I think I'm fine
With being who I am.
lesbian!
I'm scared someone will shout.
But, even if they do
I'll keep my head high
Because I've been through too
Much
To let something so
Small
Bring me

                 Down.

I want to say what
I've been through but
I'll just end up
In tears.

I noticed you
                        Haven't said sorry.

You cannot look at me
and I guess it is only fair.
I did call you a narcissistic
******* and I don't know,
the things you say make me
think of things my parents say
to me so it is only rightful of me
to automatically see that in you as well.

But you can be so wonderful.
You always say sweet words to me
and honestly I haven't felt a real love
like this in a long, long while.
Not sure where this is going,
or where we are going,
but I just want you to know that I
love you so much and I am
truly sorry.

He's called me by so many names.
rach
rachel
R
honey
sweetheart
dear
darling
­babe
sweety
love
And many others that just
Roll around in my mind
All. Day. Long.

They are names he shouldn't
Call me but he does because
He loves me.

But, sweetheart, in what way do you
Mean to say you love me?
In what way do you desire me
To be with you?
This question burns the very part of
My soul that I can't seem to
Repair.

Oh Ashley,
You care so dearly for me.
Why?
What's so improtant about
Me?
Why should you care if
Blood pours out of me?
Why should you care if
My dad doesn't visit me?
Why should you care if
I **** myself?

Living is alot to ask for and
I'm sick of asking.
You pay alot of debts and
Fall in and out of love
Who wants that?
That feeling of a constant downward

                  s
p
      i
          r
a
               l
that never ends?
Who wants to feel so
Alone
And
Dead
And
Useless?

I'm scared of death sometimes.
But I'm not afraid to wish for it.

My thoughts at night are
Frightening.
I see different ways to end my life and
I actually almost did.
At least in my dreams,
Not in real life.

I hate falling and
I'm afraid of heights.

Why isn't the people I love
Willing to catch me?

There's a feeling I get when I look to the west,
And my spirit is crying for leaving.

she looked up at the sky

not knowing which stars where

reaching her were already

dead or burning brighter than ever she

realized that marrying the stars can be

risky business but its better to be

made out of stardust than to be

known as a

loser.

"It almost feels like a joke to play out a part
When you are not the starring role in someone else's heart
You know I'd rather walk alone, than play a supporting role."

lets be a star;
lets fuse like
hydrogen and
make helium,
lets become dense
and be something
beautiful.

but we shouldn't
become to dense,
we might blow up
if we do.


and that wouldn't be okay,
now would it?

I have a notebook I
Write in everyday.
Poetry and songs
Even your name
Somehow gets twisted in
The words I write.

What will it take for you to
notice me?

been scared and battered.
My hopes the wind done scattered.
Snow has friz me,
Sun has baked me,

Looks like between 'em they done
Tried to make me

Stop laughin', stop lovin', stop livin'--
But I don't care!
I'm still here!

I'm so in love
I'm still in love

I've never been in love quite before
until I saw your face
and watching stars without you
my soul cries
my hething heart
is full of pain
when we're apart
the aching

I'm kissing you
I'm kissing you

You're my father
you're my soldier
you protect me, boy you save me
you're my best friend
you're my husband
you are my doctor, counselor,
provider, professor, my everything

And I love you, I love you, I love you, yes I love you
I need you, I need you, I need you, I can't live without you
I trust you, I trust you, with every ounce of me
Just teach me, boy teach me, just take me

When we make love I can feel all your spirits
deep inside of me
Baby you're so pure

I'm Kissing you forever, and ever, and ever
I love Kissing you (kissing you, kissing you)

Boy I love everything about you baby
it's been so many years since we fell in love
we got something special baby
we can cry together
we can grow together
be ourselves together
and I love you more than music
yes I love you more than music

I rather be kissing you, oh
I'm kissing you oh (kissing you, kissing you)

Stop telling me I'm gorgeous,
I'm nothing.
Stop telling me im pretty,
I'm fat.
It's unhealthy,
My weight,
My feelings are slowly
Deminishing...

I'm falling to deep
I would cry for help
But
Nobody would hear me anyways.

The sudden scent of strawberries around me reminds me of you.
I had never actually tried a strawberry until you came along, and I realized they aren't so bad.
I hate missing you, because suddenly memories like this comes back to my mind.
Whenever I tried it, you smiled widely.
We were at your house and you put sugar all over it, because you loved them like that.
I remember how sweet you looked, and just how sweet you tasted.
I do not think I'll ever forget that, because every time I eat strawberries now, I am reminded.

"I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection."

I've been stupid lately.
I do dumb things and I
Act dumb.
That's just me
But sometimes
It's uncontrollable and I
Feel bad.
You deserve to be treated better and
It's obvious that I need to work on
That.
Sorry bubs,
I will try harder.

there once was a girl
who was an artist, but
here's the twist
a razor was her paintbrush
and the canvas was her
wrist.

"Ugly" "Fat" "Worthless"
they were written
word for word
nobody thought otherwise
after-all, that girl is so
happy, that'd be
absurd.

one night it was raining
and the thoughts became
to much
she reached for her
blades and blood
poured out with just
one touch.

the next morning her
parents found her,
it was an "accident"
they would say.
because after-all,
whould'a thought that
their happy daughter
wasn't okay?

She fought endlessly for
her life, but it
was all to much to
handle
little did she know that
she'd be one of many in
this suicide
scandal.

You remind me of the sunset
You come up
In my windows
Shining so bright
Then you fall back
Down
Right back into the night.

We end our day up on the roof
I say I'll jump, I never do
But when I'm drunk I act a fool
Talking 'bout , do they sew wings on tailored suits
I'm on that ledge, she grabs my arm
She slaps my head
It's good times, yeah
Sleeve rips off, I slip, I fall
The market's down like 60 stories
And some don't end the way they should
My silver spoon has fed me good
A million one, a million cash
Close my eyes and feel the crash

He bought these sweetart twist things at the movies last night.
He and I sat by each other and laughed at the movie we had to attend,
And I refrained from holding his hand or getting too close.
I thought it was sweet when he offered me a candy.
I took one from the bag, and electricity passed through my body when our fingers touch.
I doubt he noticed.
But, as I took a bite, I felt like I had to puke.
I looked around and wondered what would make me think of you right now.
He looks nor acts nor smells nothing like you.
What was it?
And then it hit me.
In my shaking hands I was holding sweetarts,
Which you absolutely loved.
While they may not have been the regular ones,
They still tasted like them and still somehow reminded me of you.
I tried to keep as calm as possible,
I couldn't let this ruin such a great night that I'd been having.
So, I finished off the candy,
And I made sure to not touch them again.

I've seen you sleep;
Your breaths are
Sweet.

I hope you can
Remember how I feel
For you.

Your chest
It moves up and
           d
           o
          w
          n
Your breathing slows;
Do you know I'm
Watching?
Listening?
Breathing your exact breaths?

I hope you can
Remember how I feel
For you.

The air you exhale is
Hot,
Wet,
And sad.
What are you dreaming about?

I would hope that it's me but
You seem terrified of what you see.

I hope you can
Remember how I feel
For you
When I'm gone,
It's vital to how you'll
Live afterwards.

and thats the thing,
i still love him.
i really do.
i love the way his cologne smells.
the way he fidgets when he gets nervous.
the way his eyes are so, so beautiful.

but, i do not feel the need to
go past your door anymore to catch your
attention.
all i need to do is sit at my lunch table or
hangout with another teacher for you to
magically come in, flustered and handsome,
for you to make a conversation with me.
and thats it, huh?
all i ever needed to do was to
tell you i was happy for you
for you to realize that you need
me in your life as well, just as
much as i need you
in mine.

i can see it in your glances
at church and in the
way you smile at me
when you pass me by or
in the way your voice gets
lower when you
speak to me.

do not hide your love for me,
its highly illogical and all it
does is wear the both of
us out.

sweet dreams darling.

I asked him to take me away,
let's go around the world, you and I.
It would be wonderful, I promise.
We could hold hands under the stars,
And talk all night long.
And you could tell me the darkness
That lies behind your deep blue eyes.
There would be nothing to stop us now,
We would only be slaves to time,
But even then we wouldn't be.
For we would have all the time in the world,
To understand each other fully.

the last time I felt like someone cared about me was when
we were on my bed,
laughing and rolling around and
being so close to one another.
you were trying (notice I said trying)
to tickle me and you failed miserably.
you somehow ended up on top of me and
then your warm, tender hand (the right one, specifically)
ended up holding me by my waist and
you slowly made your way up to my face as you
caressed my cheek.
you leaned down slowly to kiss me and that was the last time I
know someone cared about me.

I feel like I'm all alone in the world because I'm slowly, but surely, being
forced to shut myself out from it.
trust me, it's not something that I want to do.
but it's something that I have to do, because if I don't then
things will just continue to get worse and
I just simply cannot afford anymore heartbreak.

everyone is dead. well, not everyone.
but most of us are.
we're just walking corpses waiting for Death to take us away
from this Hell we call Earth.

*aren't we?

maybe if I wasn't so self-indulgent,
then I'd be able to see that the
world doesn't revolve around me.
maybe if I wasn't so stubborn,
then I'd be able to appreciate the
art of taking things slow and
keeping my options open
instead of always closing
myself off to the
world.
maybe if I wasn't so lazy,
then I'd be motivated to
get better and to keep going
instead of just giving up and
going back to how I used to be.
maybe if I wasn't so materialistic,
then I'd be able to appreciate what
I have right in front of me instead of
always wanting what more and more
constantly.

Take up your arrows, Artemis; the forest calls.

It feels like it's been seven years.
almost like my body has been replaced
I'm still in the same body though
just with a different face
full of different cells
and my blood?
that's different, too.
It's no wonder that my dreams are so different.
that my wants and needs are so...
well... let's just call them
not like me.
and that's okay.
maybe to some it isn't.
but to me?
well, I guess they'll just have to
suffice for
now.

Every night I
Go to sleep
With tears r
                    o
                      l
                       l
                        i
                         n
                           g
Down my face.
I think about all of
The things I've done
Wrong and even about
Why I shouldn't be alive.

I've been trying to go to
Sleep earlier and earlier
Each night just so I could
Escape the world a little but
Longer and even get the
Crying done with
Earlier.

I sat in the tub,
Thinking of everything that's
Gone wrong in my life.
I tried to think about all the
Good things but
They couldn't come.
Everyone is trying to be
So nice to me,
And I'm sick of it.
I deserve to be treated
Terribly.
I should actually probably be
****** or hanged or
something.
But, instead you all treat me
Like nothing ever has happened.

I look over at my scissors and
They beg me to try them out again.
But I don't,
Because somehow
Some sort of happiness
Comes through me and
Tells me not to.
rachel, just don't cut for thirty minutes.
draw or do something else.
if you don't give in to it,
then after those thirty minutes
you should be okay.

You said that to me awhile back and
Now I understand why.
For days like these,
I need that in my mind.
Your soft, kind voice
Telling me that it'll all
Be okay soon.

Everybody keeps asking if I'm okay,
Except for you.
You truly don't care,
And that's what hurts the most.
Yes, you love me,
But you don't know how to show it anymore.
Want to know how many times I've cried in the past few days?
Just come look at me for more than two ******* seconds.
Want to know how I'm dealing with this pain?
Im just watching my own heart tear into two while you don't care.
How many text messages have you sent to him in the past few days?
More than our 10 text conversation last night, definitely.
And he's not the problem, it's not about him. It's about you.
Because every single thing has to be about you.
You may not realize it, but it does.
How many times have I been told in the past few days "Leave her, you'll be happier"?
More than the amount of texts you've sent me.
But will I listen to them?
Honestly, i don't know.
Because every time i try to talk to you, You sleep.
And every time I ask to be by you, you say no.
And every time I want to have time to kiss you, you say "I'm taking the stairs".
And every single ******* time I say "I love you", I hear you voice go up to say a measly "I love you". When your voice goes up, it's as if you're telling a lie or saying something without its true meaning anymore. You might think you're good at lying, but you can't hide from me.
Just...do me a favor. Tell me. Tell me you aren't happy. Tell me you don't want to be with me anymore. Tell me, just tell me. I'm losing you and I don't know what to do. You're my love...you're my heart.
I just don't want you to be unhappy. I've cried so much... And every time you ******* off or break your promises or words, I fall apart again and again inside.
Just tell me. Please.

I can't think straight
my eyes are blurry and red
tears are rolling down my cheeks
I couldn't bear to wake you up
but I should've
my god, I really should have.
maybe I wouldn't be here
in this place right now
with wet bed sheets now
stained red with
tears of my
blood.

cutting doesn't release pain anymore,
it just lets me feel more.
how am I supposed to let go when
all I seem to do is let the feelings back in?
I can't take it anymore.
this constant pain.
I feel so whole,
yet so empty and I
just cant take it!

I know I am happy
yet I feel so down.
why is it that
every time i feel good
I somehow find a new
reason to get sad
again?

I knew I should've went today.
I should've left this town,
gone to a place in the mountains with the rest of them.
But instead I opted to stay.
Why?

I realized that
I'm a terrible friend.
All I do is fall in love with them and
Ruin our friendships.
I should probably stop that
But it's because I get to close to someone and
Mistake their friendly love
For
Something... More.

I guess all I'm saying is that I'm sorry.

I'm ready when you are, lay down your cards and I'll be sure to grab mine too. I know now that I'm ready for you.

"I'm so excited for our wild time tonight??"
"Why's that?"
"I don't know...seeing and talking to you is fun and it makes me happy."
"It makes me happy too."
"Really?"
*"Yeah *really"

for awhile I tried to believe that love could withstand anything, because it's what I've been conditioned to believe. but love isn't like the fairytales, no, not at all. it's full of tears and heartache and it sometimes makes you so incredibly blind and naive. but love always prevails right? no, wrong. love, while it may be something that can transcend past all of space and time and through all of the dimensions, it can be cruel, and once you're in its grasp, it takes you as prisoner and it decides whether or not your time spent in it will be beautiful or destructive, and it also decides what your end will look like--will you come out alive or will you shatter, with pieces of yourself scattered around?

she walked in and saw me
holding your hips
and playing with the
fabric in between my fingers.
she didn't say anything
but you could tell that she now knew
that we were a real couple.
normally, she'd make some kind of
reference or comment,
"Rachel! Stop touching her, ya nasty!"
and my hand would fall away quickly.
but, i think she understands now.

we cant be together in public.
i am a very touchy person,
and a very lovable one as well.
finally i am happy and i think
she may see that in me.
maybe that is why she hasn't said anything.

so, TF, thank you so much.
you see all, but you know that
this needs to stay secret.

after all, i am sure you do not
want what happened to you,
to happen to me.

you silly man,
you silly bibliophile..
you lover of green tea.
i never expected this to happen.
i never expected you to say
that you loved me.
i never did.

i'm not sure of
how you mean't it but
you see, i thought i loved you
earlier in the year...
and i do.

but, maybe not in the way you
expect it to be so.

I miss him so
much that I
actually prayed
about him
(I never pray
so this is
weird.)

i went up to you
and said "i got a
C!" and you smiled
and knew that i
was very proud.
you gave me
permission to
get closer with
your eyes and
i did.

you then smiled,
asked when my next
test was and i
answered back,
"in two weeks."
you smiled and
then we became silent.

i looked at you and
decided it was time
to tell you how i
felt.

"congrats, i heard you're
engaged. thats amazing."
and he smiled and said,
"yes, i am. its wonderful,
thank you!" and he had this
light in his eyes when he
said this to me.

i told him to have a
good day and before he
said anything, i walked
out.

i felt the need to puke and
cry and i wasn't sure of
what to do because
I'm so completely in
love with you.

im so happy for him
and i know i shouldn't
feel this way but,
i really wish he had that
same light in his eyes
when he talks to
me.

The look you gave me reminded me of
when you found out about the boy
at space camp.

It reminded me of when you sent me the
message saying, "I'll call you when I get home."
And then you proceeded to angrily cry and
sob in your room over FaceTime with me and
ask over and over again,
"How could you?".

It reminded me of the look you gave me that made me realize
that I had messed up so badly.
I had ripped your heart out
and when I realized that,
I wouldn't have blamed you for saying goodbye to me
right then and there.

You didn't, and I know you regret it.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what else to say.
I'm still here wishing I had made better choices.
I'm still wishing that I had held you closer sometimes, too.
You probably regret it all.
You'd rewrite that ending, wouldn't you?

God, that look...that look.
I pretended like it didn't break my heart
but I can promise you that it
did.