my synapses fire like artillery cannons
and the pistons of my heart roar to life
whenever you grace my mind with your presence

i find myself wanting to be
more than fleeting glances
across concrete streets

i simply wish you'd love me like you love coffee
and old sweaters
and older records
and the smell of the ground after the rain.

there's so much space in my bed that you could be filling
all this and more is possible
if you're willing

The brain is a pretty rad little doodad. Sitting atop your neck, buzzing with blood and budding thoughts like an apple tree in spring.
I think it's fascinating that we're still quire clueless as to how it really works.
There's one particular part that still fascinates me, namely, memory.

Memories are the cranial equivalent of keeping a diary or writing in a journal. a collection of feelings and happenings of days gone by and words once said.
There are a few journal entries, if you will, that stand out to me. Ones I made with a girl... let's call her B.

If B were here right now, I'd look her in her big brown eyes and ask her:

Do you remember?

Do you remember the divine way the curves of your body fit into mine was we lay in an amorous embrace amongst the blankets and downy pillows?

Do you remember the way I told you a million times that I loved your hair. Your angelic, graceful hair, even though you thought it was too long and too messy?

How we walked through the forest for hours, talking about nothing and nonsense, and how we sat on a log for what seemed like eternity until I manufactured enough courage to finally kiss you?

They say that elephants never forget, and every time you cross my mind I feel my nose getting a little longer and my skin turning a little greyer.

Do you remember? Because I sure as hell do.

Do you remember how adorable you looked in those pajama pants of mine that were about a foot too long for you because you forgot to bring your own?

Do you remember how we sat on a bench and watched the birds flit from feeder to feeder as the sun waved us a crimson farewell?

Do you remember the feeling of your lips upon my lips, and the simple fact that it is impossible to properly describe that in any banal combination of 26 tired characters?

Do you remember the bittersweet intermingling of the smells of my eighty dollar cologne and your forty dollar shampoo?

Do you remember the way we looked into each other’s eyes? The vast universes of possibilities leaping from neuron to neuron behind those irises?

Wonderful memories. Pleasant memories. You couldn’t ask for anything better than these kind of memories. But there’s more. And there’s a reason why they’re just memories.

I remember the way the blood drained from my face like your used bath water circled the drain in my bathtub, and how my heart went on strike and stopped beating when you told me we couldn’t be together.

I remember how similar the crunch of the leaves and twigs under our booted feet sounded to the cracking and shattering of my sanity as you drove away on that sombre day.

I remember all of the dreams my brain pumped out of its pitiful pineal gland in a futile attempt to travel back in time.

I remember the empty spot in my bed and the gaping and gushing hole in my heart that still exists
To
This
Day.

But for all of these melancholy memories, these rotten ruminations, the beast of anger has yet to rear its matted mane.

In fact,

I thank you.

I thank you for this sadness, this regret, this longing, and this acute absence of rage,

For it is proof that I am alive.

I thank you for this sorrow, for this awful ammunition, for inspiration to machine masterpieces from the melancholy.

For what is light without darkness?

What is life without death, and love without loss?

So thank you.

I look back on our shared seconds not with eyes full of misplaced malice and fury,

But with gratitude.

Because even through tragedy

The heart survives.

Seconds seem like ages,
But hours are so short.

Time passes slowly
But it all ends so fast

Hearts beat,
Leaves fall.

Wind blows
Shivers run.

Heart stops
Tears fall

Memories left
A ghost to recall.

Her wild tangled hair,
wearing a halo of  evening sunlight
like a majestic crown,
goes haywire,
when a sudden guest of wind,
in the manner of a ***** lover
play with it,
in every which way
one can imagine.
Waves of scent,
of freshly cut lemongrass,
emanating from her auburn tresses,
light wild fire
in his thoughts,
as they go down the hill,
through the narrow path
lined with trees full of roosting birds,
to the clearing in the forest
where stands
the lone hunters' lodge
where they'd spend the night.

That smile
That stupid smile
That **** eating grin of yours
Beautiful pearly rounded chompers
Okay, so maybe they are a little yellow
Who’s aren’t?
When one has smoked filterless filters for the last 10 years
What does one expect?

It’s exquisite really.
It brings me to the ground
Mostly from the weak knees that it incites
Nostalgia doesn’t even begin to describe
I’ve seen it in my dreams
It’s been with me for the last decade
It’s something that I will never be able to forget

The largest mouth I ever done seent
3 ounces of liquids in one easy swallow
I could put my foot in there
And there would still be room

Belches and burps
Curses and yells
Loud laughs
Sweet whimpers
All the things that are expelled

Every time a smile appears
A smug smirk
A gushing grin
I smile back
Despite my anger
Or fears
It doesn’t seem to matter how upset you make me
I smile back

The history we share is complex
Predating all the things
All the peoples
All the events
All the places
Spanning such far distances
In space, place, and time

And here we are.
How long have I known that bittersweet smile?
A better question is how long I will continue to be graced with it.
Even if that is shorter than I hope
I’ll still remember.
It’s something I can never forget.

CHEESE!

I am stretching to the sky,
Learning how to become
Closer to the sun.

I am within the boundaries
Of life on this calm piece
Of earth and peace.

I am in perfect harmony,
Carefully providing
Shade and shelter.

I am a tree,
And I will never stop
Becoming better

I am a tree,
And I will always grow
Closer to the sun.

© 3/10/13

Numbness, Fright
Then delight

                                                                            Of course I remember...
How could I forget?
                                                                             Lonely, of course...
How could I not be?
                                                                             Move a little closer.
Step far away, leave me while you still can.
                                                                             Don't ever leave me.
Is this really what should happen?
                                                                              I need you right now.
I'm not betraying you.
                                                                              Calm down, I'm here.
When have I not?
                                                                               Do you really feel that way?
It's the same for me.
                                                                               I don't know if that would really be the best thing.
Is there nothing else that matters?
                                                                               I've missed you.
I've spent every moment thinking about you.
                                                                               Fine... I feel the same way.
More than you will ever know.
                                                                               Are you sure?
This is exactly what I wanted.
                                                                               She'll be so mad!        
So this is who I'll trust in that manner...
                                                                               I'm serious. Listen.
If you only knew the effect you had on me.
                                                                               She won't forgive us.
As if that really matters to me right now.
                                                                               I'm so sorry.
No, don't give into what I'm saying!
                                                                               Wait!
Come back. Come closer.
                                                                                I don't care anymore.
Your lips are so warm.
                                                                                Look at the trap we're putting ourselves in.
Once we get into this, you won't escape me.
                                                                                If only she hadn't made you promise.
You won't be able to escape!
                                                                                May I kiss you more?
You really won't! I care for your welfare.
                                                                                I'm sorry, my tears are salty.
I'll throw it all away for this moment
                                                                                I've been waiting for you all this time.
Never leave me again.
                                                                                I've been broken inside since what happened with HIM.
You take my breath away.
                                                                                Thank you.
I really hope she won't barge in.
                                                                                Someone's coming.
Speak of the devil, and she will appear.
                                                                                Perhaps you should leave.
NO! Don't go! Let's face her together, as one!
                                                                                I might become my alternate self again.
At least you'll be safe if you leave.
                                                                                Go now, she's almost here!

You're gone.



I'm glad I didn't tell you that you may never see me again.


© 3/16/13

Today I caught you staring.

At me I hoped, but then she spoke
To the class, and I watched your
Face change and I knew.

                                                            You smiled at her the same way
                                                            That you sometimes smile at me. The
                                                            Color drained slowly from my face as
                                                             I realized how inferior I was.

She hunts, wears stylish clothes,
And has enough money and much
To spare. She's sweet, funny, and
Quite brilliant. I respect her.

                                                              I don't have many clothes. Money is
                                                              Carefully sectioned and cared for
                                                              Because there's barely enough to use
                                                              For wanted things rather than needed.

She has developed an organized,
Clear life. My life is chaotic. I know
I love you from afar, but I hoped that
You had realized our chemistry.

                                                             You were gone Friday. You showed up last
                                                             Period on Monday. I thought it was okay
                                                             To miss you a little bit, that it wasn't a big
                                                             Deal. I realized when you came back I was wrong.

Shivers ran down my spine as
You walked through the door,
Late. You passed my seat normally
But I couldn't get enough air.

                                                             Your friends clapped you on the back,
                                                             Calling your name and drawing your
                                                             Perfect smile. Then they said something
                                                             Shocking- "Happy Birthday!"

In my mind, I painfully smiled
And wished you the best birthday
Even though I knew I wouldn't
Be able to tell you to your face.

                                                              I know you probably don't realize, and
                                                              That I may be unqualified. But you still
                                                              Held the door open with a smile, and I
                                                              Could barely mutter, "Thank you."

As I walked behind you, I wanted
To reach out and ruffle your curly
Hair, then laugh as you turned to me,
Shocked. I wished we could play.

                                                              Instead, I just watched you walk
                                                              The way you always do, and smiled behind
                                                              Your back as you placed your feet with
                                                              Runner's precision, even as I shuffled.

As I moved past you with my
Longer strides, I smiled as I always
Do, with everyone. But perhaps
You caught the undertone of "Happy Birthday."

                                                              But today I came late, and you didn't
                                                              Seem the same as you always did, though
                                                              You talked to me on class-related business,
                                                              Which, even though simple, was enough for me.

But then I caught you looking at
Her. My slight Inferiority Complex
Hit with force, and my hopes were
Dashed to the side. I broke inside.
                                      
                                                               I hope in a couple of years, even if you're
                                                               Interested in her, you'll take me on a
                                                               Date, as friends; nothing serious. That will
                                                               be enough for me, even if it's not my desire.



--
Other thought:
You play the trumpet, and can't sing.
I sing with full heart and care, with my
Often-used, experienced voice. I wish
That someday we could make music together.
--


                                                             This is an ill-formed poem, filled with
                                                             Inconsistency and raw feelings, with
                                                             No revision. But I hope that if/when I
                                                             Show these to you, you'll understand.
                                          &nbsp