I hate you; I hold you accountable, I hold a grudge against you

But

My hate expires, the accountability fades, my grudge becomes forgotten.

Why?

Because the time I can hate you can only last for so long

It was never my nature to despise you

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I still can respect you, help you, befriend you

But why do you hate me?

Hold me accountable?

Hold grudges against me?

Why am I hated on when I never hated you?

Why do I hate you?

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Why am I different than you?

Is it because I’m weak? Insignificant? A loser?

Because maybe I am

And I feel those traits seep through the already cracked image

As I cry myself to sleep

And maybe

Just maybe

I’m scared to show my true emotions: my anger, sadness, terror to you

Why?

Because why should I

Why should I show my emotions to someone who hates me

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Is my ethnicity a problem? My opinion? My public presence here around you something you hate?

Is this opinion of me taken overly by me?

Maybe

But there’s always a reason

Why.

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Maybe I look confident, strong, brave. But that’s because society will only accept me like that

Society morphed me on what the public eye approves of.

But it’s only a mere shell that protects me.

I would love if those traits actually describe ME

But they don’t

And they never will

And whenever a crack appears, and you poke it

It breaks

It shatters into a million pieces

Years of my suppressed self-image, my hidden emotions, my fears and dark secrets flood out

And you can make laugh at them as they spread like wildfire everywhere

It doesn’t matter in the end if I rebuild my shell

Because the damage is done

But you don’t know how it feels because you were never hated on

Because you hold your self-image higher than me

It is worth more value than me

Because you are pretty, popular, well known

As I

I am quiet, scared, sensitive, afraid, desperate, lonely

And I know I have help

I have friends, family, teachers

Who all love and support me

But my shell is already cracked

From your hate

Your grudge

And I could never fight back

Because you have so much more than me

You were already socially accepted

You didn’t have to change

I could never fight back

Because I’m scared of going through the cycle again

Bringing all the support down with me

Hurting them

Because of that stupid crack

In my shell

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And I know

Why you hate me

And I can understand why you chose me

Because you thought I could handle the blows, the threats, the hate you give to me

But I can’t

Because I was never made like that

I’m weak

I’m the different person in the crowd

I'm a different ethnicity

The only fighter,

That would only stand up to be pummeled down by their own self image

Of your wrath of hatred

Because you wouldn’t care of what I did to you

The help

The support

You only wanted to preserve your self-image

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That's why I

Hate you

Hold you accountable

Hold a grudge on you

Even if time is going to swipe it all away

I will still remember

That you believe your self-image is more important than the weak shell of a person

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But maybe

Just maybe

If I could share the story of hate

About self-perseverance

About the bias society

Then maybe

They'll understand

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