And the thought of you brings me to my knees.
Doesn't matter, I've done it all before.
This is what I live for,
Isn't it?

my first kiss was in a skating rink
with an older boy I barely knew
and my inexperienced tongue
being used to learn a new language.
his kiss made me realize that I might not
be all that straight.
I wasn't ready yet.

my second kiss was in a bathroom at school
my freshman year.
she looked at me as I nervously tried to
kiss her. I wanted it to be perfect, but
I wasn't sure how to do it correctly,
so she stopped me and guided me.
I fell in love with her then.

my third kiss was full of lust.
she and I were both sad for different reasons
and we couldn't stop ourselves.
I was too depressed to care and
God only knows what she wanted to
stop thinking about.
"terrible timing," she said.
I agreed.

my fourth kiss was a boy in a game.
his hands touched all over and I thought
I enjoyed it.
I was wrong.

my fifth kiss was with a girl whom I had been
waiting to kiss for several years.
I snuck her into my house and we talked till
everything went silent and
I knew it was finally time for our
lips to meet.
her lips were soft, and I never properly
thanked her for that kiss.
I was happy.

my sixth kiss was with a boy who stole my heart.
It was on accident, of course.
Not the kiss though, that was completely on purpose.
We technically had two first kisses, I suppose.
The first was in his house and we had
gone upstairs to look at his collection of movies
and then he said something dorky and I said,
"Oh shut up!" And he said, "Make me."
So I did, and I looked at him and I slowly made my
way towards his lips and when our lips met
I had felt something that I had never felt before.
Our second first kiss was in the rain on
the lakefront later that day and
I can't even begin to describe how
kissing him felt in that moment.
It was absolutely beautiful.
He was beautiful.
I was beautiful.
I just wish he'd give me my heart back now,
I miss him and
I am in pain.

To all the people I've kissed before,
I am so sorry.

God, don't leave me too.
I love you, *I love you.

I'm not particularly sad, but oh am I severely depressed.

I remember saying how I just wanted to become the best possible version of myself and I remember being that person about a year ago and then I ruined it, but I had started to pick myself up and put myself back together and then God gave me you and it was like I was that person again, I was starting to become, once again, the best possible version of myself. I had missed the smiles that surfaced on my face during those times and how it felt to be so full and so happy and content and even with the darkness surrounding me, it didn't matter due to how wonderful everything was even with everything else going on. God, do I miss you and that and the way you made me feel like I was going to be something amazing. But I guess it's just time for me to learn how to be that version of myself without someone else by my side. Maybe it's time to be completely alone for awhile.

i'll have to move on one day, and i guess its time to start the process, isn't it?

the salt of the holy spirit will continue to keep me from rotting, because without it, i will surely decompose

you sit across from me
and you try to rub your leg against my own like
we normally would do
but today I cannot look at you
I cannot speak to you
and I wish I didn't have to do this
because I miss you and
maybe I shouldn't miss you
but I do and I'm sorry.
I can't let this go on because I'm so scared that
I'll hurt you and that is the last thing I'd ever want to do.
So for now, I will let you go.
I'm so sorry.

and due to unfortunate circumstances, i woke up this morning.

how many pills does it take again?
just wondering, its for a friend.

i'm going to miss those beautiful blue eyes of yours

This feeling equates to the pain I felt all those years. Why now?

I'm doing what I should've done with her. I'm going to protect you from myself, so I'm saying goodbye. I'm sorry.

Everything would be easier if I were dead.

If I cut open my veins, then the last drops of you would finally pour out.

I'm falling for someone who is absolutely impossible to keep up with.

am i even worth it to you?

i have never felt more of an obligation to slit open my wrists than i do now.

i'd take you as medication, but knowing me, i'd probably overdose on you ever so easily

I could live a hundred lifetimes and never deserve him.

The eyes of many surround me, but all I search for are yours.

If I could be around you for most of my day, I would be.
Because then I'd feel the calmness that washes over me when you're around and my cheeks would hurt in the best of ways -- from smiling too much.

I dream of drugs and blood; I only wish to bleed color-coated pills.

they made me scream today and i didn't feel like myself, but it sure as hell felt like the right thing to do, almost like it has been scratching its way up my throat, trying to escape all the pain and suffering that is condensed inside my chest. I'm like a balloon ready to pop, and I'm simply just running out of the ability to hold these particles inside of me that just want to burst.

You said you wanna be good but you're begging me to come over.

seeing you calms the ever brewing storm inside of me; I've never known this feeling before

And it is always when I doubt you that I feel your presence wash over me like a wave upon a shoreline.

"And even mercy, where conquest is the object, is only a trick of war..."

"Tyranny, like Hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph."

I am satisfied, I am content, I am living, I am breathing, I am trying my best to continue onwards while growing into the person I am meant to become, it's all I can do, it is all that I am.

How lucky am I to be able to wake up hearing your five different alarm clocks each morning?

happiness comes and goes, but misery? oh my darling, *misery always stays.