At what point is this
regular behavior
instead of just a funk?
Where is the line between
giving support
and being taken advantage of?

Never want to see you hurt
Never want to see you die
The pain is inevitable

Pain is stifled
Pain is smothered
This world will never be what you want
This life will never fill what you need.

Forgive
Forget
Live on
Regret

I am a coward.
I will never know what I want
I will never know hot to feel
How to follow my heart

I do my best to forget.
But I cannot forget you
And I cannot forget
What a fool
I am.

I'm falling in love with my dark
                                                       side
                 Giving it treats,
                                Letting it run free
                           I'm ignoring all the
                                rules
And so far it's helped me
               see
  unblinded me
taken me places I'd
    never thought I'd be

The only way I've found
  To get me closer there
Is to do what they've
     told me
           NO
                       don't do that
I break my rules
        that seem worn out
  And shake hands
      with the person in the
                        mirror
Who has always seemed
                    familiar
   but foreign

How much fruit do you want in your basket?
Take a gamble little girl
If you put them all in
They'll all be spilled over
If you put none in the basket
Your heart will suffer

So how much you want to gamble, sweetie?
How much you want to bet you'll lose
Put your money in babe, we're all high rollin
Time to put on your dancin shoes

Jump into my veins
Like a bolt of lightening
Been down this path before
So it's kind of frightening
Trying
to step carefully
Not to fall flat
on my back
Sneak quietly through this place
Without reeking havoc
Though I know the
deeper I go down
The darker it will get
But I don't fret
I see this as a game
You will not just
come be with me
Then I shall keep myself
entertained
However that may be
      Sneaking through the forest
      with the wolves right
             in front of me

I'm dead meat
And I can't stop giggling

Who shall win the game?

I wish I could be heading somewhere
Instead of peddling in place.
I wish I could get something back
Instead of what I'm giving go to waste.
How do I escape,
fly high above the birds and trees?
How is it I keep walking on
Instead of falling to my knees?
Set me free!
I don't know who I'm supposed to be.
But apparently if I'm not the right one
I'm not good enough for you to invite me.

I'm tired of all these people,
Of not being enough.
Of giving everything I can
And getting dust.
Getting to sit in the endless hours
While everyone has fun.
Apparently I'm not enough.
           Now just look at what I've done.

Often,
most of me is dark
and parts of me don't show.
But where your light
    is shed upon me:
                      I glow.

Though we may never touch
And the distance
sometimes grows
I know your light will shine
And the darkness will erode.

You are the sun, my steady constant.
And I, the moon that cycles round.
All these times of darkness
Are so worth the warmth I've found.

Although most the time
I'm dark and cold
That glimmer of light's
what's worth the show.

For where your light
    is shed upon me:
                        *I glow.

Somehow I feel like
I could have said something
If I had the chance to talk
Somehow I could have helped your brain
You came to me
With what looked like a plea
Said that you liked me
But I was scared of your identity
I fell in love with you
A little bit that day
That you told me it
was the first time
You'd ever kissed in the rain
Those were the days that you helped take
the pain away
Before you jumped onto that train
And it took away your sanity.

How could you leave like that?
Suddenly you're gone
Suddenly there's darkness
Where the moon once shone

My heart can't find it's beat
And my legs can't find my feet
My stomach's turning in circles,
I've forgotten how to eat.

Where's the chord at, Matt?
Did you finally find the free?
Did you finally find the dose
that would cure your insanity?
You used to look at me
With the most childlike of smiles
It drove my heart wild
But now the thought burns inside
Your song
Those words
That will be the last time I ever heard
Your voice.
Your choice.
And I lock myself inside my head
Grab the pen
Work out all this
Frustration.

Like I'm offered gold
But my feet are embedded in silver
I want to move forward
But I can't move my feet
Want to tell you what's on my mind
Can't bring myself to speech
Drowning, tethered.
Not sure how I feel about either.
Tangled up in webs
And left out to soak,
let for dead.
How do I stifle
these feelings of mine
I look in your eyes
and my conscience goes blind
How do I refrain from saying all that I want to say?
When I know how you feel
And I know how I feel
How am I supposed to turn away?

They say you should fix it.

It will be hard.

And I am waiting on just that.
But you cannot simply
say the word hard
Like it's just made of four letters,
Like it isn't your whole life
including
all the points in between
the helping.

I gave into suggestion
and I tried antidepressants
that ******* made me crazier
than I already am.
But when I find something
that helps me
I must take secret doses
because
it's not a prescription given
by someone
who doesn't know me.

Don't scold me
I'm doing all I can
to hold on.

I hate everything today
It makes me sick
I hate the things I've done,
The life I lived
The people I've abandoned
And those who've
abandoned me
I hate failing everytime I
               get so close
Something always happens
That keeps me locked at home
I hate that you never came
Never even bothered to
Show your face
I hate being left behind
No choice but quiet rage
  raging pain
I want to make it go away
But it consumes me
  And I
   hate.

All that I succeed at
Is making people turn
       their backs
I'm more than flawed, I know
I've got my share of evil pasts
But all I'm doing
     is stumbling through life
I can't see straight
And I hate
  all this strife.

Today you choose to haunt me
Or shall I say who you used to be
What we used to have
Your energy
Your smile
Got lost somewhere
I miss who you used to be
As if you were dead
A shining star that lost its light
A beating heart that doesn't love me anymore.
It used to be so precious to me
No matter what anyone said
No matter how badly I was treated
You were precious to me
Who you were is precious to me.

But in these days where we do not speak
Where you haunt my dreams
I cannot tell you
How much I wish I were in he past
When your voice still had that light to it
When your eyes were excited
And you were still happy about life

When you had your punk music and your rebellion
When you hated everyone
But me.

But now I will be the only one you hate.

Some days I'm ok with that.
But today it haunts me.

What if the afterlife
Was whatever you wanted it to be?
What if the heaven that existed
Was the heaven you believed?
Would you still follow all their rules
Would you still believe in one
Without me?
What if it was whatever you wanted
Would it still be the place they tell you to believe?

What if we were all free?
Free to make up our own minds
About what lies past that door.
What if we had never heard
Of a person named "God" before?

What would our own souls choose?
What would our own minds think up?

If we could create
Any heaven we wanted,

What would your heaven be?

I watch the couple
walking together in the park
it's getting dark
and I wish you were here with me.
We could hold hands
and walk as they do,
me and you

but we are not free.
I wish I could share
the trees and the sun,
the sound of water as it runs,
with someone besides
all these strangers
surrounding me.
With someone I love.

A man asks me
'What are you doing all alone?"
My only answer
is a question,
"What am I doing?"

What would you do
If a voice was calling you
(One that you knew)
Telling you to stand
And cheer for the trees
...The grass, the bees
and you.
Cheer for yourself
With utmost joy
Cheer for this completeness.

Could you be a lone voice
Causing such noise?

My rage from pain is growing
You do all this without knowing
How much it really hurts me,
How deadly consequences can be.

What's with all this silence?
It brings me to the brink of violence,
To breaking all my promises
Do you think it's really worth it?

In defense of all your pride
You're pushing my heart to the side.
Is this some kind of punishment
For one thing I shouldn't have said?

Well I'd be careful baby
You don't know what you're doing, maybe
You just don't know what's in store
-How dare you say "I love you more"!

If you listen
Pay attention to the beats
But in between
Where the silence lays,
Right there,
You can feel the sadness.
Like an echo,
Barely there.
but still,
It sits.
And if you do not listen to it
Do not wallow in it sometimes,
It will sit there forever.

Is it supposed to feel like this?
I have no clue.
I have never been this sort of person.
You forced me to.
Do I need to control it?
Do I need to hold back?
Or is this just who I am now?
It feels hard
In an easy sort of way.
Sort of distant.
Sort of cold.
And so...
Full of pain.

Don't want my ink
Upon your skin
Don't let it in-
But tell me, sweet boy,
What are you afraid of?
That I'll make my mark on you?
A trace of me you can't undo?

Evidence of my love,
my lust,

and yours?

Why are you here
Laying in my bed
She gave you what you needed
Besides a place to lay your head

Now you come here
Looking for some shut eye

Or is that all you're looking for?

the secret's out
the story's in
now for the real game
to begin

no sneaking round
our mouths hushed closed
been caught red handed,
palms exposed.

what will these things
come to now?
what are the new rules?
will I finally get what I deserve
or just to not see you?

Either way the jumbled lock
Has finally found its key
But what's behind this door, my friend?
Guess we'll see...

Here it come around the bend again
Hope it doesn't lead to just another dead end
Something's stuck inside my mind and it needs to come out
Something buzzing in my brain an I gotta get it out

Who knows
When the pen hits the pad
What it will lead
Maybe how I'll wind up alone again
Or
that there's something there that I can see
Much more than you're letting me see

Something's buzzing
And I gotta spill the beans
Cause until I let it out
I'm ripping at the seams
Brain aching like a broken heart
So I gotta let it out

Brain buzzin like mosquitoes inside
Need my only vice to what ills me
Need to let it out before it kills me
Before it tears me apart
Oh my aching heart
Before it tears me apart

and not go so far away
but I know that you must go
and I know that I must stay.
The noose I threaded for myself
was never built for two
and even if you wallowed with me,
what good would that do?

I'd call you
But I know you will not answer
I'd write you a letter
if I knew your dwelling
I'd proclaim your name to the heavens
But I know no god to hear my shame
So I shall only think
and scribble my worthless words
in which your eyes shall never meet.
I love you

Today I realized

this year
it was only his birthday
and not

your deathdate.

are the strings
i thought
were holding me up
actually
tying me down?

My web, my tangled mess of lies
I cannot till the day I die
Make straight these strings
Which I have knotted

Myself, my only closest friend
For my wrong deeds I can't defend
So I must hold the very hand
That chokes me.

I'm learning what
       to learn to say
I'm tripping up
       along the way
I try my best to be okay
  for you

I'm learning not to compromise
       between my wants
       and all my lies
That all those things
       that I have done
       I truly wanted to.

My stumbling steps
       seem not enough
But weary legs
       can be so rough
When lying down
       waiting to drown
       has been what got me through

But with your rough
        and strengthened hands
I'll take each step
        after I stand
Each fall is easier to land
   with you
   to come back to.

I sit and watch my old self fade away
Not putting up a fight
I watch the person he gave up
Fade into oblivion
I watch the person they loved,
The person that wasn't good enough
Die.
There's no worth in crying over it
A nothing I will stay
Just more of one that doesn't give a ****
More and more each day
More and more she fades
More and more a smile grows
I stop to think

Brought me up from birth
Showed me all that I'm not worth
Scorned me for my individuality
Told me to act more like a "lady".
You've taught me nothing valuable in life.
Unless...
Crying solves nothing...
I don't know is a kindergarten answer...
And to hide in your closet when you're upset,
Are valuable life lessons.
You could never accept the fact
that I was never baptized.
Is that why you wouldn't look my way?
Is that why I cried to sleep at night?
I spent my whole childhood, growing up,
thinking that I just wasn't good enough.
But now I've realized: that's wrong.
I'm wrong? **** that.
Perfect to your community
Silent within your home.
We never knew if silence
was better than being scorned.
You always blamed her,
blamed her for this perfect life you didn't have.
You always blamed us,
blamed us for taking her hand.
Take a look in the mirror, dad.
You have some imperfections yourself.
You're life is not perfect
Because you made it that way.
Do not expect my pity.

For I am
Far better a person
Than you will ever be.

Most of you is truthful
But part of you is not
When you tell me something
I'm not sure which I've got
You've told me of your past
Almost your whole life story
But if you mix lies and truth
How do I know which you've told me?
I'd rather not ask
I'd rather forget
I'd rather start with a clean slate
I'm not a lie-detector test

"Hello my name is Pink."
"Is yours a lie?"

What do I do
With a love like you?
The light of your heart is so brilliant
Yet I see darkness in our future

Here I have stumbled myself into
What I always Swore I would never touch
I told myself I could not live this hell
My one promise to myself.

And yet here I am.
Playing with fire
Just begging to be burned
Begging to be hurt.

What do I do
With such a perfect love as you?

You are my precious other
And yet you hold his beliefs.

Were they just as foolish?
How will I get through this?

I've been keeping it at bay for so long
letting it loose
feels rusty,
unnatural.

I used to consume boys
like a wildfire.
Teeth and hands and hips.
No second thoughts,
no reservedness.
But I've had to be so gentle,
so plain,
so long

I've forgotten how it feels

like bliss,
like nervousness,
like does my body fit like this
with you

unrestrained action
and passion
and fun

I want to go on.

Last night was very hard for me
My brain was buzzing
Racing, running
With every thought it could think of you
With every dream it could dream of you
I guess it hasn't gotten the memo yet
You left me
It knows how much I longed for you
But it's a little too late
I no longer want to think of you
It hurts
But it seems like you're the only thing it can think of
So much that I can't think
Of anything else worth thinking about
Kept up half the night
My own mind driving me crazy
With pain
And tears
And "how could you do this?"

Somebody gave it a late notice
Cause I'm way over that phase
I don't want to think about you
I don't want to dream about you

They are the muddiest thoughts
And the clearest dreams
I have
Ever had.

My heart is full of want,
I'm unsettled.
I can't move.
Can't sit.
Can't meddle
In any of my business





****
I lost it.

Sometimes it sneaks up on me,
This pain of mine.
But sometimes it jumps out at me
Like a stranger with a knife.
Sometimes I do not hear its silent footsteps fall
And it startles me
When it arrives.

For this is the thing I've been dreading
My whole life that I might run into
I find the most wonderful man
Who believes in my father's beliefs
I find this most wonderful man
And he is soon set to leave.

If only, if only
But this time I cry
I make curse to this earth
and I scream at the sky
In frustration and anger
And sadness and pain
And what is it that makes me feel this way?
None other but love.

Love that holds me sweetly on my death bed.
Love that soothes the sorrows but lets the tears never end.
It is love that huts the most
And causes all the pain.

It is love in my life
That is my true enemy.

Honestly, you're the luckiest person I've ever met
You found this girl
Who would do anything for you
So much that
You don't have to do
Anything for her.
And when you can't deal
You can just walk away
And leave her to deal with
Her own problems
You have your highs
You have a good time
Ignore life
But still gain the benefits.
You never have to compromise
Anything for anybody
And you can blame it all on yourself
But not feel the sting
Of being something low.
You don't have to care about anything.
Leave her to deal with it.

Pain sing me to sleep
Let me hear that bittersweet lullaby
Let it run through me.
Let it sweep me off of my feet
And take me away
From here

The most beautiful thing I could ask for
A simple continuous string of blood
Sing me your lullaby
Bring me your comfort, friend
You are the one that I control
You are the one that always shows

How do I cure what ails me?
How do I ignore when need radiates from me?
Want things to be the way they used to
How can I get through to you?

Or maybe I shouldn't
Maybe it's better to let dead dogs lie
Rather than dig them back up
And expose your beating heart

What do I do
To resist such an urge
To grab at the shovel
And dig up your heart

For I know it's still beating
Though you're attempting to hide it
I know from the night
That you rose from the dead,
I saw it reaching towards me

But was snagged away

How do I get it to come back towards me
Without scaring it away

How do I
How do I let sleeping dogs lie?

And now
after years of torment
with only brief reprise
I can hold your
damaged heart
throughout each night
I can keep it safely beating
right next to mine

I can keep the longest nights
and greet the
sun-filled sky

with you

How much is too much
and how little's enough?
If I reach for you
will you shy from my touch?
If I choke out the words
will they be enough?

Cause I don't want to push, love.
I don't want to shove.
I just need to know now
if I'm still the one.

Are you still having fun?

If I opened the front door
Would you try to run?
Have my little "quirks"
become just too much?
Do you despise setting timers
for laundry and lunch?

"How deep is your love?"

If I asked you for candles and wine
would you do it?
Would you begrudge me for asking
to see if the shoe fits?
Cause I know getting older
doesn't have to mean *******.
Proximity doesn't have to mean closeness.

I just want to know, love
If you'd still be concerned
Do I bring too much heat?

Does your fire still burn?

You've become something
that I don't remember anymore
Come back,
you're far too distant
sway with me
you're offbeat
Why can't you just lose yourself
you're too controlled
be here with me
be one with me
you're far past distracted

What is this even worth to you?
You're scanning down your list
but where am I?
Where do I fit in between these lines?

I'm caught
in the web of an offset spider.
Not caring enough
to eat my heart
and make it his.

Make it yours.
Take it
if you wish.

And now it's
"We need to talk to you."
It's
awkward giggles through the wall.
Other sounds,
I don't want to know
at all.
It's her
making breakfast
when she hasn't cooked in years.
It's him
walking in the door
when she's not even here.
It's
trying to avoid
awkward conversation
when I'm
high as a kite
put politeness is the expectation.
It's
things in the house
suddenly being fixed.
It's
extra noise when there should be silence.
It's
wondering if he'll try to be my "dad"
and if he steps out of line
you know I'll fight back.
It's
flattening my quills,
remind myself:
he's a different person.
I guess it's
hard to put a family back together
once it's broken.

      (or never even existed in the first place)

Like a reward for not ending it all
One more precious second in your company
One more touch

To not be dismissed
Is more of a blessing
Than I could ever ask for

"The sweetest lullaby in the darkest of times"

I will probably never have the sweet song I had before
But maybe I will not only have just a memory?

But a tinkling music box
With the bittersweet version of the tune
I once fell asleep to.

Darkness swallow me
Envelop my heart
For it needs not to beat anymore if not for him.
I needs no memory
Of everything it lost
Just numb me
From feeling everything
Just don't even  try to tell me
Everything will be alright.
I am gone
I am nothing
Lost to this world.
And it is all my fault

I will never get him back.

I had the world when I had you
I always said I just wanted happiness
But was too blind by my own "faults" to see forever in your eyes
I have no one to blame but myself
So please do not pity me
Ignore my dramatization
I will survive.
I just don't believe it yet.
I will smile someday
But for today
I cannot forgive myself.
I will not die
But I feel as if the world has ended
So
Don't worry for me.
I will be ok.
Someday.

Where do we go from here
Do you stand the same
As you did before
I know you love me
But do you really want to leave?
Do you just not have the strength to go away?
And if you don't now,
How do you expect to ever?

It's been a while
from when the bright sun first
rose into my heart
Replacing my thirst

But night soon creeps
And loneliness does wrap
It's hands round my neck
and sinks claws in my lap

My need for blood comes
As waterfalls fly
Deep down in my pillow
My concience it cries

I silence them all
Monsters neath my bed
Monsters in the corner
Monsters in my head