I don't know
If it's my depression talking
Self esteem issues flaring
Delusional unjustified attacks
Self terrorism at it's finest
Yet no matter what
I won't measure up
Not even to the hunchback
I'm just an existence
Floating unnoticed
Unwanted undesirable
I'm subjected to loneliness
Best friend a shadow
Worst enemy a reflection
Only lover I'll have
Is the stars
They're already dead
Yet still trying to light
The path I'm on

Silent when I need answers
Vocal only when I want solitude
You can't make up your mind
Which foot race it is
You wish to finish
So you run them all
Watching you change
As all your vibrant colors
Showcase themselves
Valiantly on display
What made you
Seem to find comfort
In the echoing caverns
Of uncharted brain cells
What made you
My greatest friend
All the while
My overwhelming enemy
What made you
Hate me as much as we do
The only thing we agree on
This torturous weight
Seven pounds accumulates
After carrying for so long
With weakening muscles
Once a valued trophy
Now bubblegum
Annoyingly attached to soles
Trampled on till recognized
Then discarded with everyday trash
What made you
Have a voice of an angel
Hiding behind 90 years
Of smokers cough
It's not so much
What it is you whisper
It's the calming of the wisdom
Behind each scream
That terrifies me to no end
So I run
Thinking if I do the opposite
I'll be free from myself
Even for a minute
Yet you knew already
It's in your design
To display what could be
While leading me
To what should be
No matter if it is
Exactly how I wish it would be
What made you
The way you are
Perfectly made for me

I'll follow lost
Desperately without hesitation
I need the escape
I'll leave behind
A heart strung out
Addicted to her
She who will never
Grasp the depth of my love
Lead me away
Whether to my death
Or far enough
She'll never bless
Another of my senses
This black hole energy
Keeps me orbiting
False hopes I derive
From delusional fantasies
Lead me away
Let me abandon a heart
I'm forced to endure
I've made my enemy
I can't take anymore
Akephalos
Come forth
Release me from my eternal prison
Lead me away
To a realm exceeding
This plane of existence
Where I can bury
These confines of mortality
That plague me
Lead me away
Lead me away
I can't face her
Knowing I love her
To the ends that I do
Knowing I'm a puppet
To an emotion
Steadily destroying me
Lead me away
Before I carry myself away

It's human right
Lending a hand
To someone who
May or may not bite
When it's outstretched
Guidelines and rules
To keep peace
But here it is more strikes
On tally boards
You caught feelings
Even why you tried not to
Over used
Under appreciated
Here I go
Giving up again
When life's hammering
I try to be the back bone
Of every situation
The level foundation
Yet I'm scheduled
For more demolition
Before blueprints are made
A helping hand
Grabbed and pulled
Never grabbed and held
This is isn't right
For me to do this
To be like this
Hating my existence
When everyone else
Finds something to love
I'm the water hole
In the desert
Alone
Drying up
I can only fill so many
Before I go away
It never rains
So value me now
As shade and food
Are bountiful
I'll have given it all
Just to see you grow
Yet you never considered
My affection and gave back
You used and polluted me
Making me what I am now
A burning hole
Filled with ash and bone
Waiting for it to rain
To drown you out
And carry you far enough away
You'll appreciate me
When I take form
In another place

Drifting so slowly
Letting the world rotate
For once without me
I'll sit on cloud 9
Bounce back and forth
From dark ones
To seemingly transparent
My head's a thunderstorm
Of calm winds and rolling thunder
It's confusion yet serenity
A paradise within chaos
You won't find too often
That rabbit hole
Alice was never meant to find
Yet here we are
Slaying Jabowakis
And pondering Hatters riddles
Why is a Raven like a writing desk
The freedom to go
Wherever it is you fathom
The blank stare
Before the ball
Pointing you to creativity
Perhaps it's the ability
To get lost in the clouds
Filling your head
With the idea
One day you won't return
And your left trying
To outrun the darkest cloud
Just for a moment of clarity
I'm piddling again
And I've lost my train of thought
Hatter
Why is a Raven
Like a writing desk
Simple answer my dear
I don't know
We're just body's
Attached to heads
Full of Clouds
That either fill us with amusement
Or crash down on us
With the upmost hostility

This constantino ribbon
You managed to coil
Delicately around my heart
Makes for the perfect yoyo string
Guaranteed to hurt me
No matter what tricks you play
Sad thing is
I don't believe you intended
For any of this to happen
Yet here it is
The world's smallest violin
At your fingertips
As I watch you with him
Witnessing every chance
I wouldn't mind having
Get backwashed in ceramic
You and me
It'll never be
You're chasing something
I don't have a need for
That gratification of being
Somebody's little hero
I'm chasing a bigger role
As somebody's little world
I see your smile
I know the genuine imprint
It leaves on your face
But no matter how hard I hammer
I can't leave a dent
On that shutout heart
You forged around his hands
Maybe it's jealousy
So much more envy
Watching how all he has to do
Is look in an opposite direction
You'll be chasing his sight
Waiting for the recognition
You feel only he can give
You wonder why I never made a move
Why my chess pieces stayed
Ever so stationary
What's the point of playing
When you're at a different table
Playing monopoly
With him owning the board
Already won
Without ever giving anyone
A chance to roll the dice
It'll never be
Its all too familiar to me
I'm no one's anything
Just a man idle as a pawn
Easily cast aside
To get to the King
I'll never reach the other side
Stuck on the middle row
Of this board we play on
Maybe I need to play cards
Give up on my usual efforts
All that happens is a broken pawn
Worn out from too many uses
No chance at becoming
That King I know I could be
Its not in the cards for me
Yet again proven wrong
My heart's too worthless
To find momentary satisfaction
Giving way to closer examination
Finding the deeper veins
Hold more riches
Then those seen
With the naked eye
It'll never be
Not at least for me

I'm tired of this
Every open window
You peer through
Becomes doors swung open
Just to slam in your face
When you get to the threshold
No singular heart
Can possibly sustain
This much agony at once
Why is it trial and error
With every passing face
Heart too big
If you tried to ****
Somehow it would manage
Locating a rhythm
Deeper than any machine
Could hope to detect
It's always move on
She's around the corner
Be a gentleman
Do what they never had done
Managing never to be
More worthy than anyone
You stand beside me
I can't compare
To what she wants
Or what she desires
I'm not the happy middle
I'm the lost cause
Still trying to find
That one heart
That will cradle mine
Long into the silent hours
That taunt me with exhaustion
Plague me with insomnia
If this doesn't end
I might have to
Ceasing a human existence
Just to see how hard I'll be then
To either love or be loved
Admired for positivity
When I'll simply
Focus on only doing
No doing
Void of desire and need
I'll drop dead
From malnutrition in heart mind and body
But they won't care
They got what they chased
I got used without realizing
My dysfunction is a disorder
They'll never cure
It's fool
Hopeless dreamer in the art
Of giving thought a second chance
That for once
I'll be adequate finally
Dear Self
I hope you found her
The messiah to your idiocy
The blessing behind your faith
Maybe you didn't give up
Perhaps you did
Either outcome
Your bound to catch hell
I'm not the type to please
I'm the pleasing type