It's been a while
from when the bright sun first
rose into my heart
Replacing my thirst

But night soon creeps
And loneliness does wrap
It's hands round my neck
and sinks claws in my lap

My need for blood comes
As waterfalls fly
Deep down in my pillow
My concience it cries

I silence them all
Monsters neath my bed
Monsters in the corner
Monsters in my head

I don't often find
sharp edges
on you.
It's startling
to see how easily
those harsh words
mean everything.

That time it was you
and I
recall
a few other times that
you were the cause

Just cause
I pretend so easily
doesn't mean
they don't
cut straight into me

You're not an enemy
But sometimes
the result is just the same.

Strange,
Making you a "failure"
is as filled with guilt
As making him one.

I sat with him in that small cottage
His lips were soft and sweet and so familiar...
His eyes said he loved me
But I saw something else.
Concern.
Worry.
He said I must be tested.
To stay here, I must pass.
I grew nervous
And frightened
He said not to worry,
H would help me.
And after one last kiss
Hi sface grew dark an dtold me I must follow him.
And not stop for anything.
We ran past the blue hills and soon I heard screaming
A woman in agony, in pain, in fear
"They're going to **** me!" I hear her wail
"Help me!"
I chased him as he gained speed
My face burning
My heart stabbing
My shoes clumsy.

I do not think he knows where he is going,
he made a mistake,
didn't take me the right way
For I hear her voice grow louder
And we must be running toward her.

And as he rounds the corner ahead of me
There she is, coming from the right.
My heart stops as her burnt pale face wails at me
Her balding head and tattered dress
I try to run faster but she cuts me off
And reaches her burnt arms towards me

And I'm awake.

What would have happened if I had passed?
Would I still be there in that happy place,
Where I had everything I could ask for?
Because everything was so unreal when I awoke
I was still stuck in the fairytale.
Would I still be there?
Would I be lost in my fantasy,
everybody's dream?
Would I be released?

To have him be like you were
To have him care about me more than about himself
For him and I to share our own little apartment
Own little bed
For it not to be impossible to live with him without bickering
To have a grip on who I am
And not have to give up anything or anyone
To not be angry with my mother
And have my lip pierced.
For college and the future not be be some scary thing.
To know a direction to take.
He could have those posters on his wall
We wouldn't have to smoke
Or drink for that buzz
That erases the sting.
For him staying through everything
To not be the
Base good thing
Or to have you here still
Never have left
Still dreaming of something
As simple as December walks
And waking up with the sun.

To lie beside you every night
Held in your arms as I fell asleep
Woken with the late morning rays
And your smile
Spending our early days
Laughing
Playing piano together, for one another
Talking walks in the brisk early December air
Holding hands
And walking our black lab.
Trying to manage and get by
With our

My god,
Has no name
My god,
Plays no v.i.p. game
My god
is not wrathful or angry or jealous
My god
Is understanding and wise
It knows that good and evil are tied
My god
Is all-knowing, all-loving,
but not all-powerful.
My god
Chooses not to control
And is all for the experience.
My god
Doesn't care if you go to church, or pray, or "spread the word"
My god
Is everything,
Good and bad
My god
Is beyond human emotions
And does not ****
My god
Lets you live your life
Lets you live your experience
And my god
Would never
Send me
Or anyone else
To hell.

My nightmares
Are not the ones with ghosts and goblins
Not the ones with anger or even fear
No, my nightmares
Are the ones
Where you look me in the eyes,
Smile at me,
Take my hand
And lead me back to happiness.

I cannot get a grip upon
Who I used to be
Why'd you have to go do a thing like that?
I am so confused
As to why you thought
You were better with me gone
Why couldn't you tell me the truth?

Why would you say all of those things
of forever and promise and love
Up until the very last day
Why would you say those things
When you thought almost everyday of breaking me?

"I'll always be there for you"
How could you say that
Just as you were letting me go,
Pushing me away?
When you weren't at the very time??
Is she that much better?
What makes her so when you told me I was perfect?

But that is a lie.
And you knew it from the very start.
The first time I irritated you or hurt your feelings
How could you do something like that
To someone you truly loved?
You couldn't.

If some things were lies
Who's to say others weren't as well
Who's to say all were not?

How could you lie
As simply as that
Or did you simply just not know?
How could you leave
As simply as that
Or did you simply just not care?

And ever since that dark Wednesday
Your kiss is flat and empty
Maybe you'll never be coming back
Maybe you'll never come to save me

I am constantly reminded of you sourly-choiced absense
And I will not forget
The feeling I would get with one kiss

And every night
And every day
I dream about our past
Why can't these demons let me go to sleep?
Why can't you come back to save me?

This day is taking
months to pass
Cause every new day
Is just like the last
Every dream
that I have
Is hitting repeat
and I have no choice
but to follow my feet
down the
exact same path
the exact same laugh
comes out of my mouth
And I have to
strain for ideas
drain them until
they won't come out
What's all this about?
a smile means
about as much as a frown
The days they drown me
with their continuous
                     ongoings
       where am I going?
           where have I been?

this is all the same
            **NEW GAME

Remember how you told me
that even after
That you wanted us still
to talk?

And now here we are
In the silence.

   Why do they always say that?

In the night
I dream of being happy
I dream of meeting you again,
That you are still the same
Somehow you have still held your love for me
Somehow,
My faith is restored in this world.
A world where I can touch you,
hold you,
kiss you, like I once did
Is a world I will never again take for granted
We lay and talk
Reveal our innermost secrets
I smile and
You smile.

And I open my eyes
Back to this ******* reality in which I live
Where I don't know you anymore
And you're never coming back for me
The world where you left me behind
In the dust.
Why must you haunt me like this?
Just as I begin to get up on my hands and knees
You com in the night
Push down upon my back,
Push me back onto my belly

How does on e move on
With such weight upon them?

substances won't solve your problems
all them start from where you got them
all them end from where you shy from
you're alone cause
you call no one

no spine
means no adequate help
you always fall
back on yourself
**** your health
you're the only one to die for

scrawl the words that say

NO MORE
NO MORE
NO MORE

I don't know why
But sometimes I
Just feel like I can't breathe
Sometimes certain somethings
make me lose my inner peace
A feeling comes into my chest
Almost feels like it's not beating
I have to take a deep breath
And remember you're still with me

When I get into those funks
After hearing a sublime song,
Or hearing something about junk
Or just sitting in my head too long
I must be careful, must be cautious
Cause sometimes it makes me nauseous
And to keep from crying too much
I just remember that there's
No Such Thing As Dying

To be with the one I want
I can't see you everyday.
Only thing I can do is walk aimlessly
Maybe you don't want to see me
I'm so lost
Maybe I shouldn't see you
It's so hard
Can't hear your voice
I'm stuck.
"I'm falling, falling for you babe"
More and more each day.
Follow my heart?
Well it pulls me to you
I am not allowed to follow
Where it leads me to.
You've got me by the heartstrings
And they're pulling with each step
I think I'm going crazy
Going crazy

It hurts to remember
I want to forget
But every time I think of letting go
I feel lost and confused
Like life is nothing without even a thought of you.
Want to wallow in mourning
In yearning, in pain
Rather than forget your face.
It was nothing
I am nothing to you anymore
Why are you still part of me?

I am nothing more
than a ring you want to wear
A burden
        you must bear
               Those painful memories

I am nothing more
than a tail you want to chase
the warmth
        of an embrace
                Your lustful enemy

I am nothing more
than a name you want to shout
The wanderer
          to your devout
                Your hidden self

I am nothing more
than a book you don't want to read
a stranger
          you don't see
                 Your dusty shelf

But you are everything to me
   And I can't see
      how you can
            ignore your heart
   I don't understand
      why you find it so necessary
  that we spend so many
              hours apart

Numbers on the paper
Fall flat inside my head.
I can't seem to calculate
a single word he said.

Algebra's not much my style.
You cannot write a book
with numbers, fractions, percentages
of which I would want to look.

My father's big on math sense.
His goal to make me see
the greatness of these numbers
which, simply, cannot be.

So sit up in front, if you wish,
I'll take a seat in back.
Hiding behind Big Joe
With a book laid in my hands.

It hurts
When you don't talk
It hurts
When you don't touch
It hurts
When you're first on my list
But I'm only seventh or such
It hurts
When you don't care
Or even seem to like it
When I'm not there
It hurts
when you give your day away

She says there is always someone
Who loves the most and someone
Who loves the least
And
I believe her

Cause it hurts
When I come second
Or
You don't bother
To think about me
It hurts
That I love the most
And it hurts
That you love the least

Want to hold you so close
But I'm stuck, they say
Love one but not both
I cannot seem to love that way

I miss both of you with
so much intensity
how can you compare
two beautiful souls
two human beings?
Choose?
Why must I pick what feels wrong
Even though
It is what feels right?
Because the other feels just
as wrong.

Maybe I'll bury my head underwater
Try not to think
About decisions
As bubbles escape
from my nose.



Cannot settle on
Such shaky surfaces.

He told me he loved me
As you took your last breath
Maybe if I loved you
You wouldn't have left
You wouldn't be dead
But that's a silly thing to say
Because it wouldn't make a difference
I wouldn't be able
to fix that voice in your head
Couldn't tear down your defense
Before things started spiralin'
Maybe if we could have fixed...

Look at what you've started
Now, just look at what you've done
Who the **** do you think you are, little girl,
That you can go make a mess of things

Restart the counter,
Countdown the clock
Start another round
Pain ******

Look at the **** you cause

The fire you continue to fuel

Was it worth it?

Feel the weight of the world fall down on you
The pain of the past
Running through your head
But it's good for you
These tears are good for you
They are a reminder of a lesson learned,
A life destroyed.
Our unhappy family
Suffered in silence
Because of one choice,
One decision

"When we were all in heaven, I'm glad you chose to be part of our family."

I would never choose that kind of pain
And I know you were lying
You would rather have your perfect dreams
And you never let us forget that.

And maybe that's something I'm thankful for
Because I can never forget
The mistake you both chose to make.

I would not live with myself
If I voluntarily put my daughter in that danger,
If I were to give her anything but the best life I could give her.

You are not a stranger,
No
I know your face quite well.
I still remember
your heartbeat
As I tried desperately
to hold all the blood
inside your heart,
Tried to keep you
from falling apart.

I never succeeded.

My fingernails only cut
more holes into your delicate skin.
All your tears
Only caused me to
Slip and fall,

I had to run
to keep you from stealing it all-
I cannot pretend
as if
none of this happened
I must remember

how I had to expel
parts of you
from deep within myself.
How your pain left me with scars.
Love is not the only thing
that leaves marks.

And my nails are still too sharp

To hold your fragile heart.

Look under the board
Turn over the pieces
You know my agenda
But what game are you playing?

The sun is shining brighter
My smile's starting to grow
This load isn't so heavy
I'm just a  traveler with no place to go

Wanderer
But why not enjoy the trip
You've seen what life does
You know what love is
Just continuing in a changing direction

following the path I'm digging

But I want to know

Where's your path going?

If I could pause time I would
Pause reality
Pause facts.
Pause jobs, and homework,
And class.
Pause all but me and you.
I would.
If we could live our lives uncensored, unnoticed
Just together
For however long we please
The unpause
And you got to being you
And me back to being me
I would.

Sometimes people come into our lives
At the wrong time
You either make room for them
(No matter how uncomfortable)
Or you push them aside.

I am lost.
I do not know where
You fit
In this hectic life of
Mine.

I stand and take
Every sting
And let the poison
Ripple through me
With every harsh word
You mean
I take the poison
Very thoroughly
My heart is breaking
With each blow
My body's aching
For your love
But there is one thing
You should know
These silly blows
I'll rise above
I'll stand up tall
And take each sting
Each day they'll hurt me
Less and less
Till the poison no longer stings me
And there is no ache
In my chest

Talk my demons down
Till I can't hear them
How many times have you told me
That you just wanted me to **** him
Whatever game this is we're playing
I'm not sure I know the rules
You tell me the one way to win
Is the way that I lose.

Why am I thrown in this cat and mouse hunt?
I've told you time and again
I would leave if you please
But now my mind's wound up in circles
I'm left on my knees

I've read the instruction manual
         So many times
But the pieces still won't fit

Tell me
I don't know your mind
**You have to tell me

Tomorrow
    I will see you
         every second that passes
                                                   is a joy
                An empty space that I
                                   no longer sit in
                                          with fear
    I embrace the empty moments
             for being full of potential
                                 you cannot write words
                      if the paper is full
    if there is no hole in my heart
        there is no room for you
                                       to fill
         you cannot have the
                          amazing capability
                                    that you do
               if there were no wrong
                                  for you to right
           see the darkness
                           not as your enemy
                   but only the opportunity
                                       for light
I hate these agonizing seconds
but my dear

I only know loneliness
so that I may
rejoice when you are here.

I think it's starting to tip
into the realm of unhealthy,
possibly dangerous.
I've always been wary
of the edge
but this time
I see myself leaning,
I see myself teetering
Making decisions
I very soon regret
That I want to forget
But I can't
and I shouldn't
because these could be the moments
That keep me in check
I need to keep me in check
or the ending
could be
disastrous.

The greatest joy and love
And the greatest sorrow
Why can I not have you?
"I want to share my life with you."
Why can't I?
Why does life have to be so cruel?
Why does my one true enemy
Have to be my one true love?
Like some modern day Romeo and Juliet,
Our love cannot last
Our love will end too soon.
I guess I am blessed
To have you for such a short time,
To have you once, at least.
But to be so cruel as to take you way,
Am I ever to escape this fate?
Is there any way this love story
Does not end in tragic tales and tears?
Is there any way this love would work?

Because I love you
And I don't want to live without you.
I want to share my life with you.
But can it be
A life without misery?

You said you would always be there to catch me
Whenever I fell
Well where are you now
When I'm falling so far?
Where are you now
When I'm falling
without you?
You said to not stress about anything
To let you worry for me
Then why did you unload
All this pain onto me
Where are you while I am worrying?

I figured out the puzzle
that had a big picture of
the world on it
I put it
back inside it's box
And I put it in my closet
So I can peek at it
Now that it's all whole
You should see the light it glows

What inside your pocket
keeps you chained to this ground?
the things you identify with
Help you understand your
surroundings
otherwise your mind would
float above the ground

So put the puzzle in the box
And put it in the closet
You can put it next to my **** stash
If you know where to find it

Make up your mind,
use your own device
See with your eyes
Uncover what other things
they've blinded
Like with religion
they try to keep it hidden

Reveal the secret

Are these drugs really doing bad
     Or are they good?
Haven't you seen the smile on my face
Have you not heard my song?

The words you left behind to
           strangle me,
           smother me
I can't get them to stop showing up in my mind
"I don't hate you..."
Are you still really that blind?
Do you still think I'm some damsel
waiting to be saved
But if you're not the hero,
This must be a tragic love story.
In your own mind,
You must have kept
a fabulous character for yourself.

Truth be told,
     I miss you.
The way you used to overwhelm me,
Touch me, kiss me,
how you could chase all my demons away

Where is that simplicity now?

I don't know if I'm good for you
I don't even know if I'm good for myself
My underwater current
Could cause your mind's hell
I don't know how to control this
river spilling out of me
Above, below, inside of me
Sometimes it's too hard to even breathe
Other times I can ride the river's flower, make it slower
Make my heart beat softer
But it's really hard when
I'm holding my own
head underwater
When the dopamine level dips
So does my mind's trips
to the moon and the stars
And even the sun where
Everything is one
And not even these simple words matter
But when the high's done
My body need some oxygen
Some nourishment
Which is hard when all your money's spent
On the next trip to the canyon
On when you can get high again
Be closer to source
Because I can't control my own force
When my soul still needs me to free a caged bird
or a third
have you heard?
I'm legally insane
or at least I would be
If they knew how to read my brain
this pain
this insatiable thirst
to get what I want
and erase all this hurt
But it's like a bad taste in my mouth
that won't come out
It tastes like cigarettes
Sitting in a bottle of water
That I swallowed even still
So I could take a sleeping pill
Maybe I can just escape
this place for a little while.

Red lines running through my
       mind all day
I cannot make them


                go away
   cannot let the thoughts
                  sink in
Like a razor in my skin


Cannot let them win

I love you, my dear
but you impose so much sorrow
my heart cannot take
the weight
of us both.
Twice the emotions
Twice the concern
Duplication the annoyances
but
Splitting
the happiness
the love
now explain, my dear
how is that fair?
can't you ever help lift my weight
I won't stay
if you cannot bear your own soul
because mine is a dry
barren desert
The only oasis
are in moments of forgetfullness

And now I play the opposite role
Read from the opposite script
You read the lines that once were mine
And I'll read his.

How did I become this part
The liar, sneaker,
The one who loves less
And you became who I was once
The one who
Accepted second best.

I couldn't stand the way he was,
But loved him still
You cannot help the things you do,
The way you feel

How do I go on this way
Practicing these lines.
I look into these empty eyes
And see him inside

Recite with me these endless lines
Play the timeless role
We play these all too familiar parts
In our own love show.

Most of the
time it's forgotten.
But in times
like this I am
reminded.
I wish you could
come
but you "can't",
wish I wasn't
a secret
but I
"must be".
I am reminded
that we
don't have a
normal, free
relationship
and we never
will.

The thoughts
like little barbs against my skin
trying still
to claw their way in,
to leave their marks.

Little pains
that never come to be
they have to get past me-
and the person
that I have learned to be

they don't know
how I've grown

They don't understand.

Or maybe I
am the one
underestimating them

They may get in
when my
resolve has
fallen too low
for it has been known
to do so
Maybe I'll buckle
Maybe I'll kneel

But until then

I will just feel
the knocking at the door,
Insisting

On me giving in,
taking that sharpness

to my skin,

feeling

Pain.

Welcome yourself baby
to my mind roller coaster
We've posted all the characters
on these specific posters
Put on the outfit;
Same one you wore last time
Play your part
Say your lines
Scripts are underneath your seats
And trust me, it's easier
for you ladies and gentlemen
If you play your parts
Correctly and exact at ever line
Put on those smiles, work as you whistle,
Or you'll start to fall behind.
Eat everything we give you
It will come through
from these slots

We apologize good
"lords and ladies" there art no restraints
In thine seats.
Our deepest apologies
to those who happen to fall.

Now the time limit is different
For everyone in here
Bottom line its:
Your mind will be ****** with.

Are you ready for this ride??

"If you only knew all the love that I found,
It's hard to keep my soul on the ground."

Oh how cliche to say
that you are my Romeo and I am your Juliet.
But that's as close as I can get to describing this dilemma
Without describing my parents.

You are beautiful.
Inside and out
Whether you choose to believe it or not,
I will convince you of it.
You are the most wonderful thing.
And honestly I think I can tell the difference now
So don't tell me I'm wrong.

Why do I have to find you so perfect?
Why does this have to be so perfect?

Why do you have to leave so soon?
Why do you have to commit to
the one thing I hate most in this world?
I cannot be with you forever
no matter how I want to.
No matter how I'd love to.

Because I can't ruin your life,
my own,
and my future family's.

How cruel a world, making me let you go
"For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo."

Sit and wait for the world to crumble
Lie in waiting for the sky to fall

I hate anticipation
And I hate not knowing
When it will all be gone.

"I think I'm gone next week."
And darkness is cast upon my day
I need you
I love you
Please don't leave me

This might be the last time I get to be close to you
Might be the last time I see your true face
Before they shower you in lies
And take your true face away.

You think you're the only one who has to worry,
you're the only one
who'll have to pay

But I know for a fact
That they'll give you a mask
And you'll change.

I don't wan to have to go through this again
Look into a friend's eyes
and see a stranger
Look into their heart
and not understand its beating.

I want you to stay.

These scarlet tears
They shrink the lies,
The pain that's crept its way inside

They hide the dark,
Make me not see.
Even when it sits right next to me

These scarlet tears
They shut my eyes
Thye silence sobs and muffle cries

Don't you know
They're my escape
From my so-called life
That is so fake

These scarlet tears
Dearly beloved friends
They'll stick with me till my decided end...

I keep trying to rewind
back through the track
connected to my eyes
try to find the sight
of you
trying to re-see
when you were right in
front of me
re-feel your warmth,
your frame,
your scar
try to wind back
I don't know if I've lost it
the way your kiss felt,
the comfort you once brought me

these ghosts that wander
through my house
I can hear their
padded footsteps
I must remember
the way those feet
once felt so good against
my own
the touch that was
an immediate reaction
I must find
all the little pieces of
these things I don't remember
and can't forget

So I can sew them together
And set them free.
And accept that I will never again see
the scarred boy from my memories

I spent this morning
giving myself a beating
about my face
            my hair
            my body
pinching pieces of fat
to find the one
that makes you not want me
then
I could take forbidden blades
and cut myself down
to the size
You wanted to feel inside
Your hands
to become the molded object
You would like to hold
again.

At first she caressed me like her lover:
He held me in his arms and I forgot the world.
The only thing that existed
Was where he and I were touching,
All else was black.
The only moment that existed in time
Was where he and I were kissing.
There would be no before and there would be no after.

Then she lied to me like a distant friend:
Telling me nothing existed.
Nobody else in the world but he and I.
That where I was was not where I was.
And when I was, well,
She told me time did not exist.
And I believed her.

She put her hand around my throat and squeezed:
I relived my life every second, speeding back up to this one.
I was another person, some older woman
I lived simultaneously through my entire life
Being everything and nothing.
As if running out of air my body twitch and tweaked and jumped-
He told me, "Shhh, calm your breathing."
But I hardly heard him.
"Try to go to sleep."
But I didn't know what sleep was.
The only thing keeping me slightly tethered
To this earth, to this time
To existence
Was focusing on him
Feeling where our bodies touched
Kissing him-
But he told me
"Try to go to sleep."
And turned his head away-
"Try to go to sleep."
And at some point
I did.

Lucy opens my mind once again,
freeing it from the box it was locked in
She whispers in my ear
The secret of the universe
of everything
But it scares me

I'm on the brink of no reality
Of the fact that the world is a dream
And that everything fits perfectly

Call it to you
Bring it to you
Let me bring you up to speed

reality is all a dream
everything is everything
is nothing
And you'll find this to be true
Once you give up on the grievances
And let the lovin' take a hold of you

Be free
Unlock your mind with this set of keys
figure out how to break past your sanity
Let yourself breathe

Figure out how to turn the key
Make it used to your advantage
Go to the place where nothing makes sense
Embrace the insanity.
Embrace and look past it

Use it
Remember it in every moment
That your world is really just your own
You make it what it is to be
You are the creator
or your own existence
Embrace it

There's so much more for you to understand
But not just with your mind
You must experience
So here
Take this key
And break down that fence

Free your mind from that box
it is trapped in.