It has been six or seven years now,
Since that day I signed the papers,
Giving my life away,
Literally,
My brother and I,
Finally find a home,
To stay,
To be loved,
Even if I don't always like my "new" family,
I know that I'm loved,
And that makes me smile.

her body up against mine
we are in the woods
and its dark

your lips taste like cherry lip gloss
and all i can think is 'oh ****'
but you whisper in my ear
secrets not to be contained

Like the biggest problem in my life,
This feeling of "Tell me whats going to happen NOW!",
I hate not knowing, I hate waiting, I hate not having you,
And I yell, and I stay up late,
Laying there, thinking,
Why, or how or when....
And I yell at other people for absolutely no reason,
And I curse at everyone and everything,
I try to take my mind off of it,
By writing, or skating, or playing the guitar...
Which I **** at all of those things,
Which makes me angrier that I am so stupid,
That I can't just respect your decision of waiting,
But to tell you the truth it kills me,
It literally kills me,
And I'm sorry.

Inside of my head:
It is lighter than white,
And it’s darker than black.
Inside my chest it’s all tight,
Like my hearts in a sack.
Before I fall asleep, I try not to think;
My eyes start watering up and I can hardly blink.
It’s like walking up forty flights of stairs to my own plight.
I want to climb up just for the sight.
But whenever I look up at the night,
You are the only thing I see tonight.
I’m up in the air like a kite,
Then I fall to the bottom before I can find flight.
It’s like I’m living in another day or another time.
And in my fear of losing myself, I lose my mind.

You made your decision,
Now I'm making mine...

First guilt,
Then pain,
Then numbness,
Now nothing.

Eight Months Clean

I love you.

Your looks of jealousy,
They haunt me,

"It was for the best,"
But are you back to stay,

Or are you like a fleeting dove,
On the wind,
Also known as my heart...

And shining like,
The original residents.
I have replaced my night skies,
With constellations that I named after,
You.
Each in its own way representing,
You.
Your laughter,
Or,
That one there,
Not a constellation but,
A shooting star.
I wrote that one after your,
Smile.
These papers are all stars,
To me,
Because,
Each has something about,
You.

My past haunts me...
Like a ghost in my head...
Someone exorcise these demons...
My past,
Like a crumpled up *** of paper in my trash bin....
So many good ideas,
So why did I throw them away?

I can't stop,
This feeling,
Why do you do this,
Making me like you?

She walks upon skies of stars,
And talks the talk of flowers.
If only I could be of her race:
Beauty.
Her laughter obnoxious and free.
She doesn't care who hears or sees.
Why should she?
She is always happy,
With or without me.
It seems....
I can't stop thinking about her,
Because,
She walks upon skies of stars.
Every step she takes a new
Constellation is made and
Named after her.
And she talks the talk of flowers.
Every word a petal or a thorn.
Every sentence a daisy or a rose.
If only I could be of her race:
Beauty.

for her eyes shone like the moon light
and her feet quick as the wind
but she still felt empty
as if his presence made her full
of stars and dreams of holding hands
and still all she wanted...
was to sleep

A waterfall of brown
Strands and locks.
Sometimes curving,
Or just flowing.
Down a bank of pebbles,
Like water from a stream.
I love the way the
Individual hairs like
Water droplets splash
From the rest of the river.

Your lips curved like a crescent moon
Your hips also
Will it be soon
You ask
My reply
It will
Then when will we leave
Soon I say
Again
With more force
And yet we never left

Pools of shimmering
Glitter.
Brighter than holy
Stars.
Reflecting and I
Feel ***** in your
Sight.
Across the classroom
I request a trip to the
Bathroom.
Just to check in the mirror
To see if I am still
Alive.

Music and poetry,
Sadness and memories,
School work and hell,
Blankets and snow,
IFHY and ILY
Terms,
Correlations,
Differences,
And connections.

I am still in my past,
I realized after much thought,

That is all I do any more,
Is think,
Thinking still even now,
For words to contain...
My,
Sorrow,
Pain,
Heartache,

I am still in my past,
I realized after much thought...

Rich, black soil
All around.
I cup my ear to hear the sound.

Of your voice,
Neither near or far.
You’ve left me standing
With a diamond in a jar.

You say,
“You reap just what you sow.”
Then tell me how long
Till my garden grows?

Cuz I am continuously
Falling down;
Planting my diamonds
In the ground.

Maybe one day they’ll
Grow into a tree.
And sprout diamonds
From every leaf.

My love is given to her,
The one who holds my heart,
Or maybe the one who wants it back...

"Who?", you ask,
As for me, I give no response,
I need time to think, to ponder...

"What are you going to do?", you ask,
As for me I have no answer,
I need sleep and a serendipity...

Someone else make these decisions for me,
No not the one who holds my heart,
Nor the one who wants it back...

But as for me, I give no attempt,
No, no I do not try to get her back,
The one who wants my heart back...

Because although I forgave her,
When she left me,
It didn't break my heart, it broke my empathy...

And as for the one who holds my heart,
I hope she puts the pieces of me together again,
Before I make the wrong (or maybe right) decision...

There is a door at the end of this hall,
And I’m going to go through it.
There are clouds up in the sky,
And I’m going to go view them.
As soon as I get through this hall.
The doorway is large and I am narrow.
Yet the farther I go down the hall,
The longer it gets.

"Imagination is greater than knowledge." - Einstein

Snow falls outside my window,
Fog turned against the glass,
Like a monster trying to free itself,
From the cold outside,
My own breath,
Matched against the glass,
My breath and the cold fog,
Separated by a pane of,
Glass.
But never met.

Where did the time go
When you were on top of me?
And still we laid there loving
And laughing
Until someone caught us

For her,
As it always should have been.
For her,
As it always should be.
For her,
When her heart is full of grief,
And she is crying over me.

After the silence settles
Like dust.
We hardly feel dumb struck.
Sideways glances—
To say with my eyes:
For her.

And her long hair,
And her loud voice,
And the long walks,
And the loud laughs,

Will never be mine again.
--For her.

For her,
As it always should have been.
For her,
As it always should be,
For her,
When her hearts full of grief,
And she’s crying cuz of me.

After the silence settles,
Like dust.
We hardly feel dumb struck.
Sideways glances to say with my eyes:
For her.

And her long hair,
And her loud laugh,
And the long walks,
And the loud laughs,
Will never be mine again.

--For her--

This is for the lions in the broken down chests
Of my chain smoking friends.
This is for the snakes in the heads of people I
Don’t necessarily like.
This is for anyone above the ground,
The people doing “great” and “fine”.
But this is mostly for the ones that have no
Where to go. And nothing to do.
This is for those below.

For a time I felt like I was drowning.
My feet were solid, but my head was below water.
I was the Titanic, I wasn’t supposed to sink.
You were an iceberg, you came out of nowhere.
And we all know where that story ends.

You say you’re confident with the decision you made,
But I hear you crying over the phone.

And anyone who’s ever lost someone
Close to them.
And anyone who’s ever lost someone
Who loved them back,
It may feel like you are 70 miles below the ground.
Just remember that the further you go down,
The farther you come up the other side.
And you may end up in China or Antarctica.
But at least you are above the ground.

When you whisper in my ear
And kiss me when no one is looking
I tell myself I got it made
Even though I haven't slept in days

How do you do it?
Making me feel this way,
Still I wonder while dreaming of you when I should be sleeping
And my heart is out on the pavement

Maybe if you come this way,
I 'll put it back in my chest
'Cuz if you ever left,
It wouldn't break my heart
It'd break my torso...

Like a song that never sings,
The music I once heard from your lips,
Are to never return,
Is it?

Like the colors you used to make up,
No one else could see them,
But oh,
You see them all too clearly now.

And the noises, the smells, the feelings,
They all rush back to you don't they?
But oh,
You aren't to say one word of these things.

Besides you promised yourself,
One poem,
Wouldn't bring you back to him,
Begging on you knees!

Your pride,
Oh how your pride stings me,
But soon,
You die like the bees at the unkown spots,


Hiding from me,
And the rest of the world,
And how you put on your show,
Pretending your fine.

Down this lonely road,
Trees hang over with a melancholy tone.
I carry a burdensome load,
Which I have hardly ever shown.

Along these yellow lines I walk,
I know the end of the path is near.
Everything is silent, so I refuse to talk,
When it is dark I shall show no fear.

I lift my head to see the way,
I will close my eyes for only a moment.
At the end I know I will pay,
For things I said and did: thus atonement.

These scars I carry will eventually fade,
When I choose to stop reopening them.
I cannot stop here in the shade,
For I have a while to walk past them.

Five years now I have fallen down,
A lonely path never trodden.
I pretend to wear a gem filled crown,
Only to feel it and find it rusted and sodden.




My coat is wet and worn,
My shoes’ tread long gone.
My shirt is ***** and torn,
But I choose to walk on.

Because at the end of this dark path I see,
A home worth walking towards.
With a family who truly loves me,
I have no choice but to walk forward.

You know this,
I am so deep within myself,
Not sleeping,
Ever.
And guess where I talk to you now?
No?
My dreams,
And my blank staring,
My day dreaming-
Has countless conversations with you.
Still,
After all these days,
I can't *******,
Stop.
Thinking about that three hour period,
I skipped to get nothing,
Accomplished in a computer lab,
But walking,
And talking,
I saw the honey and sugar,
Drip from your lips...
But still too scared to kiss them.

In my head even though it's already full,
Of webs and dust,
Pull the light,
My glass is half empty,
Now and yet I still run after the,
Stars and push them as far back in my,
Head as they will go,
I try so hard to be,
As happy as you are,
But I'm afraid it's not,
Enough.

I don’t care if you’ve got long hair,
If it’s short or if it’s pink.
I don’t care if you’re short as a stump,
Or tall as a tree.
All I care is how much you love.
Is it a little,
Or a lot?
If we were to fight,
Would it be right,
To put some space in the middle?

If all I did was write poems,
I’d be writing for days and days.
If all I did was homework,
I’d **** myself in many different ways.
If all I did was work I didn't want to do,
I’d make sure I’d get paid.
If all I did was sing songs,
I’d have to find a guitar to play.
If all I did was sit around eating,
My best friend would be Lay’s.

Are you wandering through the grass?
Climbing trees and down through brooks.
Your legs so short they were
Swallowed by the creek.
I wouldn't be surprised if you
Floated out to sea.
I don't suppose you remember,
The times we gave and received.
I don't suppose you remember,
The times we fought and teased.
I never liked the black pants
Or the black tie.
And my dress pants never seem to
Fit just right.
Looking at stained glass windows,
The colors represent different people I know.
I don't suppose you remember,
The times we gave and received.
I don't suppose you remember,
The times we fought and teased.

you'll be the first person i'll tell
it's all a bunch of *******...
your just a hypocrite...
and i'm just a ****...
i would sing you songs until you stab me
i would only raise an octave at the sight of the blood.
i would write you poems until you cut off my fingers,
i would put the pen in my mouth and write with my teeth if i had to.
you could run away
and i could follow.

you said "i love you" sounds to fake.
and "i hate you" sounds just right.
and i won't lie,
it's a long walk from my house to yours.

i would fight your boyfriend if i had to,
and you could be my best friend if you wanted to,
but we both know
that im an introvert
and your that weird thing
to where you like to talk to everyone.

and i guess im typing and babbling now,
but that just explains the fact
you told me to calm down,
and stop smoking
cuz you thought i would get cancer or something.

but i was young and didn't think i had to care about that stuff
now im older and know that i should.

and if i could take you back
what then?
your heart would still have the scars
of being left behind
im more sorry than ever
ya know
and i know i could never
change all the times i told you i loved you
because they were heartfelt
and true
because of you
i dont know where i am anymore
and im scared you will move on
and not give me another chance
to prove to you
what i really am
what we could really be
please speak to me

To say sorry.

A rainbow against my,
Wall,
It bounces back just down the,
Hall,
With a tremendous leap and being very,
Tall,
I keep it from the rainbow snatchers who,
Call,
Curses after me with,
Drawl.

Courage to say sorry,
Or even,
Goodbye.
I'm leaving soon you see?
Our time is up soon.
It is my fault.
My love has come quickly,
Turning around,
Your ankles and dragging you,
To the depths of my own,
Despair,
Like a,
Waterfall.

over and over
words come washing over me
i try to cover
myself.
but once again i am reminded
that u are gone
and im the bad guy
again.

i told you to let me go,
but at the same time though,
i want to be in your arms,
and brush your cheeks with my thumb.

as the trees lost their leaves,
neither of us knew how to breathe,
because even though we were falling apart,
i knew exactly where we came from.

Some people love freely,
And end up with a broken heart.
Some people hide away,
And never encounter love’s strange ways.
And still some walk on
With c a u t i o n.
Taking risks only every now and then.
And the ones they love,
Slowly chip away at their heart.
At least they can say,
“I tried anyways.”

I meant it when I said I
Love you

Me                                                                                                                 You
Dogs                                                                                                      Cats
Angry                                                                                                      Happy
Sad                                                                                                            Sassy
Tall                                                                                                         Short
Short hair                                                                                          Long hair
Dependent                                                                                 Independent
Needy                                                                                           Self-sufficient
Writer                                                                                                 All-around
Okay                                                                                            Amazing
Blah                                                                                                           B.L.A
Ugly                                                                                                      Beautiful
Annoying                                                                                         Cute
****                                                                                                        Nice
Straight forward                                                               Sometimes confusing
"I love you"                                                                                          **?

Black ink against white paper,
You took the wrapper off your favorite flavor,
Eyes met mine and begged for a favor,
I resisted,
But you insisted,
That I,
Talked to you late at night,
Like the moon does with its favorite star,
You,
Shined brighter than the sun,
Reflected and spread like dust against mars,
I couldn't resist your cuteness,
So I made jokes to explain my rudeness,
And you laughed and forgot about the brokenness of our track
I took your heart and pinned it up with a tack,
I wrote words of meaning on your ventricles,
Until one day my pen pierced one of your valves,
It was my fault your blood spilled on the floor,
That familiar feeling of guilt came knocking on my door,
You took your heart,
Ran away to mend your wounds,
Treated me with silence until my loose paper was few,
The poems flew,
And most were for you,
My pen is out of ink and now my heart is out of room.

I AM THE BAD GUY IN THIS STORY,
YOU ARE THE PRINCESS IN THE TOWER.
HE WILL BE YOUR KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR,
AND I AM THE DRAGON PACING EVERY HOUR.

WHO AM I TO BE YOUR KNIGHT?
YOU PUSH ME OUT AND LOCK THE TOWER.
HE WILL COME ALONG WITH HIS SHINY SWORD,
AND THE DRAGON WILL RUN AND COWER.

YOU SAY YOU NEED NO KNIGHT AFTER ALL,
SO YOU RUN FAR AWAY FROM THE TOWER.
THE KNIGHT GOES AWAY AND THE DRAGON IS LEFT ALONE.
AND SO HE SITS ALONE IN THE TOWER.

I ONCE STOOD TALL, BUT NOW I'M SHORT,
I REALIZE YOU DON'T NEED ME ANYMORE.
SO I'LL SIT HERE WAITING FOR
ANOTHER PRINCESS TO COME LOCK THE DOOR.