A forgotten ramification
Brutal yet honest
10000 volts
40cc
Ready, aim, fire
Fill my veins with death
Challenge any god
If ever your blood soaks my hands
I ask for all three
Living without you
Would only be a waste of oxygen
So kiss me goodnight
I’ll hide you in my drawer
My sweet surrender
My half ounce of Mary Jane

I was asked for my price
Not for my soul
Not for any jobs
Neither for my heart
I was asked
How much
To rewind it all
Start over with the same knowledge
I know now
Would I do it all over
Could I
Would any amount be worth it
To forget the pain
Erase my mistakes
Say I’m sorry
A thousand times less
I couldn’t price it
Give me your best offer
A six pack of beer
Fifth of whiskey
Pound of ****
And a lifetime knowing
You always made the right decision
Sold
I would have done it just to forget

Now I lay you down to sleep
An endless archive of emotions
Finally ran dry
Bled For me my own sorrow
After 5 years
Unknown account of words
The only pen I’ve ever used
To write what I’ve felt
You knew me better then I did
Your knowledge leaked
Tears of black
Dancing between lines
I always feared I’d never fill
I lay you to rest today
So I’ll slide in this new cartridge
Yell clear
In the hopes your point is still sharp
Wish changing hearts was as easy

If you ever wondered
what happens in my mind
Where I drift
When my eyes glaze over
When I no longer reside
In this barren plain of existence
It’s a bit scary
Even for me
I strangle cats
Detach limbs from dogs
Mutilate humanity
Roast souls on open flames
Consume my own darkness
In the hope I’ll be able to brave it
The uncertainty of living
Finishing what I started
Giving up when it was necessary
Knowing when to stop lying to myself
I know I’m not happy
Yet I fake it till maybe it’ll go my way
I’m starting to resent it all
With myself at the top of that list
How can you love
When your entire existence
Was fueled by hate
How do you find happiness
When happiness is undefined
I know what happy moments are
But it’s only a temporary fix
With unpleasant side effects
Chasing and chasing
Playing cat and mouse
With silhouettes and laser pointers
There’s a target
But no chance in hell of obtaining
And even when I want to say it
I can’t
I’ll be interrogated
Asked what’s so unhappy about my life
Who do I hate
Why do I hate
It’s as simple as
My own emotional standing
Disregarded
Hate myself
For never measuring up
To invisible standards
Always being told No
Just accepting it
Because it’s all I’ve known
But what does one life mean
Even if my biggest accomplishment
Can’t even understand
Her father is dying before her
I hate myself mostly for that
Bringing her into a home
I don’t even consider a home
Nothing I built with my own hands
Slipping deeper into a depression
I don’t even want to admit to
I just play Happy
With a Resting ******* face
If my expression never changes
You can’t tell how I’m feeling
Even when I crack a smile
In the hopes you’ll keep walking
Stop talking to me
Sure your problems may be bigger
And this might sound
Like a useless person complaining
Pathetic in his own right
I wouldn’t even object
But what’s so wrong with wanting
Aiming to do something amazing
Even if you consider it stupid
Never given the opportunity
Just for once I’d love to hear
That sounds awesome so do it
It’s a small feat
For someone with smaller ambitions
As long as I can remember
I never wanted to live
But I’m not ready to die
I just accept that it’s coming
Ready for when it does
Won’t resist
Already wrote up a physical DNR
So here’s my emotional one
Call the time of death
Notify those that need organs
Leave the heart
It’s too broken to use
Donate what’s left
Maybe my final act
Will be what defines me
And bring happiness to someone else
Then I snap back to reality
Ask for you to repeat what you said
Because the amount of ******
In my head
Drowns out the sound of your voice

Me: I wonder if I should call
Voices: She won’t answer
Me: Should I text
Voices: She’ll never even open it
Me: Should I Snapchat
Voices: She’ll laugh at your desperation
Me: Did I lose her forever
Voices: As long as there is breath in her
Me: I’ve let her down too many times
Voices: The only reason she forgot you
Me: Still it’s her birthday
Voices: Give Up
Me: Why does it hurt even after so much time
Voices: Not enough time in this life or the next
Me: When does it end
Voices: when the director yells..


Pistol: CUT

She screams deja vu
From her curly hair
To her cerulean eyes
Drowning me in memories
I wonder when the waves
Will stop beating me
Against jagged rocks
Tooth and nail
Ripping at my sanity
Must I always miss
Those I loved
Remember only what I should have done
Instead of what I didn’t do

A star struck gaze
Across endless isles
Stocked with our favorite snacks
A brush of your fingers
Before we depart
A whisper of her perfume
Finding your senses
A shotgun stare
When you make too much noise
While the baby sleeps
Those simple moments
Where we whisper
Careful not to destroy them
Because they don’t come around often
Even when I forget to say
I love you
You know my heart
And where it lays
Eternally residing
In the trunk
At the foot of our bed
Where scrape book memories
Remind me of those simple moments