The joy and happiness
Of my life are now gone
And yet, and yet, I'm scared.

I'm not ready to go
But I am already
Floating above this world.

I do not see angels
Nor bright eternal light
Nor Saint Peter's pearl gates,

I do not see darkness,
Nor the hot flames of Hell,
Nor the black river Stix.

I simply feel nothing.
My panic is smothered
By oppressive silence.

But this is not the way
I want to leave this earth;
Not feeling, not living.

I want to dance again,
I want to feel summer,
I want to laugh and sing.

But life is not perfect
And not all of us get
What we want in the end.

I don't know what triggers it.
It could be the darkness,
A single word spoken,
A faint scent in the air,
Images burned in my eyes.

I only know that it shoots
Me without fair warning
With a force so strong
It knocks me off my feet
Leaving a critical wound.

Once I thought we'd be together
When we were younger; forever
Entwined by secrets and friendship.
Never thinking about hardship,

The difficulty of growing;

It's definitely not your fault
But I still blame you by default
Because the guilt does not belong
With me and I have done no wrong

**Not loving you as I once did.

It's three thirty a.m.
And I am wide awake.
Clutching the tiny gem
He gave to stop heartache.

By all rights I should be
Utterly furious
For him calling at three,
Not being courteous.

But I grin in the dim
Light of my alarm clock
Thinking only of him
And our somewhat brief talk.

I've forgotten how dark winter can be.
I've forgotten what it's like drifting in
And out of reality and my dreams.
To be completely honest, I'm starving.
Though my heart is open wide for friendship
And love, I feel as if I receive none;
Not in this town filled with ghosts and demons.

I've forgotten what it's like to lie in
Bed with no hope for heat or restful sleep.
Insomnia infecting my tired
Mind, I walk the halls of my empty house.
Pale, I'm little more than a ghost myself.

I live two lives in this body and my
Other, more preferable one is so
Very far away, it seems like a dream.
Did I ever feel your arms around me?
Your warm breath stirring my hair as you slept?
Did I ever wake up to your kisses
Or your sleepy smile so close to mine?

Maybe it's just that the hour is late,
And that I have not received proper sleep.
Maybe it's just the cold freezing my soul
Or maybe it's me feeling things too deep,
But I'm starving with no one to feed me.

Darling, dearest, I will not waste
Your time pretending that I can
Understand what you are thinking
And the darkness inside your mind,
For all our demons are unique.

If I had a flashlight I would
Employ it to block the shadows;
Or better yet I'd use sunbeams
To completely **** whatever
It is that's holding you hostage.

You say your mind bursts like rotten
Fruit, but sweetie, it was plucked from
The Tree of Knowledge so with that
Much wisdom about love and sin
It's normal the weight caused the fall.

I wish I could be the one to
Save you and tell you how vital
You are to me, to everyone.
But I learned a long time ago
That you are your own heroine.

You'll save yourself as you always
Do, and along the way you will
Rescue others as you have me,
Though you will never realize it
And refuse to acknowledge it.

The path ahead may be long and
Hard and it's okay to be weak
Sometimes and we'll help carry the
Load when you fall down. Remember,
However, you must soldier on.

For weeks on end I whined to you
'Bout how I wanted to go home,
My room painted yellow and blue,
And my bed as soft as clouds' foam.

But quite frankly I'd forgotten
How cold my bed got this season.
Even my sheets made of cotton
Failed to warm me without reason.

In abundance, I now had space
To stretch my body out at will
Though I curl in my own embrace
Quiet on my side I lie still.

Now I think I would trade it all
For my small, tiny, narrow bed
And my desolate white brick wall
If you were next to me instead.