You don't text me for months and months

Then suddenly you have the nerve to say "Hey how are you?"

Then I don't hear a word from you for a full week, and suddenly my phone buzzes once again with a message from you.

Apparently you miss me.

That doesn't even make sense, I'm not the type people miss.
Why are you doing this to me? Telling me I used to make you nervous when I sat near you, saying you were too scared to even make eye contact with me, and I throw my phone at the couch because you need to stop this. It's not fair. Stop doing this to me.