It's just another low again, I promise I'll be fine.
Hopefully I'll swallow the right amount of pills this time.

and how could someone so beautiful be so ugly?

"Forget all of them. **** them. They don't know who you are and who you've become and how you feel. You really like him, yeah? Then go for it, because he really likes you too. I can see how much you care for him when he's around and when you talk about him, so that must count for something. Enjoy this feeling and let this happen, because the both of you deserve the best, and I know that y'all are for one another."

I can feel his stare as it burns through me.

you didn't know how many times I cried, how many times I woke up in the middle of the ******* night begging for you forgive me, or how up until you found out I couldn't let myself love you fully because I knew I didnt deserve any love back. You're right, what I did was awful. What I thought about doing was awful, and oh the things I said were awful. I didn't cry? I didn't cry from the pain I had caused? You're delusional, truly, you are. Something you'll never realize is that I will carry that burden for the rest of my life, because I hurt the one person I loved more than anything in the world. And that is what makes you and I different from each other.

why can't I just ******* admit it to myself? why can't I say it out loud?

and it's hard to be sad about someone who never really mattered.

and finally, it's time to *learn

I haven't done this since the month she left.
How could I have known that you'd
affect me this much?

and I find it funny that I didn't notice that you blocked me until he asked me if I had checked on you lately. I haven't.

You're nothing more than a paper girl in this paper world and I had thought that maybe your mask was one you could wash off, but it turns out you were too simple-minded to use the right kind of paint.

you say what I want to hear and I believe every single word of it.

I wish that I could've shared this view with you.

I miss praying with you at night, because I felt like God could hear me better back then.

Yeah, you should've.
But saying that you should have or could have won't change the past.
It just helps you to make better decisions in the future.

and I don't just want to be a temptation and I most certainly do not want to be owned.

is this a ******* joke?

i think drowning may be the only option at this point
i just can't keep swimming anymore

and if I asked you to come, would you?

I remember saying how I just wanted to become the best possible version of myself and I remember being that person about a year ago and then I ruined it, but I had started to pick myself up and put myself back together and then God gave me you and it was like I was that person again, I was starting to become, once again, the best possible version of myself. I had missed the smiles that surfaced on my face during those times and how it felt to be so full and so happy and content and even with the darkness surrounding me, it didn't matter due to how wonderful everything was even with everything else going on. God, do I miss you and that and the way you made me feel like I was going to be something amazing. But I guess it's just time for me to learn how to be that version of myself without someone else by my side. Maybe it's time to be completely alone for awhile.

You lie on my chest and I know that you only wish to be held.

baby, don't let winter come, don't let your heart freeze

"I'm just worried about you. Please don't let any of this bring you to the point of death."

*"Hasn't it already?"

and when land starts to look like crashing waves, that's when I realize how long I had been drowning for. I believe it is time to come up for air.

"so will I ever get another FT call from you or did my mumbling scare you off?"

I don't want to be of the world anymore.

and some days I cannot even bear to roam my own mind, for fear I will fall into yet another black hole and I will never find the light again.

And you did something to me. You put the blood back into my veins and you made me feel again.

You're such a *****.

You're winning this game that I'm not willing to play.

and I know it was you.

I woke up feeling fresh and renewed, because I know He has a plan for me.

And if you're not willing to stay, then just leave now.

and it's easy to not eat, because the control you feel is much more satisfying than food will ever taste.

but I do.

You always were afraid of being replaced.
Guess your fears came true.

I'm tired of thinking of before, I want to know what happens after.

I will put these feelings beside
and I will let nature take its course.