And I believe I did something extraordinary today. I smiled at him. I saw him in the hallway and I smiled at him. He didn't smile back, in fact, he looked away. Almost as if he was so consumed with shame, that by looking at me would make it pour out from his unforgivable heart. But the thing about is that I've forgiven him and her and the whole situation. I still can't look at her, but I'm getting to that point. It'll probably take awhile, but that's okay. I'm not on anybody's schedule except my own and I will take as long as I need to heal from this. Maybe it will take a few more days or maybe it'll take a few months. But I will not let you take me down, so that you could feel better. I did something extraordinary today and maybe it won't seem like it to anyone else, but to me it was a step towards a new life. A better life.

he is the calm before the storm
and he is the eye of a hurricane.
while rushing winds roar all around me,
he is what keeps me steady and
on my feet amongst the
ferocious times around.
he is the sweet calmness
and you can tell by
the way his fingers
grab my sides sweetly
and his mouth travels d
                                          o
                                            w
                                               n
to places undiscovered
that he knows how to
appreciate and touch a
woman's body.

you kissed with such a mix of
tenderness and hunger that it
made me wonder how someone so
strong could suddenly be so
vulnerable and gentle.

and i know i said yes,
but i'm starting to think that
no would've been the correct answer.

You're lucky, at least you have someone. Most of us have no one at all.

and in our very essence, we are very good.
It is a heresy to believe otherwise.

and I wonder if you feel it too.

Everything is just a great big
"I don't know!"
Right now.

I woke up feeling fresh and renewed, because I know He has a plan for me.

The Stars talk to me from behind the clouds, but they only tell me bad things now.

and even on my weakest days im still getting stronger.

And you did something to me. You put the blood back into my veins and you made me feel again.

He said, "let it go, scream it if you have to, here you're safe with me." But your hands remind me of an engulfing flame and I'm not ready to burn.

Am I selfish for wanting to take care of myself more than anyone else right now?

and I know that as soon as she gets here, I will fall into her arms and weep.

and I do not belong in this body, at least not most of the time.

you're the only thing in my life that feels truly right, right now.
i just hope I'm not wrong and
everything goes wrong
again.

I will not let my sadness get the best of me. *I will win again.

and I think my time on this earth has run its course as well

And today I felt alive.
Like really alive.
Like everything was going to be okay,
Because it will be okay.

and how could someone so beautiful be so ugly?

How?

the walls are caving in,
the house is falling.
im trapped under the rubble and
i can't get up.

We all start from the bottom.
But now I'm slowly relearning how to climb back to the top.

i have not seen you today-
nor yesterday-
nor the day before that-
and so on.
i have not seen you in several days and
yet i can not stop thinking about your voice.
i hear you in books
and the way the rain falls on my lips
and with every step i take through a puddle--
i hear your muddled voice praying through the hot summer
for me to stay alive just one more day.

you did not know wether i would stay or if i would go.
but, if i were to tell you that i only stayed for you,
would you have loved me back in time?

maybe all of those prayers were wishes
and those wishes were thoughts
and those thoughts were nothing.

I feel like I bother you, but I just can't stay away.

if it would've been summer then things would've been easier

i walked into his room
asked if he had a minute to spare
he smiled and said of course
and then suddenly,
i got really nervous.
i started giggling all weirdly and
he started chuckling and asking, "what? what? whats
up?" and i said, "i have a game tonight and i can't play in it,
you should come and watch, you know, to uhh...
support us or something." and he laughed,
asked what time the game was at and said,
"ill be able to make it!" and i smiled so wide,
and i left while saying, "see you later and thank you!"
and he slowly said, "goodbye... goodbye..." all sadly.

don't be sad, i will see you later. we can talk in the stands
and watch the game together.

mhm...
you make my widest dreams come true one day at a time sweetheart.

i still continue to fall to my knees for you, even though i know you won't be there to help me up.

and there are times when it seems like things are falling apart, when really they are just falling into place.

And maybe it's a bad decision, but also, maybe it's a good one.

you're not an idiot
you're just not the person I thought you were

looking and saying are very different things
you may be able to do one, but certainly not the other

and as I look through this book, I realize just how lovely you truly are through the scribbled mess you have left on the pages within.

and despite your faults, I fall more and more for you every single day.

i want to deconstruct everything i have always known about myself in hopes that ill find something worth saving

please don't tell me i ruined this too

i only trust a few. not you, not you, and most certainly not you.

i just want him to dance with me, all throughout the night.
to tell me that I'm lovely, and that I'm worth the fight.

and I am grateful for you, I truly am.

And if you're not willing to stay, then just leave now.

and to think that i once loved so passionately. i once did, i once did.

and it was when we were starting to lose each other that I started to find myself.

I remember saying how I just wanted to become the best possible version of myself and I remember being that person about a year ago and then I ruined it, but I had started to pick myself up and put myself back together and then God gave me you and it was like I was that person again, I was starting to become, once again, the best possible version of myself. I had missed the smiles that surfaced on my face during those times and how it felt to be so full and so happy and content and even with the darkness surrounding me, it didn't matter due to how wonderful everything was even with everything else going on. God, do I miss you and that and the way you made me feel like I was going to be something amazing. But I guess it's just time for me to learn how to be that version of myself without someone else by my side. Maybe it's time to be completely alone for awhile.

he just wants to get away from himself, my sweet boy craves the world.

I found a picture I drew of you today.
And then Paul McCartney came on the radio.
What a coincidence.

I never was the best dancer, but with you I felt like I could've been.

and I find it funny that I didn't notice that you blocked me until he asked me if I had checked on you lately. I haven't.

just let me kiss you again, let me show you why I'm the girl for you.

I knew your disappearance would change me; but now its time to ground myself again, to come back down to Earth.

And everything would be easier if I were dead.
But as for it being better?
Well, maybe even that, too.