I see you in my nightmares
Every Time I close my eyes to sleep
I wake with your face imprinted on my eyelids
Awoken with sweaty palms and fear in my throat

I thought I was over it, I thought I was finally okay again. Then all of the sudden it's like the night it all happened hits me in the chest and knocks me off my feet. Losing my ground and the air in my lungs, I forgot how to breathe. And I'm sitting in my room as I try to write this down, and I know it isn't good enough. Everything seems wrong to say and all the words are making me drown. I want this world to end, but just for me, I want to see all the life in everyone else's eyes except mine. I don't deserve this world, it was never mine to deserve. And now that I'm staring at this screen trying to make all these words make sense. Maybe I'm trying to say goodbye, or hello for the first time. I haven't made up my mind yet. But I guess what's happening is that all this pain is built up inside my heart and I wake up to realize that it's never going away, I thought I was okay but I'm such a liar.

Please don't rip your heart out trying to save mine.

There's an old saying I like, "you don't know what you have until it's gone."
I didn't know I had the man of my dreams in the palm of my hand and I let him go, for a reason I don't care to admit. But a year later, somehow the universe is on my side, and he traveled his way back into my lonely life. Meeting me with deep brown eyes and a smile full of sadness I finally rested my lips upon his and the world grew silent. Fear of losing and fear of falling I walked slowly. He took my breath away with once glance in my direction,
I knew there was this deep intimate connection. It was love at first sight they might say, I would agree but love is uncertain unconditional unreal. I felt a pain of loss when I walked away from him the very first night, so I promised myself I'd never say goodbye. Because ****, I can't tear myself away.

I was the type of person
To grasp onto things to tight
The kind of girl who never told her secrets
And kept her mouth shut
So pain couldn't seep into her crevices
Unable to release my grip
Even when it didn't seem right
My fingertips would ache
But I thought it was worth the pain
I used to overthink everything
That if I lost something
I would lose pieces of myself
Then suddenly I would become someone
My heart didn't even recognize
When I lost myself upon the sea
I thought the ocean would slowly drown me
Instead, just like an angle gets its wings
I started to lift
From under the deep ocean floor
I rose from the dead outside my grave
And although the walls were caving in
I started to breathe again
When all is lost, I thought I was the girl who couldn't find her voice
Who was to afraid and full of fear
To tell you her deepest regrets.
I have come to realize
That she was me,
But I am filled with life
Still holding on a little to tight.

Oh how I miss you.
Your sweet brown eyes
The smile you give me when I'm staring at you for to long.
The way you tell me about your day and how it all got better because you got to hear my voice.
I miss how you touch me and everything seems just fine.
Your dimple on the left side of your cheek when I tell you I love you.
The way you hold my hand and kiss me
Just the way I catch you looking at me from the corner of my eye.
God I miss you.

Staring at you, you look like the rest of my life, in one body.