we both were stirred from our slumber when
you smiled and said, "Hello."
I opened my eyes, smiled at your sweet smile,
and said, "Good morning."
We looked at one another for awhile before you
asked how I was doing, how I was feeling, and
if my dreams so far had been sweet.
I told you I was okay and that I was feeling better.
It was the first time you've ever seen me cry.
I had never planned on it, and I mumbled how sorry
I was the entire time, but you still tried your best to console me.

My dreams had been awful, but all I said was that I couldn't remember.
I didn't want to keep you up any longer, because we both needed sleep.
So I asked you the same questions, and then I said that we should try to sleep again.
You snuggled back into your pillow with your adorable yellow blanket and
with your glasses on and I said, "I really appreciate you, okay?"
Your face became serious as you told me that you feel the same for me as well.

"Goodnight, please have sweet dreams. You deserve them."

he deserves the best...he deserves everything in this known universe.

The more you learn about me, the more scared I become.
I'm scared that you'll leave when you find out more and more about me.
You want to know everything.
Not because I'm this "interesting" person that you say I am,
but because you're actually genuinely interested in who I am and who I will become.
Just don't let anything I say change anything, okay?

At first we were just Di--
(Two)
But then we became Mono--
(One)
And we started to be Syn--
(Together).
You talk to me like you need me,
kind of like how you need Oxygen, Carbon, Hydrogen, Nitrogen, Calcium, and the other 10 elements in our bodies.
You say that I matter.
Not just because I have mass and I take up space,
but because I'm wonderful...special...adorkable.
I said our bond is like a covalent bond. We just share with one another.
It's not ionic, we don't just give and take.
And you said we're not an H-Bond,
because our bond isn't weak.
I said if we were a reaction,
We'd be a synthesis reaction.
Because we were once separate and
now we've became one. (A + B--->C)
You said that you hope we would never be like a decomposition reaction.
Because they we wouldn't be together. (A--->B + C)
And you also said that this feeling is like combustion, that you just might explode!
I laughed at that, because I don't understand how you feel, and I also cannot tell if it's just a part of these jokes we share or maybe something more.
You say "Maybe" like there is, but
you also say "One day" like I'll know you forever.
I guess it's just up to me to say,
"Who knows, not me."

You just want control.
Like a puppet master, you
wish to hold the strings.
Or like a god over his people,
you wish to be the one who
has the last and only say.
Why do you need to control everything?
Why must you carry so much weight
on the top of your shoulders?

"How are you feeling right now?"
You were looking at me with your dorky smile
and then something shifted.
You immediately took a deep breath and
you looked at me with a seriousness in your eyes that
I'm not sure I could ever possibly explain.
"I...I feel...weird."
I looked at you, slightly confused. I cocked my head
to the side and I wondered, "Is it a good or bad weird?"
It was almost like you could hear my thoughts...
Or maybe you just read my ****** expression.
"No no no, it's not a bad kind of weird. It's really good, I think. It's just...strange."
I still looked at you in awe, wondering how whatever you were feeling could be strange.
"Rachel, can I say something?"
Of course you can, you always can.
"I've never felt this before. Whatever this feeling is, I've never known it."
You looked at me with your eyes staring at what little of myself is left inside of me, and we both waited for one of us to respond.
I stopped smiling and I just took all of you in.
I watched as your eyes watched me and I
wished I could've had you near me so you could say this right
in front of my face instead of over FaceTime.
"What?"
"I just really appreciate you, okay?"
"Okay."
"Okay."
"******, not again."
"Okay."
"Okay. Will we do this every time we're about to say something serious about one another?"
I paused and hid my smile from you, because you had told me earlier how sweet it was when I did that.
"I guess so."
"Maybe we'll say it one day?"
"Maybe."
"Maybe?"
"Yes, maybe."

what is going on?

"so will I ever get another FT call from you or did my mumbling scare you off?"

what changed?

"you and i, lets just go to sleep, okay?"
"okay."
"okay?"
"okay."
"i could do this all night, you know."
"as could i."
"goodnight, okay?"
"sweet dreams...okay.
"this isn't a john green book, okay?"
"okay."
"******."

you have brightened up my life, and i am ever so grateful for your smile.

In my dream I'm
holding your hand in class again and
we go over to study at your house and
next thing I know we're on your bed and
then we're both asleep in each other's arms.
Nothing more happened in my dream,
except for the fact that when I woke up in your arms you
pulled me closer, rubbed your nose against mine, and then you
gently kissed my lips.

This dream is all it is--a dream. It will never happen,
but I can't seem to help my mind from wandering.

you say sweet words, but I simply cannot believe them.

you and I,
we sin,
and we love,
yet we die in
all of this
lonlieness.

You make me smile everyday and
I know shouldn't think that this might
go somewhere, but
I cannot seem to not think
about where this could
go.

and as i pass my mirror, i wonder if the girl who i used to see there ever thought she'd become the girl she is now: a monster.

i believe we could just be,
but will we ever be?

Where would you go for the end of the world?

the night sky just isn't the same anymore.

I watch you carefully, wondering how
happiness could be so fleeting and
love could die so quickly.

It's a taste I'd never forget.

there's nothing left but tears from the sky and
blood dripping down my hands

I'm very much in love with my myself.

Do you think I'm stupid?
All of your sweet words and
your good morning texts
won't make me want you
more.

She told me, "just wait. If he wants, he'll call you back."
But why should I wait around all day for someone who cannot seem to take a few moments out of their day to say hello?
I do not have time to waste on those who do not have time for me.
I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not.
I'm too busy to keep thinking that we "could've been" something.
I'm just too busy to think about you at all.

Hope is the very anchor of our soul.

Somewhere in the drug induced haze
I wondered what it is like to feel the
touch of a blade again
and how many times I'd
have to scream "Help Me!"
before I realized nobody was
there to save me from
myself.

Maybe you never cared,
Maybe you only did for a day.
But I guess what I'm trying to say is
I'm too busy to worry anymore.
I'm letting you go
too.

I just want to stop thinking about you for at least a few moments.

I saw what I wanted to see instead of what was right in front of me.

I take sleeping pills every night
and I don't really remember when this started
but I don't think it's such a bad thing.
I like them because they help me fall right asleep and
I don't have to worry about what awaits for me behind my
drooping eyelids.

I'm having such a hard time with how I feel about him.
I just want to know him more, but I don't want to mess it up this time.
I want him to know how incredible I think he is...but the words seemed to escape me every time I was given the chance.
I'm hoping that this week, maybe I'll be lucky enough to be given just one more chance to tell him.

"So you're.....what?"
You looked at me confusedly and
I tried my best not to be worried about
what you might think.
This is who I am,
And I can't keep lying about it.
"I'm Pansexual, yeah."
You took a deep breath,
and then you smiled at me as you grabbed ahold of my hands.
"Tell me more," you said.
And that's how I knew I had made an amazing choice.

"He talked about you all night when we got back to the dorms."
I thought for a second before I replied with a giddy sounding, "Me?"
He laughed and said, "Yes, of course YOU! Y'all talked till lights out and
he couldn't stop saying you were beautiful! Who else would I be talking about?"
I smiled at the thought of him talking to his best friend at two in morning about me as the stars gleamed outside of his window onto his beautifully tanned face.
"So I'm guessing there's something more to come, yeah?" I asked you nervously.
You waited for bit before replying, "I've never seen him like this about a girl before...I'm pretty sure that there's definitely more to come, especially since he can't keep his eyes off of you nor stop talking about you. I guess you'll just have to see."

Even though the future is unclear, I plan on taking whatever is to come one day at a time, and maybe even enjoying these days to come with you. Who knows?

you inched your fingers towards mine
and the rule "No PDA" slipped my mind
and I couldn't seem to help but wonder
what God has in store for us.

You take me in uncharted waters,
and I know things will be okay.

she's next to me
sleeping soundly
and her sweet laugh
is on my mind
swimming around
while I try to sleep
I'm looking for a
girl that I cannot
find.

I'd go to the edge of the universe if it meant that I would be able to show you just how beautiful you absolutely are.

It's all going to end anyways, so why not end it all now?

And I hate to say I love you
When it's so hard for me
And I hate to say I want you
When you make it so clear
You don't want me

I'd never ask you 'cause deep down I'm certain I know what you'd say
You'd say, "I'm sorry, believe me, I love you but not in that way."

And I hate to say I need you
I'm so reliant
I'm so dependent
I'm such a fool

When you're not there,
I find myself singing the blues.
Can't bear,
Can't face the truth

You will never know that feeling
You will never see through these eyes

I'd never ask you 'cause deep down I'm certain I know what you'd say
You'd say, "I'm sorry, believe me, I love you but not in that way."

You'd say, "I'm sorry, believe me, I love you but not in that way."

Yes, I, myself, am lovesick.
I am honest to God sick of love.
Does that make sense?
Love makes me sick in every single way,
And as my skin burns and my bones ache
Because of it, I learn that love is a sickness that
You'll just get over one day.

I don't think that I'd mind the smoke,
I'm used to choking.

my life is a tragedy.
it is something unavoidable...
something i just simply cannot
escape.

would art help me tame this beast or only add fuel to the fury in my fire?