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Mateuš Conrad Jun 2024
it's not a fun thought to have
fun to die with
but not to fall asleep with

read some TS Eliot
didn't think him American
took the Ezra
pounding

so...
to compensate your age difference:
i am:
Reyla's Grandfather
if by age disparity you
are my Mother:

i am Reyla's grandfather
sort of Jesus no God
Premature in :ooks of aging...

i get funny looks at work
i get funny looks at work...

i'll scribble for you to get the jist
i'm psychiatrist
i am
talked for hours on end
with Qais
about the difference between
the Hajj and the shortened
version: the Ummah....
the 7x wandering around the Kabah
and seven times reading
of the Quran....
two asian girls on the train
one rubbing her hair into my naked skin
one rubbing her hair into my naked skin....

i'mk riding a rift of a Bromance:
i'm having my Lawrence Digital Arabia
Sands like Silicone...
Ahmed the Somali
Qais the Pakistani
Hamas the UNCLE
ha ha: Saudi Blah Blah
Gandu
Uzair the ****-
-stani...
goggle eyes my god so short sightened
cake fake of eagle: too!

so we talked desert in concrete
jungles:
mooch mooch much later
smooch of talking tickle
of talking mushroom godheads of crows
and magpies
like the positive cancer
of cognitive growth of a Scotch cancer:

Qais: humus was listening: fidgeting...
the drunk on the drain just sat down
and called me a priest
not a politician
a priest
i am a priest
i was giving confession on a train
and everyone seem bewildered
by a painting of a pointing finger...
weird...

i am Reyla's grandfather:
grandma...
mummy bear honey bear i ****
you like a teenage girl
i ******* like a teenage girl
baby
my 56 year old whale; blubber
mother: *** so dearest:
i'm implosion:
correct grammar:
i implode:
i'd implosive: a double-be

i love your dearest,
i love you
i love you
i love
you
  Jun 2024 Mateuš Conrad
Nat Lipstadt
the propulsion of compulsion is indefatigable,
it cannot no more, be ignored, as if it is forming
a holy commandment, number 11, you must
write when so ordered, denial is temporary
i n s a n i t y, and the backlog of nuances be
comes longer and longer by the instant

the provocateurs, them eyes, those eyes,
even the ears and tongue join in to instigate,
the cabal of influencers who peddle no product,
demand no payment but total obeisance and
sometimes low-class instant fufillment, for here
I am in servitude,@ 4:33am, by dawn’s early light
(no **** for real), propelled and compelled by
the creative, the spilling urgency of the need
to expel notions of potions that flit between the

frontal lobe, parietal lobe, cingulate gyrus,
and prefrontal cortex: (I told  you, it’s a cabal!)
all  firing
up neurons like electron spark plugs, and only
I can see the sparks colliding inside as letters,
words, phrases, none lazy, all demand long life,

or the Perpetuity of the Momentary”

it grows lighter by the minute and the sporadic
lights across the bay wink morse code secrets
to the observant, and Noyac’s  tree line has
become a distinguishable and distinctive
land mass to which I crossed last nite via &
upon the South Ferry, when all these conflicting
concepts began a painful birthing delivery,
the coagulation of the flighty, merging and
transforming into my child, in my bed, through
the picture window that has so oft been complicit
in the ganging up on my very, very old and restless
brain

but, uh, this ecrivez, this motion that the momentum
of the momentary desiring & deserving of monuments
to the perpetual
won’t be stilled and hours later, with it’s invisible hands
around my throat, it yanks from within what did not
exist ten minutes prior, but always existed inside me
as a jumbled puzzle, gestating quietly till a swift kick
of birthing pains insufferable accompanied by her
raucous dreams, awoke me from ******* and rhyming
Rem Sleep, to now, this moment, named forever as
4:57am and this noisy newborn, covered in embryonic
fluid (wonderful but disgusting really) is all ready pealing and peeling
off suggestions for brothers and sisters, this arrogance
is untenable, but the babe laughs at me, for it knows that
there are hidden, voluminous files of titles awaiting their
turning time of final conception

no longer nighttime, an early forming day, it too,
covered in its own fluidity, awaits discovery, for
the lights from across the bay have gone to bed,
turned off but the greatest, more powerful
brighter discharges
of the Sun Gods

The Bay’s waters are still, though my woman is not,
muttering, still dreaming out loud, as if she wishes
to foment
turbulence, and desires a boat for safe conveyance
across the dark seas of the night to the searing bright
June summer day that the Greek seers have forecast,
and then that moment, like it’s older sibling, will demand,
it’s very moment of personalized perpetuity, its own
unique naming,
a full recording, a welcoming by the Preservation Band,
amidst the glory of its mother mornings colorings of
palest blues, puffery of cumulus whitiwhispers all tinged
in my favorite, flavored color, creamsicle orange,
and the calming power is self evident for the rustling
back and forth of raucous dreams have ceased, and I too
am no longer possessed by the moment, until soon
when the hands creep slow round my throat by a new
moment, and all is lost, all is gained and a newest poem
is brought from the womb of my ancient past, my currency
of the next minutes and the wealth of words that are
available to us all! demands one of us, perhaps you?
to commit its actualized existence into reality

I bid you a soft adieu, for the chores of existence
those demanding pests of drudged biblical
pestilence
can no longer be kept
waiting

nml
5:21am
Sun Jul 16
2024

writ at you know where…
writ in the “moment”
  Jun 2024 Mateuš Conrad
sophie
god makes no mistakes, god circles your drain, god looks just like you.
god put his face in my hands, i dont want remember the questions i was asked.
i remember the heat of a church in august,
repeating scriptures as my knees ache against the **** carpet.
i learned that god doesnt pressure the sick ones, he only breaks beneath it. i am salvaging the consolation of knowing these things.
i cherish him with my fingernails,
and i shake like an exhausted child.
i am trying my best to shake this swirling from my mind.
hallowed be my breath my eyes my insides,
because i cant seem to stop believing in you so i am proving myself the only way i can.
flailing, wrecking, losing.
Mateuš Conrad Jun 2024
i wrote a song (for you): i hope you don't mind:

but we live in a time
where playing guitars is forbidden
by the Taliban
and we only resort to digesting
ingesting
listening to music rather than
creating it
as homage to the Wind: WND...

i just used a sample app and rhythm
and patience...

GROOVEPAD
by EasyBrain                    said Brian:
artist: Synthferatu
sample pad: Concrete Jungle
song: 26-06-2024 11-37
composer: Matthias Eschlert

drum intro
guitar
vocals - ecstasy of hope:

                    bass
                  no vocals
     more melody: piano

vocals: different: city lights oh ooh oh!

Sur Sur is a beautiful boy
Muhammad

          vinyls! scratching! vocals disappear!
some added bass

vinyl scratching gone
now vocals
more guitar scratching
elevation of volume
then more vinyl scratching return
more tops
added drum:

the concept of the crescendo

vocals minus
added drums and more piano
added more rhythm

release of the build down
with vocals
short short ecstasy of hope

ADDED EXTRA SHRED
while the song slows down
to a fade out
fade out and crescendo so
important
in making music these days

Edie can tell you:
can't burn the track onto these pages:
can at best leave a description

i really don't have to finish
Frank Herbert's book
Dune
do i
i saw the film and i'm
getting old i loved
the movies
but the book is not puritanical me
Lord of the Rings
the Bible

pig ****: sorry

the song finished on the piano rhythm
because then
what is melody to rhythm
if Africa is Rhythm
then Europe is Melody...

AFRICA IS RHYTHM
EUROPE IS MELODY
AFRICA IS RHYTHM
EUROPE IS MELODY
AFRICA IS RHYTHM
EUROPE IS MELODY
AFRICA IS RHYTHM
EUROPE IS MELODY
AFRICA IS RHYTHM
EUROPE IS MELODY
AFRICA IS RHYTHM
EUROPE IS MELODY

                   i wrote a poem and created
a black hole in my day
i messaged Edie directly
and i wrote a poem
and created a black hole at the Zenith
of June the Day of Europe
now the descending art
into nocturnal bindings to beings
like spiders and moths
flickering strobe asthma
spasm anxiety and perplexia:

epilepsy elypse
ROMANS 8:17
epilepsy ellipses
i talked about my genetics
being plagued by a brain drain
my grandfather's father
my mother's grandfather
did a suicide pact
with Niagara Falls:
went missing in America
no one knows where
Jesus didn't have children
and Matthew doesn't have children
but he: he baked me a cake for
my 13th birthday and i had
a pool party VVQ bb
and i wasn't the loser outlast loner
and all the boiling points
of growing up
and i was a freakish control freak
so maybe i could manage a company
and big girl boyfriend strong
who is father who is ring leader
who is the BOSS i was asked: R U
and i was given a MASTERMIND
friendship band
then overnight it became uncool to DAD ***
don... too...

weird how media operates...
i much prefer the Chinese medicine of media
ingestion:
i prefer the rude crude Chinese method
of stipulating the masses
the western media is virus prone
like ****** didn't understand a Trojan
of Israel into reminding the Arabs
where the Jews belong...

sorry: but if it will take a genocide?
a silent battle:
civilians are necessary bulletts
to bring the walls down?!
don't: you: think?

i remember using the internet for the first
time and
reading so many books
and then drifting from the reality
of the algorithm to the reality
of a customized algorithm: the A.I.

and i don't really need to finish Dune
i picked up Walt Whitman
and James Joyce on the way
because i read so much Air in Sand...
so vapid vapid!
i started drinking more and
writing more and becoming newspaper
orientated, more:
and Chinese impressed most
delightful raging media
a delight of the Stereotype rather than
some Androgynous Android Vest 5PATROL
for LGBTPQV+ views on LSD
and big screen televisions... hanging on ceilings:

because the symmetry of nonsense
and "geometry" in constellations
perhaps from stars we borrowed letters
and god didn't understand
or how did man spawn letters
to call YHWH a god in the realm
of letters and god's pedantic self
i question the authority to move
people forward if
Muhammad illiterate
and Jesus not old enough
like Socrates to not bother to write:
i am scared to have to wander
under a banner of Dyslexia
just: plain: daft: arrogance:
which: Jesus was: and is...

                    of the three counter-cultures:
the Pharisees...

John was the authentic Jew
Jesus was the Impostor
John the Baptist was the Jew
Jesus was the Egyptian
or the Assyrian
impostor
and the gravity of following
Isaiah: who was cut in half
at the abdomen
while John's head was
decapitated and brought to
his sweetheart....

i don't want to finish Dune:
one snippet of Joyce's Ulysses and for once
i want to reread a book
and i think i will age and perform
the predictable: impossible:
make music
and reread books:
Joyce:
imitate Grandma
the curse of Eva
the ARCH DEMON and INHUMAN
soften the blow:
adore ******
more than Christ: cosmopolitan Jesus
crutch and crouch and crowd fund
a couch surfer beginning with
Matthew the Tax Collector...
            
ah: perfect harmony: write your own song
and then write...
ah the perfect harmony:
write your own song
play it back on repeat
and then write and then write...
like Mozart in ice like Beethoven in fire
oh then write...
sample: beauty: darling dearest:
Edie:
is the song bad?

Edie! wake... wake and give me a quake
of your mind and heart:
i will actually give up reading through
the end credits of Dune
and reread Ulysses
because i'm actually: intellectually starved
right not and i'm looking
for drowning and Ockham...

                   PHARISEES

Apostle Paul – a student of Gamaliel

but what if Christianity became what
it is now
from an alternative root:
that of:

a:
Sadducee                     (s)

the:
          Essene                        (s)

here: your father son and holy ghost
in the original first three denominations
of christianity
a schism in Judaism

St Paul the propagator
the violent instigator was a Pharisee
not an Essene
not a Sadducee...

                  Aristocracy
Written Torah
   a Sadducee...

              Theocracy
Oral Torah
Populism
              a Pharisee...

        
             IDEOLOGY... IDEOLOGY...

Asceticism
Communality
Daily Ritual Baptism
Mysticism
Predestination

an Essene...

             an Essence to a Gnostic said: "no" G
                                                               ­ No "g"

Jesus we now have is a Pharisee hell!
Jesus Islam could be
is a Sadducee haven: purgatory...
and Jesus elsewhere:
in Polynesia in paganaism
in Chinese State Atheism
in Hindu juggling
the Essene: came across a Gnostic Jesus:
realized it was me
gave a seat to a *** in Athens
realized: closest i'll ever come
to tease you with the nickname:
a Latin Man:
who from Ventura Troy alias Rome
well: what ******* letter YOD 'ese? th'!

BRAIN FRYER:
ON THE READY?
..........................
GO!
Mateuš Conrad Jun 2024
there are probably two media outlets
(id est: legacy media)
i trust...

i came across one, just today:
the Chinese Observer -
the antithesis of the Guardian in England
watched
two videos:
and became flabbergasted: mouth drooping
and lips and tongue drooling:

how, *******, base!
need some more Chinese influence
of what the concept of free speech is
i believe that
China is any pilgrims' destination
of choice when it comes
to free speech: certainly freer than
WOKE past WAKING
VEST...

if i show you the script
that allowed me to clickbait...
wow! just: wow!
like a child: wow!

CHINA'S LEFTOVER WOMEN
DISTRAUGHT: 36-YEAR-OLD
WITH MASTER'S,
OWNS HOME AND CAR,
REMAINS UNMARRIED

and two:

CHINA'S SIMP ECONOMY
COLLAPSE:
LEFTOVER AND
GOLD-DIGGING WOMEN
CRY LOUDEST AS MEN
STOP CHASING...

how, *******: bass! base!
can you get?
and this is coming from
a media outlet!

that's over a billion people not
crying out in some desperation
this is just
a methodological
sober: dictatorial: not drunk
on the furors of democracy
sort of public pressure
so unhappily missing in
the Integration of Europe
with Islam
and the expulsion of the Hebrews
to their State and
North America:

i like the blunt Chinese thinking:
so wude: allure of alluding
to RUDE: like: blatant man...
like tripping in any way
outside of the realm
of post-Apocalypse
Second World War the Glorification
of Genghis Khan and
Adolf ****** who is my Jesus Christ
Adolf ****** is my Jesus Christ
and didn't Jesus do what Nero
promised to do with the torches?!
just asking:
psychopaths rule the world
and i'm going to pay my dog (the devil)
my dues...

i'll do one better than the invetor
of LSD and the *** that never was
and the history that will never be
where the Left of the Germanic peoples
partied
the Left of the Slavic peoples
were competing with inferior
technology and made fools of
the "endowed": COLONIALISTS...
now leaving them:
wind-rushed!
and all blah blah giggi gimmick
in afro inferno of all talk
but nothing written down: seriously:
written down seriously...

i'm drinking a very pale Welsh whiskey
and i'm about to go cycling
high and tipsy...
watch me become this road demon
traffic shepherd:
i love the Chinese stance on freedom
of speech: in that you can openly
insult
while in the west there's this feministic
quest for talking hush hush:

at least! the Chinese!
know what's best! when it's: tactfully! required!
to put! social pressure on!
in an individuation process!
i love the Chinese i couldn't
tire of what they are:
namely not soy boy Japanese
Samurai makebelieve...

              time to test the waters of man:
tectonic: feel a rhythm of what's to be
alive and functioning with bus drivers
and sewage workers
and not: internet instagram and pornstars
that don't want to **** but
play teddybear *** with you
in one hundred years...

China will survive: Darwin ought to know:
and India will survive
and even though i don't have children
i'd like to be surrounded by men
who will have children
and the children will be sacrificed on
an Unnamed Deity Anti-Moloch
who will bring utility service
and be happy with the grain and grit
and grasp of life
and will be ants and wise
and not want to be influencers
just happy with the winter's cold
and the summer's nausea
and insomnia
and and and and and and and...

i was going to write a piece about
how not intelligent i am
when it comes to my base media digestion:
The Times... newspaper...
i look for intelligence: can't find any in
mime: mine...
the CRYPTIC XWRD puzzle
at the end... below the sport "revenue"...

no 28,951
29 ACROSS:
dry bed at start of evening -
somehow it may help child rest? (5,4)

huh?!

answer: TEDDYBEAR...

28 ACROSS:
wife, healthy swimmer with lots
of blubber! (5)

answer: WHALE...

      ah: not hyper-vigilant on this front
of IQ: i hate cryptic: ahem:
idiosyncratic clues to
ponder: answer?

            whale from W- off of -ife
and then ale... what has drinking a pint of ale
got to do with swimming?

no 28,952
clue: 28 ACROSS
enthusiastic about entertaining
good music (6)

answer: REGGAE...

sorry spaz-e-o! no can do your free alliance
spastic mr mr fantastic of getting
to grips with intelligence...

GAY PRIDE
38 year old PRIDE of ******* a 56 year old
SINGLE MOM
like **** me: proud to be a cancer recipient?
proud *** but no gender
just bad and blah grammar...

why wouldn't anyone not admire
the Chinese policy on freedom of speech?
their ******* media outlets are
more free in expressing themselves
than any individual
and what's amazing because
for all the stressing of freedom of speech
in the west:
in the end: no one has anything to actually
talk about
or confront with speech
because there's no thinking invoked to
involve a corruption of the status quo:

such dwindling numbers that
nothing except being confrontational per se
is actually: cognitively stimulating
so i don't: simply don't understand
this western freedom allowance
to dictate: but you have it! you should
preserve it!
freedom of what is said:
freedom of what is spoken:
freedom of what is thought:
freedom of the effort to scribble down:
freedom of the effort to read
but not recite?

oh the Chinese are way ahead of western
societies:
their media outlets
are not censors... funny ha ha hat of invisibility
ON: there is a heavier leverage of
censorship in the west than
there is in China: under a dictatorship so-called...

for fork's sake:
we have policemen and politicians
making a profit
from gambling on the election date!
they put bets on when the election
day would happen
and you want me to believe
in that crippling ancient Greek thought
experiment
and not the Sword of Damocles
and the fine print of a few people
taking action and will
and bonding it: the ******* WILL
the will of Allah and Blah-Lah and Yah...

oh the Chinese are admirable:
just have a watch of those two videos
by the Chinese Spectator:
so base... bass...
a people motivated by evolution
and tectonic pressures to survive in such
an amassed number of examples:
but no gain from stressing
exemplars of said examples...
Mateuš Conrad Jun 2024
Romans 8:17

Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

dating a woman 20 years older
could be my mother
probably is
ungrateful fruit of passion
and knowledge
i am: grateful...

       i come home from a Taylor Swift
friendship bracelets
while she leaves messaging bands
all over the home
and grandma is evil apple rubbing
her hands
and they read as:

ROMANS 8:17
...  as no longer the gift of god as matthew:
as the heir or god
therefore quickly: Wethtam...
quickest: mirror please...

                LOOKSMAxxING CASE
I LOVE BRAINROT
                  you have SKIBIDI toilet
          RINZ
you've got this ALPHA
                  freak bob
  was here...
                WHOA
                                     THERE     sigma!

now this pristine Jewish Christian
gay girl or am i seriously:
just worked the event:
now i couldn't just:
enjoy myself like a Swiftie...
      
              but **** me you're gonna get
those friendship bracelets!
Mateuš Conrad Jun 2024
a day without meat:

last night i allowed a mosquito
to feed off me
while sitting in darkness
and a garden

of my own toils
when my next door neighbor finally
replaced her fencing:
the groundwork
began...

the groundwork began
i had to unearth so many trees and their
roots
their brains
dead from no light
the roots and the source of roots
like
playing Cards
me on the floor
by the couch
and my Father asleep
on the couch: Pb
the cards:
watching England draw with Slovenia
(not Slovakia)

i feel a sort of subtle Pan-Slavic-Theism
since the Germanic peoples
do not have members of their ethnicity
in the religious category of Orthodoxy...

kinda sneering at Catholics
this Protestant lot
these Schism that's Christianity
the Cannibalism:

i made a promise: testing it:
will it become religiously prestige OUS
NOUS NOUNS...
but just dawns on me while micro-dosing
hearing stories of how black
guys abused cannabis
and didn't see the MELANGE
the HERB to Dune's Spice...
we need the 'ERBERUS

but i see the parallels: perhaps Frank Herbert
was thinking about Lawrence of Arabia
and the ugly Turk:
my barber? yes: probably my barber
and when they say how much they smoke
and smoked
and here's me SHAMANIC micro-dosing
because i love the effect
of this gateway honing in on consciousness
making productive avenues:

ounces and scallops
and bags and bags
like bodies of the stuff
clearly the pink in pink
of the eyes
or the green in pink and brown and blue
in pink: unlike a blue in blue
her darkness a brown
around a black of pupil...

        but me and my poor 3.5g a month
and i smoke everyday: mind you...
but then i'm also
cogni-scient...
i know or should know the alternative
of that spelling
cogniescient:

    constant

my father came with me to the dentist
today
and my dentist almost lost the plot
unlike going to a barber
or a *******:
i just love how they now equip
you with sunglasses
and you relax
while someone puts their hands into your
mouth
unlike putting your ****
into someone else's or rather someone
wanting to put your **** in your mouth
like archetypes of octopii
snakes
                 lizards spiders foxes
bears and lions... hawks
kestrels: robins and crows... swans...
some variations of a dinosaur...
me talking mushrooms and insect brains...

i want to work so me smoking while
getting to grips with narrative i had
as sketches
and images and grunts in my head
now trickle to Loki and my handsfree
typewriter for Tom Hanks
or *** *** Rod Steward
and the model train set...

                   we need to understand something
about war and woman and wooing and woe
and we need to know something is not
exactly as it might have been
in 1960s literature...

                                       dynastic-slaughterhouse
because we all know the clue culprits
of World War I and II in the house of
Windsor
and from Victoria
Weimar and Versailles -
Chamberlain speaking - waving a **** goodbye
then Churchill being a nice doggy:
no dodge:
like i am no luvvie dubby...
                
time as nothing more than a:
day by day day in day out
what boring Time
but man invented Time
while God invented Space
God has no real definition of time
while man has...
God Created Space because God is Time:
but if God is Time
then there is no God as God
only Time as Time
therefore: this space: pockets of it: before me...

i'll test the hallucinogenic voices
when dementia props its ugly head
in the DNA gene-historicity
if my fellow sons, cousins,
fathers, uncles, great-grandfathers...
went down the routes so
hardly to be plagiarized...

                                       being and time
being and nothing:
nothing is not in the dimension of time:
time cannot contain the conditioning toward
a nothing-gravity
a nothing-burger
a nothing-water
a nothing-worm....

                       nothing is a space...
a pocket of space....
being is time: ergo Heidegger's youth was
about:

     to be and being...

          TO BE AND BEING
time and time:
being and being...

                                    hmm: the Missus started
flaking, texting...
jeez what sneeze what loose
what EH O: Nigerian: LO YO!
GINGERI BO YO
SUM RO LO................................
**** me the Missus calls
i can't be here having literary
ambitions
paying rent
blah blah
she a realist
gonna sort my life out
like i'll be having
a mommy mummy
a mo
      moo
    U A a mummy...

              like for 10 years...
great *** great *******
like older than me so more
flexible... older than me by 20
and like in gayworld crusader jargon
the bad seed of CIS CISTIC GNOSIS
reproducing evil
and the little goods...
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