This is a haiku
Of how much I hate your class
*****, I'm outta here!

I wish I had a friend
who would come and sit
who could listen to my stories
instead of talking a mile a minute
too consumed in her own drama
born from someone else's pain
to even hear me scream.

One more hit, one more drink
And you'll forget the pain
If you feel that little stab
Well, down the hatch again
You cannot ignore reality
Dreams only make the pain increase
So take this pill, accept this life
You can do that at least
You don't have to be happy
But you don't have to be sad
Just chill and accept your life
Take this medicine, it will make you feel better
Let it numb you
It will create a reality
Where the past does not exist
It will create a world
Where your emotions aren't overwhelming
Where you can just be,
Free of yourself
And everyone else
Free of worry of time and noise
Free of pain, of love, of choice
You are free of caring if he's there or not,
If he was at all,
That he is not enough.
You are free of the darkness, my friend
But don't let this fool you,
It is not light.

"I want you to think about how many
more chances you have."
And at that point
I realized
that at some point
it will be one time too many
And you will decide
You're better off
and turn away
from me.
All these days I have been
believing that we
will stick it out no matter what.
Now
I realize
that is just me.

Well no wonder
You don't stand up
for me
and keep me
a secret.
Now I believe
that's all
I ever will be.

I cannot willingly walk the same broken path that she did
I cannot place my own feet
Into her worn out, ****** shoes
My feet feel to flee so far away.
This path I cannot choose.
For I was shown
That love is not enough
When it comes to them and their religion
Love is not all you need

I cannot destroy my own future
Throw away my happiness
Both of us miserable,
Hiding in the shadows
How can that sound good at all?

I love you,
I do.
And I would like nothing else more than to live a happy, long life with you

But I cannot marry your beliefs
And because of that
I cannot...

Give up and say
So much for 'happily ever after'!

The last little glimmer of hope dies
The one I've been trying all day
not to keep alive.
And after it
comes a giant wave of disappointment.

This is why
I try to ****** my feelings.
Bury them alive,
Bury them deep.
I don't know how to deal
with the grief
when they die violently
in front of me.
Other than writing eulogies
that no one reads.
Create gravestones
that no one visits
but me.

my lips can
touch
in such a way
with yours

makes this
a beautiful place to be.

I look all around,
Surrounded by darkness,

What led me here again?

Now I am more alone than ever,
Where did you go?
Where have you been?

someday you'll sleep through the morning
return this night owl to darkened trees
until then you are stuck
chasing dreams with broken feet

Something has changed.
Something is gone.
Sadness has faded
But I fear so has my self-worth,
My true me,
My control.
I said I wanted to be happy
I wanted to be free of this numbness and pain
Is it worth the cost?
Of becoming a submissive role?
Of taking the underbelly side of life?
Is it worth becoming the person that I was before
Blinded and mute,
To be happy,
To be free (in a sense of the word)?
Isn't that all I aspired for?

But who will I become
If immediate gratification
Is all I chase after?

Something like a bad dream
Carries around on my shoulder
It is weightless
And I don't always notice its pressure
Every once and a while it whispers
IN my ear
But no one sees it
Every once and while it screams
Jumping up and down
But no one hears it.
Sometimes it will pop up in my face
And look me right in the eye
Sinking me down to its level
But mostly
I don't notice that it's there
I walk around in "reality"
Where life is happy
But with one turn of the head
It is gone.
Something like a bad dreams
Sits and waits on my shoulder
For me to turn my head
And look around
Wondering how I got here
For me to
Remember.
That it is there
It has not gone away
No matter how much I ignore it
It will never go away
Something like a bad dream
Lies in wait on my shoulder
For me to decide:
Which is truth:
The present
Or the past?

If I wrote you a note
would you sign it?
Would you add 'PS Me too'
At the bottom?
Leave them with two coffins?

you make me wonder
If I really am
As foolish as they say
If I am wasting
     All my love
On someone who can't
even see me
in the light of day.

Who are you
to play with me this way?
Who am I
to let you?

I once knew a boy
Who changed my whole life
Held me in his arms
And kissed me goodbye
Didn't understand
Why he would act that way
I couldn't see
The lights of the coming train

Never again
will we
Stay up all night long
Never again
can I
Listen to your songs

Where did you go?
Why did you have to leave?
Well I hope
You found your peace
Where did you go?
Why did you leave?
Maybe someday I will
Find my peace

Lay up in bed
I can't forget
Your voice is running
Through my head
Lay down to bed
But I can't forget
The way your fingers felt
Across my skin

Never again
will you
light that ****
Never again
can you
Listen to this song

And that day
you kissed me in the rain
I fell in love
And now I feel the pain

rub against me
make me spark
start a big flame
to take up all this
                cold dark
I burn for you.

Throw water on me
watch the flame
                    disappear
walk away, as I lay
               on the damp ground

leave me feeling cold
     charred,
                 burnt out.

Why does the human heart
have to love
       so much?
Why do I have to
                                 yearn?
I would like to accept
  that things are
      the way they are
   And who cares?
                                     But I do
                    too much.
I want such a different
     life than I am living
And it's not so easy
to just "take a different path."
I like the road I'm on
It is just
    far too slow
          And it's killing me.

I'm so tired of breathing
                        the same
                           stale
                            air
So tire of waking
                     to nobody
                          there
Unbearably sick of
                       living
                            dependent

I can't stand it.

My world has turned grey
My smiles all fade
Why can't you come back to me?
I hate to say
That I'm wasting away
But without you I'm definitely
Not who I used to be.

The world has turned numb
And the darkness keeps attacking
All I can say is
I need you.
You help me stand strong
From the demons
But now you are gone
And they bury me quickly.

I have your words,
your voice, your pictures;
But it's cold without you here.
I need you to come back
And take my hand

I don't know how much longer
I can stand.

Scared of myself
Of the power these hands have
To hurt
and to shred
and to tear me apart

Scared of the one thing I don't have
The courage to face my own darkness
Cause that means I have
To escape my own process

How do you do that?
Fight through the storm
With no tether or boat
I guess this is my one fighting chance
To write and to write and to write
To talk to that no one
Cause that's what I've got left

Until the clouds clear
Until it's warm again
Until someone sends a rescue ship

All I have to do is hang on till then.

If I could beat on your chest
to resuscitate your heart
I would

But I can't
there's no going back
and I don't know
how to fix this

or how to leave...

I don't like him like you do
But somehow find myself kicking off my shoes
And falling into bed with him
I just can't help the attraction that I'm feelin'
You two, you were meant for each other
Us two, we're just hot for one another
You can't have him,
Your feet all up in chains
Hurt his best friend,
Can't ******' play that game

Now I should back on down
So as to spare your feelings
But when that boy's around me
Man, my head starts reeling
He's gettin' me all dizzy
When he's strummin' that guitar
With those long dark dreads
mmmmm
You know I don't get far

A little too much *****
And my head's not thinking right
I'm gonna do something stupid
And make a hell out of my life

But you know
He makes my head go crazy
When he's strummin' that guitar
And when he strums me with those fingers
mmmmm
You know I don't get far

My deadly attraction
Will be the death of me

"She's like a broken record.
I can't get her out of my head."

I sit and listen
as you explain your imperfections.
The past is past.
But you're still apologizing
And I still need you to.
I want to be important
to someone
to anyone
I guess your words
will have
to make up for when nobody's here
You loved me
but you left me
you wanted to let go
forget me
forgive me
"I never got over you"

You did something wonderful today.
After I stripped down...
You followed (birthday) suit!

How can the one thing that keeps away the pain
Be the thing you have to leave?

I want that good ol' stability
The way things used to be
When I didn't have to lie to you
And I felt like that person
Really was me

How can the only ones that use you for a reliant
Be the ones you have to lie to
To keep it that way

The ones you rely on
      Are the ones that don't care


How ****** up is this place?

It's the bittersweet irony of life
That I should find you
I tried to resist for so long
But I fell into the snake pit.
I lie in comfort while you hold me
But what about the day
When your hold
Wraps around my neck

But I try not thing think of that
Because you've got me in your grasp now
And I can't escape the boa's grip
So
Think of it this way, my friend

What's more exciting than living your nightmare
What's more insane than being eaten alive?
Let yourself free-fall and make all the wrong turns
You are embraced by the one thing you fight

I watch their worried stares
As I lie here in the snake pit
As the boa wraps himself around my heart
But I don't struggle,
No I'm not crying
For there is no stopping this once it starts.

And now I've forced myself back
into a cage of my own making.
There is no escaping
no light
only tunnel.
I'm back to no adventure
                    no excitement
Can't even have my coping habits
Back inside my little box
with limited options.
**** this.
I hate myself.
I tasted freedom for such a brief second
And I ruined it.

It is the building up of things overtime
Like the uncontrollable cry
It is the feeling of the overwhelming
Piling on your shoulders.
Life swooping down
And crushing you in its talons.
It is the dark romantic ******
The finish.
The release.
The static and the scurry
The overwhelming
The rush, the pain, the ending.
It starts as only an idea in the beginning
But ends up as something unavoidable
The act that is harm,
Secret,
Told to no one.
It takes away the care.
Makes you numb.
Saves the day
In the day of darkness.
Who ever thought that such an act of pain,
And act of restriction,
Could bring such peace, relief, control.
On one thing to focus.
Not a million.

I stand and watch the garbage man
As he grabs them
Something catches my attention
I watch my mother throw away
The lamps my father gave her.
Black metal with glass panels
Taken out.
They move one
And I turn back inside

"I believe in family curses."
She says.
Could this be ours?
As I hold my love, I wonder
Ponder
On how similar our relationship
Is starting to look
To theirs.

"You wanted to lose something you've loved for 99% of your life."
He tells her.
Could this possibly
Be my soul desire as well?
Or am I just caught
In the energy?

"Some kids want to fix their relationship
With their 'bad' parent
That's why they look for them
As partners."
Am I stuck in this hidden mind frame?
What if I oppose it?
People like my father
Cannot be changed.
But then again
Neither can you.

"I am nothing like him."
You command me.
The anger flows out of your eyes.
I no longer tell you this
Because it makes you angry
Just like her
Hiding things from him

So I quietly hold you
And wonder
If someday I will be
Throwing out the lamps
You have given me.

If this was a movie
there'd be a
      big fight scene
And we'd
      almost give up
                   all hope.

But at some point
         you'd realize
some things are
     worth war cries.
And you'd      stand up
                            and
                           fight
For our love.

I'm a dog
choking at the end
of my leash
A bird
trying to squeeze
through the bars in my cage
and be free
I can't argue
Can't speak
Can't write
For the life of me

The urge is more
     overwhelming
                      every day
I cannot make it
               go away
I wake up with tears
           in my eyes
and go to bed
              just the same

I know I am fighting a battle
  that I will eventually
            lose.

The fog slowly lifts
      but still my body calls for it:
                                    come back,
                                    come back.
I could not bring it even if I
                            wanted to
                       which I do
                          and don't
                  at the same time.
                                     come back,
                                     come back.
                   I know where it is at
       but I cannot reach for it
                             the fog
          that will dull the pain
                 that will distance me
                                     come back,
                                     come back.

Feel it start to rise
Addiction bares its large teeth
And sinks them in me

Out on the dark street
I try hard to outrun it
But it's not easy

Take many calm breaths
I am so close to reaching-
Just a bit farther

Then you say something
Jerkish and insensitive.
I'll write you nothing.

Congratulations, you've succeeded
In creating a monster
In your mirror image.
Anything you do is
Much bigger than you've done before
To deserve not being talked to.
A reason won't even be provided
As to why you seem to be hated
I don't want to try anymore
Don't want to give a ****
Who needs friends?
"Not I." said the cat...
"Not I." said the dog...
Here you've wound yourself up to this spot
Hated by your most beloved
Doesn't seem worth the trouble,
Worth the work,
Worth the wait.
You were never that far on the inside
Who needs you anyway?
"Not I." said the cat...
"Not I." said the dog...

The eggshells started in the sink
But wound up on the floor.
I walked into the room
And they flew at me once more.
Shrinking my provisions
To the ones within this door.
Even taking out the trash
Is not a safe thing anymore.

If I had known, would I have showed?
Or would I have opted to stay home
Where the dishes can be loaded
Anyway I please
And not at me.

I looked back in the mirror
and said
"My friend
you know,
it's okay,
you already know
if you trip while you run
you can stand back
on up.
Everything will be there for you
Your palace of great joy
Where we will celebrate
by emanating
peace
We won against ourselves."

And I wiped my tears
And stood up to see
The sun
as it shone upon my eyes
It no longer burned me.
I was free.
I am free.
I have found it


the one
Unspoken Truth

I'm tired
of everyday being an attack
I'm tired
of you
not being able to understand
I want to grow close
but you're pushing me away
And you justify
all those horrible things you say
by the ones I did
But baby
we're not going anywhere
If the past is always
next to you
We can't move forward
If we're constantly moving back.

when my birthfather messages.
the dread that he'll ask me to see him

when I tell him of my divorce
and he asks no questions
and offers
no condolences.
when I try to tell details
and he talks over me
             tells me
best to not speak ill of the past,
there's no reason.
when I must pay a stranger
to listen like he should
               like he didn't
all these years,
when the words were not something
he wanted to hear
or maybe
he's scared of my tears.
the ones he told me
solve nothing
while offering
           no solutions
           no protections
           no affection
unless he found it fit
between the cracks of his moods
within the space of his closet.

because he likes to keep peace
I must not trod upon it.

He's always there
You see him from the corner of your eye
He's ust livin there
to put you down
So when you come around
he can let your words
hit his invisible
force field,
change to steel,
and pelt in your direction.
You want ot give him
that box of poisonous crackers
he deserves
But that will just earn
you another invisible bruise
on your left arm.
So give him all you got
In your heart, your mind, your soul
but make sure it stays there
To
The sad little guy that lives in the corner.

I love to drink
Because it gets me
away
from my baseline.
The fact that I hate life,
existence.
Day
by day
by mediocre
day.
Is it better
closer
or farther away?
From the people with smiling faces,
conversations,
fully masked and exhausting.
What's the difference?
There is no revelation
being sober.
Just the same minute ticking
over and over.
I am so unimportant
and I don't know how
to stop the constant drowning.

Always writing about choking
and wishing to fly free;
where does it get me?
Chained to the same
sinking tree.
Trying to find
beauty
or ease
in the days that never cease,
the veins refuse to bleed
for me.
Who cares?
Nobody is a savior.
No flavor there to savor.

I want to be numb.

There's little peepers in my brain
And they see me
Everyday in and out
I try to control what they might see

I try to tell them,
"you're not real,
the past is dead,
Don't tell me how to feel"

I wish I could escape,
be free
from my own watchers
whose job is to watch me

Set me free,
      You don't exist
The past is dead
      And I quit.

What a fool of a bear
reaching back inside that hive
only to retrieve a drop of honey
for twice such in stings
sweet, seductive honey
smirking, unaware bees
naive, bashful bear
the world is full of these
The only open hive.
Which matters most?
the honey
or the pain?
Only thing that matters is
one day

there will be no more honey.

Back on the cutting board
Back in the hamster's wheel
nothing works quite as well
As the blissful pain I feel

****, cut, or smoke
I need one or all three
I need to feel the happiness
I need some dopamine

Fill my head with cloudy days
Fill it with that ecstasy
Let me drift away awhile
Give me that ******* free

Start a line
**** the pain away
Light me up that spliff

Then give me pen and paper
And let me write this riff

You asked me what had changed
         I couldn't tell.
I couldn't let myself add
to your current state of hell.
But if I were to be completely honest
I'd have to tell you
That it's those years that I have
     completely forgotten
                                                       ­            They changed me.

I had to learn to be less wanting
I had to learn to try less "us" things.
I had to distance myself
so you couldn't hurt me
Because you did-
  over and over again -
(I cannot say this.)

I guess it's the same as I'm hurting you now,
You showed me how...

But if we both lost this
       will we lose each other?

Today I thought about you
In that special kind of way
The way that we thought once
Would never, ever fade

So I guess that means it didn't
But there are so many things
That stand in the way
Of what those thoughts used to bring

Now we don't talk
I used to know so much about you
You're older, wiser now
But I know you're still you

I can't ponder at these gates
That don't even exist
Because you are only one
Of the billion things I miss

Can you deal with the fake happiness,
Every day a lie?
Pretending this is all you want,
Get by with every high?
Don't expect anything
And if you must, expect the least.
You got so used to being treated so well
Compared to that, this is hell.
Going from someone who wanted all his time with you
To someone who seems like he's got better things to do
Is depressing.
You always expect
So much
But is asking to get back in return what you give
Too much?
Are your expectations
Never to be fulfilled?

You thought it might make you a happier person
But only for a while
Having to sign up for a time slot,
Having no room to smile

Life will never be what you want.
Get over it.

When you touch my body
it's just a casual pass.
Lust is not the first thing on your mind,
it seems it's next to last.
A mindless passing squeeze,
a casual stick and poke.
Treating my desire
as if it were a joke.

I've never felt so much
like a bag of flesh and bones.
No beauty and
no mysticism,
No tempting burlesque show.
Only breast and hip,
only foot and toe.

I guess I'm the last one left
to caress and pry.
I wish I could kiss my collarbone
and fleshy inner thighs
just right.

But most of all I wish
your passion ate you
when I was nearby.

of times when things were wonderful
                                                       ­  between you & I
when it was as simple as 'I love you'
                                                         with no 'but...'s attached
memories of sun and rain and darkness
memories of the smile you used to wear,
                                                         how you used to laugh,
who you used to be...

only memories of holding you, you holding me,
                                those silly little fights we used to have
memories of you before you became what you are
                                                             ­                            today

Seems like centuries ago when you would look
               into my eyes like I was your everything
Seems so long since you actually looked into
               my eyes at all

I had been holding on to you
as if you were those memories...
But I Finally Let Go.

I woke next to you this morning
Your warm skin and scruffy face
           -which I find incredibly ****
And usually just this
Can make me skip
   throughout my day

But not today.
I woke with
       the silent wild fire
  from last night - and several days before -
still quietly burning
still slowly consuming
            my heart.

The night before this one
     you promised
things will change
But how can I wait
with my forest turning into ashes
        tree by tree
        branch by burning branch?

How can I wait for you to stop this fire
by throwing bucketfuls of water at it?

The words inside of me
setting me free
free
letting me flee
So I can run laps
on the things
       that chase
             me
Surprise what
      I fear most
  by facing it
head on

    Who doesn't say
to do such a thing?

   love what you hate
        for the hate that
                    it brings
         love the pain for
                    such things
such beautiful words
such superb
feeling

Pain is beauty
fear is love
there is nothing to
fear
nothing to
run from
It is all beautiful.