Ayaba Babe: Favorites

Apr 2013 Ayaba Babe

E I Alvarez

you are my longing and
strange, half-formed desire
for a touch or embrace or emotion
i can read.

you are my eight years of commitment and
inability to understand how i
really feel about
you, or me, or us together.

you are my uncertainty and
apprehensiveness to change
what we've only just barely recovered,
what we'd so utterly lost.

you are my confusion and
"am i really feeling this way?"
or am i just replacing
him with you.

you are my selfishness and
want for some sort of stability.
a love that is
only mine.

you are my insecurity and
lack of petite, feminine qualities.
being so distinctly not
your type.

you are my happiness and
joyful, unabashed smiles.
with easy laughter shining
in your bright eyes.

Apr 2013 Ayaba Babe

On Coping

Apr 2013 Ayaba Babe

E I Alvarez

On Coping

you are gone.
so with a weird empty space in my chest and a long painful recovery, i move on.
it is long and it is painful, but it is progress and so i am thankful. it’s a little strange to deliver this sort of news. it’s my first time. but then my first is time is my second time is my third time and after that its less difficult. i’ve adjusted to the idea of marking you as absentee from my life, but sometimes i’ll forget and you are there smiling, for a moment. and in that single moment i can remember every single good thing about us. but it will pass as it always does. when it is over i will remember the bad things again. and from there i will start to recover again. will start to live again. will laugh again.
and find someone new to remember.

Apr 2013 Ayaba Babe

Why It Never Could Have Worked

Apr 2013 Ayaba Babe

E I Alvarez

Why It Never Could Have Worked

I am so afraid
of loving you
because
I am so afraid
of losing you.

Apr 2013 Ayaba Babe

supermassive blackhole

Apr 2013 Ayaba Babe

E I Alvarez

supermassive blackhole

sitting outside under starlight.
breathing in the atmosphere and million year old earth.
with you, counting constellations and pretending for awhile that nothing else exists.

we will orbit the sun and the planet will rotate like the hands of a clock spinning round and round until time runs out. perhaps at the end of time we will supernova like stars; our remnants will glow colorful and beautiful and shining, but we will be dead. and in our remains will swirl tiny pieces of us all mixed up with matter. people will look at us through telescopes to study what we used to be.

or maybe I will collapse in on myself and twisting, become a black hole.
******* in every star and planet and ray of light until nothing is left. the people, with their telescope eyes, will stare and wonder how I came to exist.
but I will know. and spend the rest of that existence chasing stars to fill the void.

Apr 2013 Ayaba Babe

On Grief

Apr 2013 Ayaba Babe

E I Alvarez

On Grief

in the stillness i waited
for
some sign
that you were alive.

when it did not come
i died there
with you.

Apr 2013 Ayaba Babe

Grandes Exitos

Apr 2013 Ayaba Babe

E I Alvarez

Grandes Exitos

you are the

best

and

worst

thing that has happened

to me so far.

you are exactly

what i need and

what i want and

no one

has ever made me feel

the way you make me feel.

you bring out the

best

and

worst

in me.

you make me feel

beautiful and wanted but

jealous and obsessive.

expressive and alive but

still clinging to you like a child.

this is the

best

and

worst

thing i’ve ever felt.

because i think

i really think

i was in love with you.

or at least this is

the closest i’ve ever gotten to

love or

something like it.

this is what i know

about love:

it is the

best

and

worst

thing that could happen to you.

a euphoric feeling of

being needed.

a terrifying feeling of

addiction.

love is:

me still writing

poems about you

months after the fact.

me still dependent on

you like

a drug. unable to

escape this prison and the

best

and

worst

part is i did it

to myself.

still thinking that

someday it will work out

because there cannot be

anyone else. you are

it

for me. but this is

what i know about

love: it is

not

infinite or

unconditional or

something to build

your life on.

what i know about love

every man in my life

has taught me. one

at a time

they tell me

love is: not

what you thought

at all.

love is: when you

feel that pain

in that one spot

of your chest where you

feel it

every time. like when

your brother left or

your uncle left or

your father left.

so the

best

and

worst

thing i’ve ever done

was to

love you like i

didn’t know

what love is.

to b:
i would have waited forever for you.

Apr 2013 Ayaba Babe

On Temptation

Apr 2013 Ayaba Babe

E I Alvarez

On Temptation

It’s irresistible.
The soft sound of your breath and
the way your hips move
in the dark.
I like the glisten of sweat on your chest and
the straining of your arms
against the bed sheets.
I like your voice and
the look in your eyes
like a whole different man.
I love it when you beg.
I love it when I give in and
the feeling of mutual satisfaction
as we both touch.
I love the ending and
when you lose control
for me.
I love the epilogue and
the daze you’re in
“Wow.” You say.

Apr 2013 Ayaba Babe

maybe

Apr 2013 Ayaba Babe

Raymond Johnson

maybe

A Crush*

There was something different about you
something I can’t really put my finger on.

Maybe it was the way you laughed and flashed your dynamite smile
and tucked your hair behind your ear
that made me think that god might actually be real after all.

Maybe it was the way your blue eyes
were deeper the ocean and held twice as many secrets.

Maybe it was the way you always managed to stay on my mind
like the ink stains on my fingers that stubbornly refuse to wash out.

Maybe it was the way you carefully
calculated every syllable and significant sound to ever escape your lips
in order to never waste a breath.

Maybe it was just the way you cared.

Maybe it was the way you bought your sweaters large
and owned fifty pairs of jeans
to cover up your battle scars
and appear like other teens.

Maybe it was the fact that you recognized
that art isn’t really found in a gallery or hung up on a wall
but found in the way the wind flows through the trees
and blows each one of the leaves a kiss
and the way the sun rises every day
and doesn’t ask for anything in return.

Maybe it was the way you manifest in this three dimensional space
the grace and poise with which you traversed it
the magnificent manner in which you allowed
the light to reflect off your skin
and the singsong splendor
you commanded of your voice.

Maybe it was just the concept of you
the hope that maybe
just maybe
you had these feelings too.

i don't really like the ending of this. if you have any ideas for a better one please leave them in the comments.

Apr 2013 Ayaba Babe

I am

Apr 2013 Ayaba Babe

Raymond Johnson

I am

I am.
I am fish and brick and sun and moon and sky and earth and river and forest and thunder and storm and silence.
I am light and dark and blood and sand and sinew and mud and bone and fear and loathing.
I am ambition and broken trust and betrayal and broken promises.
I am triumph and failure and love and loss.
I am the summer breeze and the arctic blizzard, I am the waves crashing upon the shore and the sunlight warming the lizards on the rocks.
I am the stars that shine in the night sky and the nebulae being born past the purview of your eyes.
I am the vast nothingness of space and the infinitesmal denseness of singularity.
I am the space between heartbeats and the silence between words.
I am the oneness of all things, the internal nirvana, the consciousness of the universe and its fleshy manifestation.
I am good.
I am evil.
I am god.
I am me.
I am you.
I am we.
I am.

Apr 2013 Ayaba Babe

an aria to absence

Apr 2013 Ayaba Babe

Raymond Johnson

an aria to absence

The distance between us is certainly
the most unintentionally malevolent thing in the universe.

No comfort can be found
within the cold arms of those monolithic miles.

The cruelest curse god bestowed upon us when we dared to sin
was the ability to miss a touch you've never felt-
and long for a voice you've never heard-
to fall in love with people you'll never meet-
and places you'll never go-
to obsess over things that'll never happen.

The only love we know is unrequited,
and solitude is our closest companion.

This is the carnage of our reality.
We have worn our voices raw screaming each other’s names towards the heavens.
We sing this dreadful dirge in memoriam Of all of the dreams that will never come true.