when i say that im not pretty
i really mean it
i've never actually look in the mirror
and think i look pretty

my lips look too big
my eyes too small
my jaw too soft
my nose just not right

i don't mean to be that girl
i don't mean to fish for compliments
i just want someone to tell me im pretty
so i know what i think is just me

i love both my parents
but i prefer spending time with just my dad

he lets me do what i want
he very rarely says no
he does threaten to beat me for looking at him funny
but we can move past that

my mom says no to nearly everything
she criticizes and nitpicks everything i do
she makes me feel like im constantly in the wrong
it's like i have no freedom when she's around

shows my priorities, huh?
that i'd much rather be beaten then trapped

an•thro•po•pho•bia (n)
the fear of rejection

example: i have about 20 different personalities, none of them my real one, made for different people
i don't really know who i actually am anymore, but if someone were to not like me i might **** myself on the spot

cause: learned behavior

i'm the oldest daughter
that means getting love and validation from my family is transactional

my mother is proud of me
she thinks i'm an amazingly talented person
until my grades drop
now i'm sad

my father loves me
he calls me his twin
until i start acting my age
now im weird

my sister looks up to me
she wants to be just like me
until i try to be myself
now im embarrassing her

my other sister likes to be around me
i'm her best friend
until i stand up to her
now im a bully

i'm the oldest daughter
i'm the greatest person in the world
until i'm not

i've been clean for a month
because my box cutter is on the moving truck

i'm back in baltimore
but im not home
not really

everything's normal for two weeks
except it's not

i texted three friends to see if they wanted to hang out while i was back
only one responded
said she was going to be in connecticut

i wanna ask more people
but i dont wanna sound desperate

tell me i dont sound desperate

"i read something about a lesbian who had to leave because she didn't feel safe, so be careful"
she remembers!

"let me be your wingman, i'm gonna get you a girlfriend"
she remembers

"why don't you have a girlfriend yet?"
she remembers...

"we remembered you saying it, we just thought you were joking"
they... always remembered

A shovel in one hand, a seed in another,
I know it'll be a flower, not anything other.
Though, you ask me what it is I think I'll see,
"A flower.", and you say "How can that be?".

I know what I'm planting; but you question it so,
If you're not the one planting it how would you know?
You say I'm wrong about what it'll grow into,
You keep implying and I start to think it may be true.

I no longer show you any of the flowers I grow,
When I did, you refused to see what I showed.
I'll keep them a secret, mine from now on,
It's no longer your place to tell me what I plant is "wrong".