My mind is drained
looking for a way
to be less used
like the back side
of the page.

You don’t know what it’s like, to live in the world I live in
One where a simple smile can be seen by millions in a matter of minutes
One where the pressure to succeed exceeds the pressure to be yourself
One where sitting in silence is better than standing and speaking for what you believe in
One where material things are used to veneer true beauty
One where talking face to face means Facetiming from two different places
One where having a simple family dinner has nearly disappeared
One where meaningful relationships mean “I can’t take this ****!”
One where you walk around with headphones in because you dread those who say hi on the street
One where money is said to buy happiness
One where doing what you love means putting others down so you can rise above…
You don’t know what it’s like…

How can you expect us to be successful when doing so is so incredibly stressful
To live in the world I live in, its cooler to live like the stars we envy than it is to do well in school or live like a leader who believes in something
While technology  has its beneficial assets, like making communicating easier
It also has its artificial backsets….
I can go on facebook and create a phony profile and become a petty ******* who attracts many women and sometimes even a child… and no one would even notice
Our generation is beings deluded by the truth
And its easy to believe a deluded truth if you don’t stand for something.

You don’t know what its like, to live in the world I live in
One where time is everywhere and it flies right by you
One where its easier to sit and complain about something in vein than it is to get up and make a change, I’m just saying
One where asking for help when you need it really means letting your voice become squelched
One where girls flaunt their body just for some attention
And guys act hard to show their worth instead of acting real and showing when they hurt
One where having games doesn’t mean you’re athletic, it means you’re good at hooking up with random girls… and honestly, I find that pathetic
One where looking like a stick means thinking you’re fat, even if you’re just a bit thick
One where it takes 3 weeks to say “I love you” and two weeks to dump you
One where the ones who love you aren’t the ones you trust, and the ones you trust aren’t the ones who love you
One where having 1000 friends online is more important than having 2 true friends who want to see you shine
One where going to a social event means getting wasted out of your mind is having a good time
One where a belief in the end of humanity is creating insanity, and quite frankly, THAT’S whats going to cause this calamity

I’m not trying to seem to pessimistic here
I’m just saying, it’s not as easy growing up in this world as you think
While there are a plethora of things that make this world better
There are just as many things we can do better to make the place we live great
You cant take all the evil in the world at one time and defeat it, you just gotta see theres room for change, look in the mirror, and believe you can be it

I don't relate to
any of this anymore.
Buildings rip the sky
blocking out the light
of stellar smiles.
If I look out I can only
see for a few feet
not miles and miles.
I've worn out the soles
of my shoes
walking the streets
that sandpaper my soul.
I don't connect to
any of it anymore.
The lights on all night
pretending to be extra-
terrestrial
or the stacks of ads
that blockade my mail
But there aren't
any letters for me anyway
cause I don't relate to this
anymore.

BEHIND HER HAZEL EYES                    
Somebody once told me that you could fit your life in a shoebox and I laughed at the thought of it.  
I was the youngest of six kids and I was favored by all of my siblings beside Natalie but she is a different story.
I grew up in a abusive home I would come home to see my dad beating my Mom until she couldn’t breath or get up.
I always watched it happen wishing that I did something about it but I was about ten and what could I do. There was a time my mom came home really late. I was asleep on the couch and Natalie was on the other one.
I heard my dad get up and come down stairs; I heard the front door open and close.
Then I heard my sister Melissa yelling at my Dad to leave our mom alone but He wouldn’t. My two sisters Melissa and Felicity were with my mom when she hit the deer and that is what my dad was so mad about. I got up ran to the door and I saw him and my mom. He had my mom up against the car, choking her out. I grabbed a stick and hit him on the back hard enough to make him let go of my mom.
He and I battled for whom had control of the stick he grabbed it out of my hands and pushed me on the ground and it knocked the wind out of me. It hurt but I got used to it over the years. I got up and I saw him looking from my mom to me. He wacked me across the face hard, I tasted blood and spit it out. I looked at him and said “ you are nothing but a coward, taking your anger out on your own children. You’re pathetic and dumb. Do you not see none of us want you here, Get lost I don’t want to see your face anymore”.
He had a hurt look on his face and looked at my mom. She was cowering in a corner.
She just said “You heard her Will just don’t come back”!
From that moment on I turned from an innocent little girl to a young woman who took care of her family and became the protector.  I have been in many struggles on my life path. I had to grown up and learn to face the life that shouldn’t have been put on anyone. I protected my best friend from being rapped. I told her to run and don’t look back and she did what I said. I remember the hands around my throat and getting slammed against the walls and the blood spewing from my nose. I fought hard knowing my life was at stake. I got quite a few punches and what not at the man. He let me go after a while and I ran I found Caddie at the park, waiting for me and she was bawling her eyes out when she look and saw me. She said, “Oh My God I thought you weren’t coming back, Jaylyn and you look like hell got a hold of you”.
I hugged her and started crying she knew she couldn’t ever repay me for what happened but she took me to the bathroom and cleaned up the blood that was smeared on my face. I knew she was thankful for me.
Caddie said to me “Jaylyn, you are a fighter”
When I heard this I thought it was funny at first but as I grew older. The message became clearer. On March 13, 2008 my sisters and I went in to foster care. I was scared and I was close to my mom. I lost her then. But Natalie and I were went to our 1st foster care home together and we were there for six months but the thing was they didn’t like me but they liked Natalie. I was scared and lonely. I wanted to leave cause they treated me like I was nothing and Natalie wanted to go with me and then she had wanted to stay with our first foster parents but to then she didn’t so we left and went in to another foster home and we were there for three years and I hated them and they treated me liked dirt and they did the same with Natalie but Natalie left before I did. They treated me more like crap and I hated them even more to the point to where I started cutting, drinking, and smoking. Anything that would harm my body.  It worked for a while but then it got worst and the drinking got a lot worse. I knew I had lost my way but I finally told my old school counselor. She and my friends became the only one I could trust. Ms. Lopez helped me get out of Bert and Anne’s House. I met this crazy black girl named Tanah and her foster mom.
She was excited to have me come there. I decided her and foster Mom would do.
From the First day I moved in Tanah and I were inseparable and still are a points she and take breaks but you can’t see one of us with out the other. Tanah helped me grow in a lot of ways it’s been six months since we have known each other but it feels like years.
But that is some of my story I don’t want to keep you reading forever
For all my life I knew I was a Fighter and always will be.
I guess you can fit your life in a shoebox if you want to try I say go for it there isn’t anyone trying to stop you from trying.