As I Looked Into Your Eyes,
I Pretended It Didn't Hurt,
So Familiar They Traced The Scars,
Along My Rigid, Empty Heart

Butterflies Flutter In The Bottom Of My Gut,
As My Soul Hungers For The Ripe Taste Of Home,
My Fingers Clutching Onto The Memories,
Of Shooting Stars Bouncing Of The Mesosphere,
Of A Mother Doe Feeding Her Young At Dawn,
Of Bees Feeding Off Of The Lilac's Rich Nectar,
Of The Sky So Blue Smiling At Me,
I Am So Close--Only A Few More Hours Until,
I Escape And Go Back To My Home,*
Home Sweet Home

I waited so long,
Eventually I got sick
I got sick of talking to myself.
I got sick of waiting,
I got sick of missing her.
I just started getting angry instead.
Angry.
Angry at myself
Angry for thinking
"she was so important."
Angry at her
for transforming
so
quickly
transforming into something
so unlike the
‘real'
her
that I had grown to love.
-
I wondered if i’d ever really met the
‘real’
her.
-
Friendship like a tree,
needs watering,
and she left me in drought.
Without apology,
without any sign of remorse or regret.
-
She
just
left.

N.H.

Have you seen it?
This seething,
teeming mass of maggots.
Climbing and crawling,
calling and clawing.
Just to try and reach the top,
Of some disgusting
worthless
pyramid.
To become king,
King of the filth
-
So herd-like
So insect-like
-
Like a putrid swarm
of approval seeking locusts.
Eating, using
Owning and destroying
Everything they can find.|
-
A virus
A parasite
Clinging desperately to a dying host.
-
These ancient sand-cultists
would have us die here
Starving, thirsty and cold.
But with
unification
and
order
We could set our sights
upon the stars.

N.H.

I sit,
I sit in silence and wait.
I wait for the knock on the door.
In the dead of the night,
I wait for the tap.
That welcome tap,
tapping on cold wood.
-
Tap,
tap,
tap.
-
And I arise,
I open the door, in the dead of the night.
And it is you, Standing before me.
And there is quiet space standing between us.
Trembling and unsure,
with eyes locked into mine.
A thin night-dress hangs loosely from your shoulders,
Your skin is ice cold, your eyes starving,
Your ears thirsting for an encouraging whisper.
My hands are warm, my eyes fill yours,
My whispers quench your thirst.
-
No matter the reason,
whatever the reason,
you need to be here.
Nightmares or Doubt,
Regret or Guilt,
Love or Passion.
I'd usher you in,
Embracing you with
warmth and security.
You'd keep a close pace
with my breath,
and my heart.
And feel home.
-
I sit,
I sit in silence and wait.
I wait for the knock on the door.

N.H.

Sometimes,
I stare at the stars.
It's almost like some kind of event for me,
A recurring celebration or memorial.
A birthday, christmas or halloween.
"Starday."
-
Someone once said,
"What if it was a just a ceiling,
And the stars were just lightbulbs."
And I laughed at the idea.
A real laugh.
A child's laugh.
-
I used to sit outside,
on the cold, wet, grass,
in the middle of the night.
I'd ***** my head to the heavens and just watch.
Obsidian.
An ocean of black,
lined with burning jewels, winking back at me.
I figured,
explorers had already mapped and navigated all the others.
There was but one ocean left.
-
Sometimes I'd imagine
that a spaceship would open up the sky,
Drifting down on a wave of fire and light.
And they would pick me up,
They'd pick me up and steal me away.
They'd say,
"We heard your prayers."
And I'd say,
"Finally."

N.H.

Your pale grass colored eyes flickered towards me in the passenger seat;
cigarette out the window
I stare at my ruby colored lips in the side view mirror
You drum your fingers on the wheel to Blue Bossonova
I remember the dream catcher hanging from the mirror catching my eye;
a majestic golden hue from the sunlight reflecting off of it.

We weren't supposed to be driving the car,
We both knew this, but we were rebels
So I had climbed out my window without my parents knowing
ripping my jeans in the process
just to be with you.

Had I known it would be the last time I'd touch you;
Had I known it would be the last time I'd kiss your lips
I would have stayed in my bed
The Shins blaring through my headphones
Thinking about all the things I'm going to do with you

Had I known it would be the last time seeing you smile
The last time hearing you breathe
Hearing you talk
     Touching your skin
I would have obeyed my parents rules for once.

Instead of staring at your pretty green eyes
I stare at the pretty headlights coming our way
I feel the car swerve to the left;
the dream catcher falling
The car spinning like a dradle in the air
It was like everything were in slowmotion
As I look over at you in horror
your pale green eyes flicker away from mine
closing as if to say
"I'm sorry."
The car comes to a hault.
You were motionless as we were upside down
Tears fall down my ****** cheeks
I scream at you to wake up;
but you wouldn't
Then I stopped wasting my breath
I stopped
Like your heart

Had I known it would be the last time I'd touch you;
Had I known it would be the last time I'd kiss your lips
I would have stayed in my bed
The Shins blaring in my headphones
because now I'm fantasying about all the things we could have done

About all the things we could have said
like
"You're paying for the electrical bill this time."
or
"I do."
Now I'm stuck listening to Blue Bossonova
blaring in my headphones
thinking about all the things I'd have to do without you

Had I known