you say what I want to hear and I believe every single word of it.

tell me that these lips don't burn your skin and that your breath isn't as hot as fire on my neck

"sacrifice--that's what you do for the people you love."

It's easy to forget.
It's just like dying, but better.
Nothing can bother you if you're dead.

that's what he said to me when I walked into the white room,
sat on the green chair, and I listened to the sound of my heart beating in that lonely room.
"You have an addiction, Rachel."
"No..no I don't."
"Rachel, your body is literally addicted to painkillers. If you don't stop, the pain will continue to get worse and whatever is left of the lining of your stomach will disappear. You will be put into the hospital if this progresses."
"It won't, I don't have a problem. I'm not addicted. I just take them once in awhile because I have horrible headaches."
"How often would you say that you take them? Once a week? Twice?"
I shuddered as the realization dawned on me that I do not take them once or twice a week, but almost every single day in 800mg incrimates.
He looked at me closely as I stuttered while forming my response.
"I...I take...I take them at least...maybe...everyday?...Just a few though...not a lot of them..."
"How many is 'a few'?"
"...about 3...sometimes 6 if it's really bad."
I hear gasps come from my mother and my doctor as they look at me in horror. I looked down at my hands and fiddled with them while they explained why this was a terrible problem.
"When did this start?"
I couldn't figure out an exact date, but I know it's been a few months. First it was just painkillers, and then I switched to sleeping pills because I couldn't sleep anymore. Once sleeping became worse with those pills, I switched back to just painkillers because those didn't cause terrible nightmares that I couldn't wake from no matter how hard I tried.
"A few months, I think. Maybe 2...3..."
My mom and my doctor talked for awhile about a game plan to get me off these painkillers and onto another medicine that can help reverse the effects of what I've done to my body.
I didn't mean to, I swear I didn't.
I guess it's just another way I was trying to cope with the pain without realizing it.

and even during these hard times, i need to remember to thank God for my blessings and for my life.

and what i realized when i said this today was that
no, its not okay, no its not fine for me to even remotely allow
you to walk all over me like i am a doormat that you can
wipe your ***** shoes all over whenever the ground around you is
wet and causing you to sink,
no my dear friend i will not allow you to treat me like
i am just another girl who can have her heartbroken so easily
i promised myself that my heart wouldn't be so shaken without difficulty
and you will not be the one who takes my heart from my strong hands and
throws it on the ground to be stepped on with your ***** shoes.
no, I'm not sorry at all for how i feel about this situation,
because i am so ******* exhausted of being treated this way and
pretending that it doesn't hurt,
no i am so tired of pretending that none of this hurts,
because my god, it surely
does.

so no, its not okay, and it sure as hell is not fine.
pack up your bags, bud.
this "doormat" isn't for you.

You're winning this game that I'm not willing to play.

So...is this the end?

knock me down, I'm dying, hold me under, I'm ready to drown

I love when we wake up together on the phone, because hearing your sleepy "Good Morning"s are so worth waking a bit earlier for.

We bounce around the subject of us.
Whether it's because we just started being romantic with one another or
because we're trying to feel things out,
we're just "iffy" on this subject.
We want more, but asking is scary, and you're not one to be forward.
You brought it up though, sort of stuttering when you asked, "Is there an us?"
I smiled at the thought, because I've never been much into boys. At least, I've never been completely attracted to them. But I am completely to attracted to you, and you make me so happy.
Why wouldn't I want there to be an "us"?
"I would think so."
"We already act like we are together, and one of my friends is practically begging me to ask you out already."
"I don't want you to ask me to be your girlfriend because one of your friends keeps bugging you. I want you to ask me because you really like me and because I make you happy too."
"I do really like you and God Rachel, you make me extremely happy."
"I know, and I feel the same way."
"Just know that I will, okay?"
"Will...what...?"
"And I'm the oblivious one?"
"Oh shut up."
"Make me."
"No, cmon, tell me what you meant by 'just know that I will'."
"Just know that I will ask you to be my girlfriend."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Okay. Just know that this isn't a rush or a race. I'm enjoying getting to know you and being what we are now. Yes, I'd love to date you, and I'm looking forward to that. But, I don't want you to feel rushed. I want you to feel ready, just like how I want to feel ready too."
"Sounds like a plan."
"Okay."
"I like you, Rachel."
"I like you too, Brock."

i lie here sobbing inside this book as the pages become soggy and my heart screams that i was always Ed even though i always believed i was Min. i was never the good guy, not until now, no now i am Min, slowly but surely, i am becoming her and i am killing the parts of me that made me into Ed.

You lie on my chest and I know that you only wish to be held.

It's okay, I did too.

"So...all of this happened when she broke up with you?"
I looked at you after, scared that you'd hate me for all of the mistakes I've made. Scared that you'd leave too. I nodded slowly while tears started to flow down my burning cheeks.
"Does this change anything?"
You looked at me and smiled as you said, *"Why would it?"
"Because I've done terrible things, and it's easy to let all of this information make you look at me differently. I would understand if you did, but I just hope you don't."
*"Rachel, I see all of you. I don't want you to be afraid to show me who you were, who you are, and who you are becoming. You're not that same girl, and I can see that. Nothing has changed, I still like you. Nothing you can say will change that fact."

And now everything smells like the boy I adore.

You enchant me even when you're not around.

Focus on what makes you happy instead of trying to ruin other people's happiness, dear.

kissing you is so beautiful.

I woke up feeling like I do not deserve to be this lucky, but God, I truly am so lucky.

you touched me and I felt a strange calmness wash over me that I had never felt before.

God, I am so in love with You.
I've started thanking You every night for the life I live,
because I am so happy and lucky to be who I am.
Through You I will do what You wish,
and all I wish to do is fulfill Your
plan for my life.

Thank you God, thank you so much.

"Angel...oh oh oh oh... Knew you were special from the moment I saw you...I saw you, yeah."
"Me? Special? You're the angel, not me."
"I said Angel, oh oh oh oh, I feel you're closer every time I call you...I call you."
"Everytime?"
"Cause all I see are wings, I can see your wings,"
"You can?"
"But I know what I am and the life I live, yeah, the life I live."
"You're not that girl anymore, I know you."
"And even though I sin, baby we are born to live."
"Baby?"
"But I know time will tell if we're meant for this, yeah if we're meant for this."*
"We are, trust me."

You and I, we're so intimate with one another.
Not the touching kind of intimacy either...but the closeness we share.
We talk for hours on end and we never get tired of one another's voice
and we fall asleep together, because you don't want to hang up and I hate hanging up on people, so we're just stuck together.
I say, "Yeah, we fell asleep together on the phone again last night," and my friends giggle because I talk about whatever we are as if we're already one in the same, but it's just hard to separate us since we're already so intimate with one another.
I don't need to feel your touch to know that you care about me, because I can see it in your eyes while you're talking to me about your day.
I know how much you care by the way you help me with my studies and you tell me a new history fact from the top of your head every single night.
I can feel how much you care by the way you say, "I think saying 'I guess I like you' is quite an understatement now. I really like you, Rachel. I truly do."
This is the intimacy that I cherish the most, and I'll always be grateful for you and the way you show me that you care for me.

"Forget all of them. **** them. They don't know who you are and who you've become and how you feel. You really like him, yeah? Then go for it, because he really likes you too. I can see how much you care for him when he's around and when you talk about him, so that must count for something. Enjoy this feeling and let this happen, because the both of you deserve the best, and I know that y'all are for one another."

You looked at me from across the room as you licked your lips
and I looked up from what I was doing as I licked my own,
and that's when I saw you.

I want nothing more than to be your friend.

I wake up to find you
still on the phone at 6am.
You turn over, yawn, and your
sleepy steel colored eyes flutter open to
find a girl who is fond of you smiling your way.
You stretch and say, "Goodmorning, how'd you sleep?"
Of course I slept well...I always do.
But whenever you and I are on the phone,
I always wake up between 3-4 without fail.
I'll wake up, turn over, and make sure you're okay.
I'm not sure why I do it, but I know that I care for you and
that I want to make sure that you're happy and safe.
The sage light that shines through my window reminds me of
how kind you are...how gentle you are.
It touches everything, but it is not harsh...
It is light and incredible, just like you.

"you've said a lot of things that nobody has ever noticed about me and that makes me understand what you see in me."

why would you ever want to feel my lips on yours?
what could ever possess you to wish for such a thing as a kiss from me?

And whatever this is, I've never known it.

you think of me as an oncoming storm who only wishes to bring destruction. am I not more than death and ruins?

You got what you wanted
Congrats

me: "Who said anything about liking one another?"
you: "Me"

I want nothing more than to die, but I'm already a walking corpse.

does it count as self-harm if I'm already dead?

You are like freshly drawn curtains by my window
with the sun creeping in at 6 in the morning and your sleepy mumbles
in my ear.
You look over at me with your tired eyes and your sweet smile.
You say goodmorning, stretch, and then rub Daisy's head and say "hello baby, I love you so much".
You wake me up in the middle of the night, and it's okay, because it's nice knowing that you're there and that you're not so far away.
Your breathing is magnificent...you breathe like you can't get enough air when your fall asleep, like you need more and more.
At first, your breathing slows right when you're falling asleep...
And then it speeds up and gets very heavy...very deep.
You are incredible. I am constantly amazed by your words and your actions.
You surprise me every night, and I know that I can trust you with everything.
I have told you almost everything already...
You offer up yourself and I kindly open up my hands and my heart to
recieve what you wish to give to me.
I want to be as kind as possible with you, because I know it's what you deserve, and I know it is who am I now.
I promise that I will constantly be truthful and loyal, because this friendship is worth everything I can and will give.

I want nothing more than to tell you the truth about everything.

You were red and you liked me because I was blue
You touched me and suddenly I was a lilac sky
And you decided purple just wasn't for you.

"I'm so excited for our wild time tonight??"
"Why's that?"
"I don't know...seeing and talking to you is fun and it makes me happy."
"It makes me happy too."
"Really?"
*"Yeah *really"

a star is a star is a star.

And to you, I deserve nothing.
Why must my past mistakes dictate whether or not I deserve happiness?
I have grown exponentially...
I am inches, feet, and yards taller than the person I once was.
You are only able to see through the camera lens you lug around
and it's hurting your vision, oh how it's ruining your perception of all the good around you.
I am sorry for how I hurt you, and I'll carry around the weight of my mistakes forever.
But as long as I have God by my side, I know I am forgiven, and I know that I am worthy.
Do what you please, but please don't bring me down with you.