All I ever wanted was everything:

the white knight, the big castle, the candy-coated kingdom,

the splendid gesture riding in on the great white horse.

And then he came...militantly chivalrous,

full of romance & honey-covered words

sweeping me off my feet with the force

of his pertinacious declarations of love.

Entranced, I surrendered as much to the visions in my head

as to the dark knight who came for me...

At times I live in Dreams,

when Reality is the Nightmare

from which I would run screaming,

if I were but to open my eyes.

For unlike Dreams,

which, at times, mind & will can alter...

Reality continues stubbornly to BE

against all wishes to the contrary...

Dreams crumble in its face

and I awake in tears.

I carry in my heart hope of a better day,  
Where  people are free from oppression and children are out of harms way,  

I carry in my heart fantasies of a fearless day,
Where life is deemed as precious  and knives are locked away,

I carry In my heart faith in a new day,
Where compassion and warmth are embedded into the hearts that are led astray

I carry in my heart dreams of a summers day,
Where the sky is the bluest blue and the sun is shining away,

I carry In my heart aspirations of a brand new day,  
Where possessions are valued less than a heart that won't betray,

I carry in my heart belief in a perfect day...
Where every waking moment can take my breath away.

I feel lost
the holes in my memory
are too numerous to count.
I become a green-eyed monster
when friends brag about vacation & trips
even though I have taken more trips
to superior locations.
I do not remember.

The minuscule fragments of
my childhood paint a depressing picture.
Abandonments, death after death after death,
Homelessness, loneliness, imperfectness.
My memories have collectively signed a DNR.
They are unrecoverable.
Lost forever in the holes my mind created
to prevent insanity.

it'd be a luxury to forget you
the depth of your callouses
the unevenness of your smile
the smoke on your breathe
those wooden coffee tables
carved with our dreams
in sickness and in health
we embraced it all.

it'd be a luxury to forget you
that constant burn like nicotine
that hot fire on your lips
driven by desire and passion
your strength to push me away
your eyes to draw me in
penniless and not worried
in our arms, we had it all.

it'd be a luxury to forget you
black sunglasses, fedora hats and all
your swift, careless motions
slow and tedious habits
a weakness for women
and their weakness for you
to have and to hold you
we knew, we could have it all.

it'd be a luxury to forget you
crumble those old photos
pour gas on those memories
tear that plane ticket in half
reach in and crush my heart
dagger first, scramble my brain
from this day forward
until death do us part, we'll remember it all.

it'd be a luxury to forget you,
one that i do not have.

i’ve got a friend
her name is speed.

i’m raging 100 miles per hour
and she pins my
eyes open when i
try to sleep.

she makes me thirsty
and causes me
to clench my teeth.

i can’t ever eat,
it’s not allowed.

my tongue is a cactus.
my tongue is a cactus.
my tongue is a cactus.
my tongue is a cactus.

i think, and i realize

how far can i go

*******

******* up

getting ****** up

and then not be okay with things anymore.

when will i wanna change?

and will i know how?

i need new scenery. everything is too worn out to me.

always blame the season.

i don’t remember how to feel anymore.

but i do remember how it felt.

and i keep spending time with people who

don’t know how to feel either.

and we just dig holes with each other.

it’s ultimately ******.

and the reason we don’t ever mean that much

to each other is because

we’re ****** up.

but that’s all we want, we say.

the right amount of insanity or else they get the boot.

it’s no fun if they’re completely sane.

it’s no fun if they wont damage their brain with you.

always trading lovers in, fading out.

people are beautiful

the crazy people are beautiful

with their slightly broken smile

daily fixes

and unruly speak

they all forgot how to love

but lust all the same

breaking at the seams

of how things used to be

thinking it was better before

we got here.

the destination
known, but not easy to find
because it finds you

half used
left side remains
empty
although dreams
are filled with company
reality sets in upon wakening
when you realize
the pillow next you
rests unwrinkled
nights are cold
no body to warm up to
nobody to warm up with
so an extra blanket
is the compromise
needing music to sleep
when normally silence
suffices
a bed
can be
one of
the worst reminders

i see the world
and the people
who inhabit it:
the angry
the corrupted
the oblivious
the lost
everyone hell bent
to find their way
put on this spaceship
we call earth
with absolutely no say
in the matter
who are we to judge
how people go about
their lives?
aren't we all
just trying
to sort out
what we didn't ask for?