that used to be mine.

Lady of Shalott,
I'm being dramatic,
But I'm half sick of shadows.
Good thing you showed me your true self
So I wouldn't make the same mistake
And leave my safe tower for a stranger

I want to know when
                            Exactly when
The beat of the drum
                            Had turned into
The beat of my heart
                            Trying to flee.


Please explain to me
                            how smooth twirling
And energetic
                           leaps through the air
Has now turned into
                           leaden horror.


When did the music
                            Lose its power
To inspire me
                            And let me dance
But instead make me
                            So dead inside?

Darlin'
    Did you know
        That you've never looked prettier
            Than with your hair *******
                And your body clothed in sweatpants?

Sweetheart,
    Did you know
        That with every word that you say
            And every step you take
                You leave me utterly entranced?

Honey,
    Did you know
        That with every argument
            And with every tear that falls
                Part of my heart would break and die?

Baby,
    Did you know
       How pretty you were with words
           How I was entranced by you
               And how I listened to you lie?

They're there again
                  Staring at me,
                  Mocking me.
The thin lines angrily weave
Through the underside of
Her slightly tan arm.

"It's fine, it's nothing"
                 Hiding her arm,
                 Her poor arm.
But I can still see them
Glaring at me by
The light of the fire.

Does anyone else notice?
                 Other than me,
                 Little me.
Unable to prevent her pain
Silently, I weep as I watch
Balloons float into the night