I've been smiling a lot lately,
laughing more than ever
taking in all my surroundings.

For the first time in a long time
I am confident in myself again
and I am surrounded once again
by beautiful people who actually care
about my happiness and my well-being.

For the first time in a long time
I do not fear sharing my secrets because
I know that I can trust these people with
the world itself if it were entrusted to me
or if it were mine to give away.

For the first time in a long time I
am truly, completely and wonderfully happy.
And it's been a long time since
I've gotten what I wanted
but for the first time in a long time
I'm getting what I need and that's even better.

And as I sit here in the dark,
I unwrap another piece of chocolate
and I think to myself with a smile:

I don't deserve all this happiness,
but I will gladly accept it anyway.

Sometimes it is just too easy to quit.
Sometimes it is just too hard to keep going.
Sometimes I don't care.
Sometimes I care too much.

The pain is inside,
The pain is outside.
Sometimes I just want it to stop.
Sometimes I think about stopping it.

Then you show up.
You either call or come over ....and I have no choice.
I have to stay here.
I have to keep going.
I have to keep feeling.

Why do you tie me to this world?
Why do you care so much, whether I'm here or not?
Why do I have to care so much for you?
Why can't I just rest, sleep, find peace?

The joy of having you in my life is all that saves me.
The joy of having you in my heart is all that keeps me going.
I am tied to this life because of you.
We belong, here and now.

I fight the darkness with everything I am,
Because I know I have to if I want to survive.
I want to survive because you have shown me what Love is.
You have shown me that the Light is my Salvation.

The doors we opened together have changed me.
I still want to sleep - find peace,
But I know that I will be able to do that only when I am free.
I will not be free until I finish the work set before me.

You will not let me go.
You say it is because you love me.
I love you so much it hurts.
That is why I set you free.

My advice to you?
Run, don't walk, to your nearest exit.
That way, you won't see the end....and I won't feel the guilt.
As long as you stay, I can't leave.
As long as I stay, there is pain.

Run.
I am.

How I wish I was the cigarette
that brings you back down easy
pressed between your soft lips

How I wish I was the sheets
that keep you warm and safe at night
wrapped around your delicate frame

How I wish I was the guitar
that sings familiar to you each night
caressed by your gentle hands

How I wish I was the book
that spoke understanding to you across time
gazed upon intently by your longing eyes

I believe I was the poem
that you created in your sorrow
crumpled up and thrown away

...were you ashamed?

She

I'm waiting for the man I hope to wed.
I've never seen him - that's the funny part.
I promised I would wear a rose of red,
Pinned on my coat above my fluttered heart,
So that he'd know me - a precaution wise,
Because I wrote him I was twenty-three,
And Oh such heaps and heaps of silly lies. . .
So when we meet what will he think of me?

It's funny, but it has its sorry side;
I put an advert. in the evening Press:
"A lonely maiden fain would be a bride."
Oh it was shameless of me, I confess.
But I am thirty-nine and in despair,
Wanting a home and children ere too late,
And I forget I'm no more young and fair -
I'll hide my rose and run...No, no, I'll wait.

An hour has passed and I am waiting still.
I ought to feel relieved, but I'm so sad.
I would have liked to see him, just to thrill,
And sigh and say: "There goes my lovely lad!
My one romance!" Ah, Life's malign mishap!
"Garcon, a cafè creme." I'll stay till nine. . .
The cafè's empty, just an oldish chap
Who's sitting at the table next to mine. . .

He

I'm waiting for the girl I mean to wed.
She was to come at eight and now it's nine.
She'd pin upon her coat a rose of red,
And I would wear a marguerite in mine.
No sign of her I see...It's true my eyes
Need stronger glasses than the ones I wear,
But Oh I feel my heart would recognize
Her face without the rose - she is so fair.

Ah! what deceivers are we aging men!
What vanity keeps youthful hope aglow!
Poor girl! I sent a photo taken when
I was a student, twenty years ago.
(Hers is so Springlike, Oh so blossom sweet!)
How she will shudder when she sees me now!
I think I'd better hide that marguerite -
How can I age and ugliness avow?

She does not come. It's after nine o'clock.
What fools we fogeys are! I'll try to laugh;
(Garcon, you might bring me another bock)
Falling in love, just from a photograph.
Well, that's the end. I'll go home and forget,
Then realizing I am over ripe
I'll throw away this silly cigarette
And philosophically light my pipe.

* * * * *

The waiter brought the coffee and the beer,
And there they sat, so woe-begone a pair,
And seemed to think: "Why do we linger here?"
When suddenly they turned, to start and stare.
She spied a marguerite, he glimpsed a rose;
Their eyes were joined and in a flash they knew. . .
The sleepy waiter saw, when time to close,
The sweet romance of those deceiving two,
Whose lips were joined, their hearts, their future too.

I've fallen so deeply in like.

I barely know you,

but your smile,

and the way you make me laugh,

and the way we talk awkwardly,

always.

And the fact that you make me forget about everyone else.

I dont know what to do.

It's funny,
Never being enough.
I look in the mirror and
Laugh.
Ew, I hate my
Legs
Stomach
Throat
So much I could just
Glide a knife and slit
It right off.
Maybe if I go
Far enough I won't
Feel a thing.
But the sad part is
I feel too much.
I would stop eating but
I don't have enough willpower.
I would put a knife to my wrist but
I'm trying to be strong for y'all.
I would put a gun to my head and pull the trigger but
I'm not ready to go.

I'm yearning for your
Lips right now;
To be pushed up against
Mine.
I'm yearning for your
Lips right now;
To be kissing up and down my
Spine.

Still trying to
Understand
Why.
Why?
Why do you look at me
With those eyes?
So green yet
So blue.
So perfect and
*so you.

Why do I want you so much but
I'm constantly hating myself for it?

I'm exhausted,
My mind keeps running
Round and round
And it never stops
To take a rest
And think of you
In a good way.