I find the best way to hurt
is to inhale this precious air and dunk my head in a bathtub
still filling up.
and I can hear the waterfall
I wish to be under
as my ears go under as well,
as my tears dissipate.

Two hands under my legs, pressed against the seat cushion.
They’re red
like angry faces seeing lies all around them.
I hide what makes me tick inside clenched fists.
Black and blue on your
lips-tick, smeared on the wall from
whispering secrets through drill holes
quivering from rage
at the sight of grinding teeth
ready to bite the truth.

he sits
down at the counter
elbows rested on the table and his nails dig into his cheek bones
a woman dressed in black, places herself on the stool next to him
they stare into the coffee mugs put under their noses
he sips the last bit
while she has just started
as he sets the check down and stands up to leave
she grabs him by the arm
and begins to cry
"don't leave"
she pleads
and he takes back his seat
puts his lengthy arms around her
says "it will get better"
without even knowing what's wrong
he's not who she wanted
but she takes the repeating words to heart
stares back down into her cup
and sees every memory
of the one she missed

Only lies told straight into her eyes
But the truth will never come
So the lies don’t come as a surprise
When all is said and done

She picks herself up
And gathers her things
Because now she is off
To a new beginning

And she prays to a God
That isn’t even there
That she will find love
And someone will care

And if she gets lost
On her way through life
There will be a cost
And there will be a fight

But she will hold on
To little hope she has
Look out beyond
And try to be glad

Because everything she needs
Is right there in front of her
All she pleads
Is for the right words

To comfort her

Plastic wrap sealing her mouth
suffocation nearly pleases her
Black holes under water lines
singing herself to sleep
Thinking until she weeps
letting her hands grab her feet
Hugging her legs close to her chest
just to feel comfort
Just to put herself to rest
pillows talk to her
Carving a voice in her head
as she lays down
Cool air flows through the holes
of her ripped jeans
Scabby knees
like rigged bark on trees
Her blanket covers her
still feeling alone
Zero texts on her phone
where is she to go?
When her shoes are now torn
from running away from her
...*problems

Where were you, when the tears fled my body?
Does an "I love you" really patch up all you haven't done. Haven't said.
Have said?
When I fall asleep, will you be gone to go walk in shallow waters?
The deep end too complex for you
The fear of drowning, does it scare you?
How will you know how I feel if you —
don't jump in.

What's to become of this
loneliness.
This excess and motionless
feeling of
What's to become of us two
Our thoughts stay static.

are the lines on your wrists still glowing into the faces of the children who will never understand?
curious
they wonder
and know
you are weak

when the lights turn off in your bedroom
and the covers wrap themselves over your shoulders
around your back
you are safe, but lonely
so you drift to sleep
the lights turn on
and the groans that come from your mouth are sickening
you look sick
you sleep soundly
but the bags under your eyes get larger
packed full of regrets and things you wish you had said
truthfully, every walking animal that roams this rotten earth
is timing their clocks till their remaining days
a death that sneaks up on you without killing you
but it will squeeze your lungs
and slide it's claws through your heart
soon enough your eyes are open
your mind is awake
and people still make you angry
so much that a knife at the sides of your stomach will not fix it
and when you try to pull your finger nails off just to stop biting them
it isn't enough
no pain can reach the immensity of hate
the ghost of vengeance leads me out the gates of hell
and my hidden horns slice the necks of the ones who never took the time to stop their clocks and listen
nobody listens
to the ocean waves coming from the shells in my hair
or the cries coming from the breaking skin we call our own
or the way the cars go by without stopping to take a look outside
at the strangers walking through white snow, catching the bus just to get to a place they call home
listen to the shards and angry scissors that clamp to the fingers of little boys and girls
and the way we eat
hear the chewing of meat from the pigs that screamed
and the minds of the ones who stay quiet
f
  a
     l  
       l  
         i  
           n
              g

into a deep despair
I hide under blanket after blanket
concealing the light
now I wait
for the day
to shut off

By this time you held a rusty hand
who's holding up your dreary mind
a dark one
an old one
this hand that wouldn't crush your thinning bones
but catch your tears before they spill against your toes
It'd take you somewhere far
Somewhere your dreams could never fly you to
A breathtaking dance
from the worn out hand
But every time, it slipped past your palm
left you falling off the rocks
and you were left with just a simple broken hand

you've lost your grip on the cliffs dangling over the earth
you've counted all the stars so now there's nothing left
you've let your love for adventure grab you by the ankles
and pull you under the waters you loved to swim in even when it was pouring down rain and your fingers froze off
come back to the world of small talk and repeating days
you'll be safe while you are young and fly away when you have grown
until then your shoes must stay on

What is this place you talk about?
Grass is greener on the other side
No gray skies and the sun always shines
Animals roam the fields feeling the softness under their feet
Where is the place of greatness?
Stars visible in the night sky
The only noise are the trees talking
Sweet smell of bright flowers fill the air
This place you say is long gone.

Dusk approaches, leaving only the wings of
loving angels to warm a cold room. To warm
the backs of grieving bodies.
Time—falls into our laps. We created it.
It is in our control.
But fingertips slide past us, too soon.
Too fast.
And the clock in the cold room
ticks with our nervous feet
Tapping faster than a heart, beating—
our minds run in streams of tears,
carving scars into our soft cheeks.
Though we still have not yet learned why it happens,
we learn to accept it
never grasping it
Just awaiting white Christmas days and passionate souls
to whisk us into an abyss of fantasy and
facades
Because in times like these, distractions
are all we need.

Photographs,
like drawings on inked skin
the colors fade
as you get older
the days get younger
and the nights get colder
so hold your breath
as agony ripples through your body
don't reach out for sustenance or guidance  
because these photographs are all that's left

I thought the rumble of elephants
chasing me down a path of unknown
would scare me
I thought the skeletons
creeping out of my closet
would scare me
I thought late night walks home with no
shadow to protect me
would send shivers through me
I thought looking into the future
to find what was next
would scare me
I thought nightmares that surpass
the dream catchers grip
would scare me
Who would have known
love
ran right past and swooped in
giving me nothing
but the constant dread
of losing it

I'd love to see the world form a whole new view
Where the flowers bloomed and the trees grew
Where everything had color
Never washed out by the rain
Everyone smiled
And didn't feel pain
Because it seems as though we are more focused on sadness then our happiness
As though we'd rather hurt than to feel warmth
And maybe it's because it's more comforting to feel lonely
Because being happy would be too good to be true
But if we live like this everyday
We will put ourselves away
And won't come out
To see the light
And feel something more then a cold night
Stuck in darkness for life
So if we have a day where no tears need to drop
Maybe life won't be so tough

Rest your head, depression.
Wake up with the intention
to live.

I'm on the ground
head buried between my scabbed knees
And tears keep pouring and pouring not stopping to breathe
I've held myself up for so long
but now the misery has caught back up to me
So all I can do is sit here in my tears and sink

i have watched you grow
under my skin you have left warmth
comforting me for the days when you'd be gone
i have sobbed and let my tears try to bring you back
but things have changed now
i hate this kind of change
you are gone
and the last to go
i cover my mouth
i cant breathe and neither can you
silencing cries
under pillows and under water
my cat searches for you
wondering where you've gone
my dog lays on the last place i saw you awake
and we all sit here
waiting--
my room feels empty
i don't want to be here
the house you slept under
where you ate the leaves of the earth
causes me to crumble
onto my knees down to my feet
i see your paws on the cage bars
and your nose reaching for mine
a friend like you makes me pray for a god
praying for you to come home

Settle down black bird
Broken wings can be fixed and your songs will be heard
Sad souls can be kissed and your eyes won't be blurred
Happiness is missed so your frown will be cured
Settle down black bird
the world is just beneath you

My world is spinning, so fast I can't seem to grip the edge of the sidewalk before I fall into the depths of the universe.
And just when I touch the cement, my fingers start to slip.
And no matter how loud I shout, no one seems to hear.
Walk by, see me grasping on and gasping for a chance to breathe.
But I am left with aching bones and finger tips waiting for someone to help me.

Her skin is ripped not quite pale, but compared to the darkness that  glistens in pure silence down her wrist she is white as a ghost.
She wishes she was one. Invisible and dead.
No one could ever grab her hand again.
No more shivers up her spine because now she feels alone and empty, rattling bones inside her stomach. Heart drooping just like her baggy eyes.
She lays there. Helpless body frozen over by the icy stares they throw at her.
She just wants to be alone. Alone forever.
Oh, but it's selfish to think like this so she'll soon stop thinking at all.

The only pain
 worth feeling
   is your finger
    nails dug deep
     into my heart
      because at least
       I know you're
        still apart of me.

Oh yes, i have left
a stain on my shirt
it's the blood from my heart
i must say
i didn't plan it this way
i tried to wash it away
but the red still drips through my clothes
and my fingers catch the drops
slipping them into my mouth
one
by
one
i mend my heart
with each fall my palms collects

The tree
Poured on by crying clouds
Sliced by loving teenagers
Kissed by the woodpecker
Tickled by the ants
Grounded by the dirt
Chopped by the man
And still ensures we breathe

you'd think she'd know by now
maybe him too
the differences scratching at the end of they're tongues
we're bound to jump out when the silence creeps in


boys and girls
fit together perfectly
until the puzzle pieces go missing
through the vents of another ones heart
I tried
we didn't
he knew a bouquet of flowers
could never, would never
sow up a love that soon might tear apart

one after one
the pedals
she'd pluck
like she pulled out her hair
...fell

does he love me?
does he love me not?
she pulled the flowers off
"forget me nots"
but he forgot her

Poor little girl
drenched in the rain
watching him
now a stranger
a warm body to another

You are the sun and the moon
that wrap around my wrists
as you, walk me
to a place of pure happiness
The light that shines through your smile
guides me to safety
You are the beauty in everyday I live
The toes that curl in the dirt will always be ours
The songs we chirp to the birds will carry on
as you walk by
the roads we talk on, always let yourself find me
For you are my light and I am yours
I treasure the gold you have filled in my veins
but we as one are priceless

You have welcomed me home
though i'm not able to step past the door quite yet
you've invited me in, but i still stand a vampire
i want you to soak in misery before i take off my shoes
feel how I felt for days on end
i'll untie my shoe laces and take off my coat
but i will not fall back into your embrace
quite yet

I would not wake up to a thousand blue jays chirping into
my window
With their wings flapping and beaks
tapping,
pecking at my last nerve.
I would not wake to the sun screaming
at me,
burning the skin that
portrays me.
If I looked out past the glass, I’d
see the green of the moss tucked between the pavement
It sleeps the way I wish to.
And the garbage trucks,
who shake the floor army ants
march on
Would not wake me to see the new day
And if I opened an eye and didn’t see what there was to live for,
then my window would shatter and
the birds would lift me by their claws and
show me what it’s like to fly
And I would soar over mountain tops, but
only wonder
what it would be like to fall into the forming avalanche below.
As I fall
my head smashes into my pillow
and I would lay there until
pots and pans are struck together,
yet I haven’t heard anyone telling me to wake up.

How simple are we
how simple is she
glorifying glowing wrists, soon letting his lips kiss
this is ridiculously tragic
to say the love of one falls with another
she or me
whom will you pick, dear
pick quick
because I'm going fast
this face
this body
this little voice
this mystery has left
this treasure chest has closed on up
but there never really was any gold, no answers were to erupt.
A fraud
you have skipped upon
over me like the placid lake I am

Sometimes, when the air gets too cold between my lips,
I bury them into the palms of my hands.
And sometimes when I forget I am not alone,
I begin to let go and let go and let go.
My body begins to echo across the rocky walls of my world.
Bashing and clashing back and forth. A blodied body begging for more, no safe word in this unkept, ruthless condition I have brought upon myself. I lay here on stone, on rocks shaped like shark fins breaking through skin.
I begin to end.

I wish I was raised by trees
They could love
Dance with me in the wind
The Fall would drop their leaves onto my head
So I'd know someone was there pouring happiness on to me
Walking through forests
Branches hand in hand
What a lovely thing
I just love trees

the man
he knocks
repeatedly raps at the door
all through the night
tick tock
he wakes me up
don't open the door
he's a stranger
a disease
a pest
get off your knees
tip down the stairs in a robe made of silk
it's cold but it covers
slip on your slippers
the floor is cold
your hands are cold
his presence is cold, chilling

you walk through the kitchen
now you're at the door
look through the peep hole
do you see the man
the stranger
just a soul
a ghost
open the door,
slowly
you grab the handle
and turn
tick tock
your mind is turning
fists clenched to white
there
the man
he stands
intently
waiting for you to flinch
although you can't move

afraid

the man
he puts a hand to your cheek
and you choke
and you freeze
and every slit on your skin begins to bleed
somehow he has a hold on you without the force

this man
who is he
just a memory
someone to love
or the darkness you keep
hidden under your tongue
there he is
puts his lips so very gently to your ear
and speaks words ever so faintly
you cross your arms and grab your elbows

scared

or confused
the man
the monster
the beautiful figure
who is he
tick tock
quickly make up your mind
stay or go
the knocks
they continue
pull the covers close to you
stay warm
inside
a house that will only keep you safe for so long
the man
he stands
across from you
he stares
but not in your eyes
only your body
no matter how many blankets you hide yourself in
he is there
watching
and he sees past your intelligence
the man
who gave you more warmth then the mattress on your bed
knocks at your door now
every night
you were just a little bird before
now you've flown with the flock of crows
****** is what's written on your forehead
but still
he
never
goes
away.

Let the arms of fathers and mothers, sisters and brothers
circle into swirls of laughter
like whipped cream sitting on top of a child's smile
Grab hold of the grass swaying with the arms of the old woman in a white skirt that sways with her tousled hair
touch your toes and feel summer sun reach with you
dance with dark shadows
watch the moon fall into deep sleep
while stars blink their eyes shut
and the morning dew await to arise

So casual you are
my skin is peeling from the heat of my anger
hands turn to fists
And you see me smiling like all the good times
throwing knives into your eyes will just be in my head
For now
I pretend
to be nice

he wastes
no time,
finds
no light
in the sun,
quiet tempered,
feels the temperature rise within.
that blazing star holds
no importance,
no longer.

Spare me your words
I have heard it all
Spare me your feelings
You have spilled out enough
Here's your jar
Plop your wishes and wants in it
Send it down the rapids
Let your emotions go with it
I told you to let it go, let me be
It's time for you to smash your heart on the concrete
Leave the pieces on my door step
I will put them in my own box and drown it in the river
You will drown with it
See, this love wasn't only about you
I was pushed into it too
I will watch the light die out from your eyes
Goodbye I will say
I'm at the seventh step of grief
Acceptance.
But can I truly accept your apology?

There is someone who appears uninvited.
I ask this stranger to leave, but my leaves turn to pleads of please  
don't leave me now, dear.  
Fall down, follow me.
We are pebbles being split apart by a child's amusement of
hearing the echos and seeing the ripples at the bottom of a well.
Well, here we are drowning together...oh, she has not let go of you yet.
I drown alone. And you enjoy a life worth living.
This is fair.

If you stay on the bus long enough, you almost give yourself enough time to think
With each passing car and each passenger who scurries on by your seat
with all the distractions it's hard to think, but easy to write
look at the way he carry's himself brave and selfless
she doesn't speak a word as he offers her a seat
Thank you to the man with dark skin who dares to be kind.
And the lady with the loud jacket and a hat from 1950
she stares at her phone just like everyone else
we all sit here with earbuds in and headphones on
phones in our laps sitting next to the snoring homeless man
and I will be the only one writing
the only one listening
people are strange
some of us are sticks stuffed into marshmallows
or we are just twigs
one hour later as I arrive to my destination
we get off and the others crowd on
and I walk away with a new mind each time my body steps off the bus