What if I fell in love
With a broken down *******
Not because I needed to fix him
But simply because I wanted to revel in his beauty
The maddening craziness
Of a life
A life that didn't need to be maintained with perfection
A life where you could just knock down pillars that you didn't need
Destroy friendships that weren't beneficial
A life where one could disown one's own mother
Without the whole neighbourhood offering their tut-tuts
And their 5 cents too many
About how to trim your garden
What if I fell in love with a life
Who let their weeds grow
And created a garden out of thorns
A **** patch that would make those neighbours shriek
What if I fell in love with chaos and disorder
Not to right the tables
Nor to order the shelves
What if I didn't attempt to prune the garden
But I let it grow into a forest
And then laughed when I stepped on a thorn
What if I let the sun shine through the madness
What if I opened my arms to the destruction
What if you sung me a lullaby out of tune
And I asked you to sing it anyways…

i mean, you fed me mouthfuls of beautiful words
& sang pretty promises in my ears.  so forgive me for wanting you
to be my last.  forgive me for thinking i might be something
worth keeping.  it’s just i could have sworn
our hearts beat together back
when you first leaned in to steal a kiss.  maybe i’m
a mess of foolish hopes and dreams.  maybe i’m
disaster.  but i know how you like your coffee &
the words to all your favorite songs.  i remember
everything about you.  memorized every
freckle & scar.  & you always seem to be preparing me
for the day you leave.  tonight, i’ll bandage my own
wounds.  read through pages of other people’s words.
try to forget the way loss feels
scalpel-sharp on my skin.  try to pretend
i’m yours
a little longer.

i will love you,
    until i learn to love myself

A million thoughts running through my head
They all cause me to weep
A million thoughts running through my head
All I want to do is sleep
A million thoughts running through my head
The voices they won't stop
A million thoughts running through my head
Until the final bullet is shot

Just like I will.