my heart and head keep screaming at me.
no amount of medicine will help me sleep nor
drown out this noise called
heartbreak.

So what I'm really tryin' to say is, and what I hope you understand
Is despite all the imperfections of who I am I still wanna be your man
I know it hasn't been easy for us to talk with everyone being around,
But this is, this is personal, this is for me and you
And I want you to know that I still love you
And I know the seasons may change,
But sometimes love goes from sunshine to rain
But I'm under this umbrella and I'm calling your name
And you know I don't wanna lose that
I still believe in us
I still believe in love
I still believe in us
I hope you believe in love
The way I believe in us

i wonder if my heart will ever heal.
will these heartstrings come back or
is it too last to ask?

as she wishes him
the best because
after all,
thats what he deserves.

his sweet blue eyes and
boyish smile make her
euphoric.

his laugh is deep just
like her roots are for
him.

he seeped into her
soul and he can't
fight his way
out.

and why should he?
its a nice place to be.
after all,
thats what he deserves

he deserves to be on
her mind all day and
in her heart all night
and in her soul
forever.

we were on the phone while you were
getting ready for work and you
said, "hey love, i know you're reading
so i don't wish to be a bother, but i'm going
run to take a quick shower, alright?"
i said a quick "mhm" and you laughed and said
"okay, ill be back soon, love you."
i heard you turn on the water and
i could hear the unzipping of your pants and
i could practically feel the way you
peeled off your shirt from your toned body.
i wasn't paying attention to you, but in that moment,
i just couldn't help it.
your voice sounded so heavenly as you sang in the shower
and all i wanted to do was jump through the phone and
join you as you sang sweet nothings.

he told me he loved me by accident, or so it seemed.
we were laughing together like any normal night
and we were facetiming to talk about his car and
how much we missed each other.
and as we were laughing, i realized he stopped.
i found him staring at me and him slowly forming the phrase,
"I love you, Rachel."
he didn't come out of his daze for awhile,
and he seemed quite surprised that he had said it.
he sort of nodded and smiled, as if he was assuring himself that
he meant what he said when he told me that he loved me.
i just remember looking at him,
looking at my glass screen wishing i could touch him on the cheek
or even hold his hand, just so he could know that
i feel the same too.

i'm sorry that words don't seem to be enough to show my love for you.
i just know that I've been told that phrase enough without actually feeling the love that is supposed to be radiated between two people when they say it.
i just know that i never want it happen again, and with you it hopefully never will.

so, when you said you loved me, you said you meant it.
you said that our silly banter and my laugh and the way i breathe while i read made you fall for me.
you said you didn't mean to, it just sort of....happened.
but more importantly, you said something that i had never told you that i feared.
"I won't leave you. I can tell that you're scared, because they all leave you. Rachel...I don't want to be like them, I'm different. I love you, and I need you to know that you're loved. I swear I won't leave you, I swear it."
my heart wants to believe him, and my body craves to tell him that I love him too...
but my mind? well,
it's having a hard time letting me believe that
someone can love someone as
heartless as me.

I'm too afraid to say
Hello.
To start a conversation.
But I can write
About your
Eyes
That scream
Innovation.

Yesterday, I caught myself off guard.
I was singing "Help!" and I laughed to myself.
I saw her standing there and she said,
"I'm suprised you can still sing The Beatles."
I said, "Me too. But just because she's gone, doesn't mean they have to be too."
She asked me what I wanted and I couldn't help but say that I Want to Hold Your Hand. But we don't always get what we want, do we now?
And With a Little Help From My Friends, I think I'll survive this heartbreak, this heartache.
I've been Across the Universe with you, but that was never enough. You still wanted more, and I hope you find it one day, my dear.
For a few weeks, I wanted to Get Back to the way things used to be, but we could never do that no matter how hard we tried.
And I send All My Loving to you, to you, to you.
Maybe I'll find it again someday--love--, but i think it's time to just Let it be.
And I Love Her. I love her dearly. I love her completely and unconditionally. I meant what I said, forever and equally. But it's time. I'm sorry, it's time.

I used to think you were my
antidote but
I'm starting to believe that
You're the source of my
death.

Your eyes used to scream 'Innovation'
But now they just whisper short and
Unspoken words that means
I'm a complication.

Behind her heart was a
Raging fire.
It only kept going because
It was constantly getting
Freshly chopped wood
From you.
But from it
You gave her heart
Splinters and
Her heart could only take
So many.
Sooner or later
Her heart will
Burn with that fire too.

My essay is about you.
You're flattered I guess.
It seems to me that
You're my
Hero,
That you're my
Best.

I was high for so long
that it was only a matter of time before
I came crashing
                            d
                              o
  ­                              w
                                 ­  n
                                      .

I saw him today.
Yes, him.
The man of my dreams.
Now, listen closely,
because its vital:
I needed to go get something
and out of luck,
he was there.
He was riding in a
golf cart,
curly brown hair
flying in the wind and
his eyes ever so
green in the
shining sun.

What will it take for him to
feel the same for me
one day?

He** writes,
He lives,
He is.

I just wish
I knew
Him.

you'll think of me later
when you got to turn on Netflix
and type in 'Sherlock'.
you'll laugh at Benedict's badass
attitude in the show, and
i'll be lurking in the back
of your mind.

rach rach rach rach rach

you'll be thanking me for
showing you this great
show and you'll be
smiling because of
all of the good times
we've had.

but, then your fiancé will come by
and kiss you on the lips,
you'll hold her close and
you'll probably put your hand
on her waist to keep her steady.
you'll take the time to pause the
show and i'll be gone from your
mind because now the only thing
on your mind is her.

lyse lyse lyse lyse lyse

that's all you'll be thinking of.
not me, not the show,
but making love with her.
and to be brutally honest here,
it hurts. but then again,
i never really was an option,
now was I?

I'm just a daughter to you,
while you are my hero,
my savior,
my glorious passion.
you are the fire burning inside of me,
the sweet smell of lust after love
leaves.
you were and are and forever
will be my
love.

You went into the summer,
blurred into it like
the pastels i used
to draw your
eyes.

You came back in the autumn,
the leaves turned just like
you did on
me.

Now, youve left me so
confused and hurt that
i just dont know
which way to
go.

Maybe you'll come back
to me next
autumn.

I don't own you,
I'm sorry that I act the way I do.
I just wish I did,
So I could love you too.

It seems like
The perfect guy
Is right in front of me.

Sometimes though,

It feels like
The perfect girl
Is right next to me.

Other times,

I wish that the guy who writes
Beautiful poetry
Could be mine for real.

Without you
I'll have to learn how to make
Home out of my own arms
Instead of yours.

everyone was dancing
having fun
not caring about
anything.
but i stood still,
scared of the voices,
feeling like i didn't
fit in.

when he bent
down to kiss me,
i pulled back.
i felt bad but....
i just couldn't.

all i do is hurt people
and I'm so sick of it.
i cant even be happy
at my own homecoming
dance.

he told me to have
a good time because
everything gets better.
but they don't,
its only for a little
while that
they do.

and it's getting cold, baby, I want your hot hands on me.

1 am
Woke up and looked at you to make sure you were still there. We couldn't sleep next to each other, so I had no idea if you would still be on the sofa next to mine, sleeping soundlessly in the dark of the living room.
2 am
I woke up again and looked over. You were now sleeping on your side to where I could see your face. Very little light from the crescent moon hit your face and highlighted all of my favorite parts of you--Your nose, your eyes, and your oh-so-kissable lips. I smiled and found sleep waiting for me again.
3 am
I look up and you are still breathing. I smile and fall into yet another dreamless oblivion.
4 am
I awaken to myself gasping for air, and clenching onto the covers tightly. I look up at the chandelier and take a moment before I look at you to make sure you are still okay. Just breathe.Right, now I can look I turned over and all I could see were your legs, which hung over the side of the sofa. Your soft porcelain legs looked quite cold. I took a moment to appreciate your soft legs before I pull your cover down a bit. You held on tightly and softly said, "Rach..." before I smiled and let go. I slowly put my head down again and fell asleep once more.
5 am
I remember waking up again, but this time I couldn't see your face, so I just feel asleep once more.
6 am
Woke up, but I decided not to check. I could hear your breaths instead, which is the only reason I was able to fall asleep.
7 am
I woke up, checked again, and feel asleep... again.
8 am
I awoke to the sound of my phone buzzing and my friend telling me she had to throw up again (poor girl, it's her birthday) and I looked over and saw you there. I looked for another minute, and then feel asleep one last time.
8:26 am
I awoke and it took me a moment to register why everyone was awake now. It is so early and I am so tired. I decided to look over at you, but you weren't there. I couldn't process that you weren't there in my mind, so instead I looked around frantically. They asked if I knew where you went? and I shook my head. They looked upstairs, in the bathroom, and even the bedroom we put all of our things in. Finally they found you lying on the extra bed with your phone in hand. I walked in and knelt down to kiss you on the head. You were awake and silent. I smiled, said I loved you and went back to the kitchen to start making breakfast.
8:40 am**
You came in the kitchen and smiled at me. Your hair was everywhere and your eyes looked tired. All I wanted right then was to swoop you up and kiss you passionately. But, sadly I did not. I kept stirring the pancake mix and pretended that none of this, nothing of you, make me completely and utterly insane inside.

The butterflies kept flapping and the fish inside of me kept swimming and every single part of me ached to have you next to me. I smiled as I made the pancakes and for some reason, I felt as if it were just the both of us there together. You sitting on the chair smiling at me and me pouring the mix into the pan. It felt like the perfect morning, even with all of my other friends here as well.

something about you
your lips met mine
and I know you could feel my
breath
hot and ready
panting and aching
I could feel the need
inside of me
I didn't know what to do
I would've kept kissing
but my lips couldn't
I felt like I was
doing something wrong-
tongue doesn't belong there
my lip hung, waiting for some
type of control
that I know you won't give me.
I still wanted to feel you
your heartbeat was quick
everything felt so right
your lips on my neck
the wetness in between my
thighs
my silent laughs
because I couldn't believe any
of this was happening to me-
let alone me being okay with it.
I hate being touched
by foreign fingers
it brings up memories
of him making my hands
go into places I'll never
speak of.

but, what is it about you?
is it thy lips
that make me quiver?
is it your eyes
that hypnotize me
every time i see them?
is it your heart
and the song that sings just
for me?
or is it your soul
the one I'll never ever
compare to.

you give sweet kisses and
have the most beautiful
features I have ever
laid my eyes upon,
how are you mine?

Yeah!
His presence, His love,
Is so thick and tangible in this room tonight.
And there are some of you here that have not encountered the love of God.
And tonight God wants to encounter you.
And wants you to feel His love.
His amazing love.
Without it these are just songs,
These are just words,
These are just instruments.
Without the love of God, it's just like we're just up here just making noise.
But the love of God changes us,
And we're never the same,
We're never the same,
After we encounter the love of God
We're never the same after we encounter the love of God!
And right now if you haven't encountered the love of God,
And you would know,
Because you wouldn't be the same.
You would never be the same again.
And if you, if you, want to encounter the love of God right now,
You better just brace yourself because He's about to just blow in this place!
And we're gonna encounter the love of God right now!
So God, I speak to all the hearts
And I ask God that every heart be open right now,
Every heart be open.
Every spirit be opened up!
To you God, To You!
And a love encounter--
A love encounter from you tonight!
A love encounter from you tonight God!

Well, lets see.
When the person you absolutely love and adore
goes away to ******* space camp and decides
that teasing Australian boys is better than
staying faithful to your loving girlfriend
of almost ******* 6 months
then you know that
you have truly felt
your heart
being                            r                        i   p          p   e       d
out of your chest and
wanting death more
than you ever have since
a year ago.

This is how it works in
My brain:
If I cut my hair,
I won't cut myself.
I'll take it out on
My hair and
It won't mean a thing.
But on my wrist it
Somehow means I'm
A monster.

Fill them up with love
and then leave.

and with the smoke in my lungs and his words flowing around me, I could feel the vibrations in my bones and I could hear the thumping of my heart as I sang along. What a beautiful day. What a beautiful life.

i can't get hungover,
yet somehow i know the feeling.
i know the feeling because you were like
alcohol to me.
i am fatigued and weak,
when just before you came around i was
becoming strong again.
i became thirsty and
i really believed that you were
the cure.
in reality, i needed more water...
not more of you.
my decreased need of sleep makes sense.
after all, how can i sleep with the
pains that you bring me
constantly?
concentrating is so difficult,
whether its on a movie I'm watching or
even my school work.
everything has become a chore,
and the sunlight burns and i can't seem to
keep myself focused for more than a few seconds before
i go back to nowhere land.

even though I've never been hungover,
i know that i am with you.
hungover on the thought and the wishes that you
would become something more than a poison to
me.

I just want everything to be blown away, so that hopefully this won't get ruined by the debris, too.

you think of me as an oncoming storm who only wishes to bring destruction. am I not more than death and ruins?

i am in pain everywhere
and i am trying to
make it better and
heal as much as possible but
you make it harder to do that
because new wounds are harder to stitch
and these gaping holes
are spewing blood all over.

i am burning everywhere
because you keep lighting me on fire
and you love to watch me burn
this inferno won't die down
i was foolish to call you my
home.

i am limping
from the knives you've
thrown at me with your words
and the scratches all over indicate that
you don't mind washing my blood
from under your fingernails
as long as it means
you won't have to
deal with my pain
later on.

i am throwing up
all the ****** intentions that you've
sent into my body through your
kisses and i am
closing the door that i left open
for you

because i believed you already owned a
key to my heart when in reality
you stole it from someone else.

i don't think it's a coincidence anymore.
the universe is rarely so lazy.

"Am I the kind of guy you could see yourself having a relationship with?"
I thought for a moment.
I took a deep breath and said the truth.
After all, the truth is all I have now.
"Right now? No. I mean, awhile ago you were the most beautiful boy I'd ever come across. But right now, I can't afford to be in a relationship. At least not yet. Maybe one day I'll be able to see us together like I was able to for so long, but as for right now, I can't even see tomorrow. I hope you can understand that."
"I do. And I just hope you understand that no matter what you say, you cannot scare me away. I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to."*
Oh, my dear, I've been told that far too many times to know that it's not true.

I am satisfied, I am content, I am living, I am breathing, I am trying my best to continue onwards while growing into the person I am meant to become, it's all I can do, it is all that I am.

You were asked "Who is the
man in the relationship?"
because apparently there has to be
a man...
But, you said "That's the point.
Nobody is the man."
I'm sure he smiled and
tilted his head to the side
because in reality
isn't the man
usually
dominant?

I remember as a kid
believing that the men
had all the rights whereas
the women had none at all.
But, now I see if you want the
relationship to work out, then
you must both agree that you are
equal in each others love.

I have found that maybe I am the
Dominant lover, but something she
may not realize is that my heart
beats for her and my hand reaches
for her. That my thoughts lead to her
and that my body only wishes to feel
her warmth beside me every day and night.

I may be dominant, but you'll always have superiority over my heart.

I've never been so happy.
I could write and write
about you all day long.
Some may disagree though,
"Rachel, why are you acting
so sad and so terrible?
You've been so happy lately?"
I'm sorry I lashed out once and
I decided I hated the words you
said to me the other day.
I am so, so sorry that for once
I disagreed with your words
and everything you stand for.
I am so sorry that I have a
mind of my own for once.
All I've ever known was
silence and of being owned
by you wretched people.
But, now I am free.

So free to live and to do
and to love who my heart
chooses.

My heart chose her--
if I could scream it to the world,
I honestly would.
Love deserves to be known
and to be shouted
and to be whispered in
the wind.
Love deserves the attention
I'd give you,
and the songs I'll sing,
and kisses I'll touch you with.
You, my darling, deserve more than
the sadness that life brings you.
My beautiful old soul,
you are bright and such a gorgeous
and beautiful and intelligent girl,
how could I ever let you go?

No amount of poetry
or music
or even kisses
will ever be enough to
show you that you
are my love.

and as I let her go back into his arms, I realized how much I missed you. I watched as they cuddled and kissed, and I realized how much I miss you. I miss nuzzling into the crook of your neck, and I miss the feeling of your lips on mine. I realized just how ungrateful I was for having you, and how I never really thanked you for the wonderful love that we shared. I thought I had while we were together, but did I ever really tell you or show you just how grateful I was to have you in my life? God... I miss you Leigh. I miss you so terribly. but, I've come realize that there are times when I cannot miss you. I can't miss the way you smell or the way you smiled at me that day in the park. I can't miss that day when we held each other in your bed and kissed like we had never tasted a love so sweet before. that was one of the most magical moments in my entire life. I remember that just like it was yesterday. I remember the feeling of your skin on my own and the light you brought into my life. Some days I can't remember if you ever said I was your soulmate, but I always felt like you were. we seemed like we had an unstoppable love, and we hurt so many of those around us when your love for me withered like the rose on my window. but I will never forget you. I cannot forget you. the days I try to forget are the days when I am at my most vulnerable and deeply depressed. I can't seem to forget the way you made me feel, I felt so confident and so sure about everything, especially our future, wherever that may have led us. I wanted to give you everything in the universe, but that wasn't enough, was it? you didn't want the universe, hell, in the end you didn't even want me anymore. some days I convince myself that what you wanted was for me to feel the pain that I caused in the summer, and some days I can remember that you aren't heartless like many believe you are. I could always see you. I have always been able to see you. I know you have a heart, one of the biggest hearts that I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. in this dying world, you were my other half. a part of my soul was given to you, where did it go? did you let that go as well when you left me? But I am whole without you. actually, I've felt more myself now than ever. It probably seems harsh, but it's true. I'm learning how to be more and more true to myself. I couldn't be completely honest with you, there always seemed to be something to hide. not that I had secrets, but that I know that you didn't trust me, so it made me lack trust in you as well even though there was no reason to. but in the end there was. i could feel it. and I asked around and I told a few select people of my suspicions, but they laughed, told me I was being dumb and that I was just being paranoid. funny thing is, I never listened to them. actually, in the end I did. I started to. that's where I went wrong, huh? just a few nights before you left, I told you that I loved you. could you hear my sobs in between? I asked you why and you gave me a measly "I love you", and you said nothing. that's when I knew. God... that's when I knew you were gone. I wanted you to hear my muffled sobs, to know that I cried everyday on from that because I knew you were so far gone. I wasn't enough anymore. maybe if we had learned to be grateful, we could've lasted. or maybe our time was just over, and it's time to move on. sometimes I torture myself with the thought of you and what you have done. but I've done some awful things, and I am truly sorry for how I hurt you. are you worth dying for? I still believe that you are. but not with me taking my own life. no, you aren't worth my own precious life. but what do you deserve? happiness and love in its most purest form. and as much as I wish I could be the one to give it to you, I've come to realize that you cannot get the purest love and happiness from anyone else in this world except for yourself. so I ask anyone who reads this to please realize that you should never let another person be your own source of happiness and love. if you do, you will surely burn each other.

For so long I thought it was so beautiful to be owned, but now I see the destruction that the belief that you belong to anyone but yourself can bring.

And I am ******* tired of allowing people to walk all over me, and deciding when I'm not good enough anymore. If anybody wants to leave, ******* do it. I'm sick of the *******, I will not allow myself to be treated like a door mat that you can rub your **** on. I am so much more than that.

I want you so much.

I used to write about how you were my "other half" but that's *******. I am whole with or without you. I do not need another person to "complete me". I need myself, and I need to love myself *equally and forever.

you deserve so much more.

I've been looking at myself lately,
I'm kind of good looking.
I mean,
My flaws are easy:
My skin is uneven
My nose is to big
And I'm kind of... Fat.
But there is more than that to me:
My eyes are pretty
I have clear skin
I have nice hips
I'm funny
I'm kind of good looking
I'm smart
And I have a good heart.

I can write beautiful poetry and
I can sing like an angel.

Why did I hate myself so much?
Why didnt I see all these things before?