To my best friends

a vow of loyalty

I swear to you, if a punchbuggy drives by, you will not be able to move your arm for a week.

I swear to you, I will help you finish anything you start. Especially your fries.

I swear I will impale any guy who cheats on you.

I swear any guy who breaks your heart will wonder how his limbs came to be unattached from his body over night.

I swear any ***** that gives you trouble will wonder where her eyebrows and ears when, in the morning when she wakes up.

I swear I will protect you from everything and anything I can.

I swear I will care more about your problems than you do.

I swear I will not only be more concerned about your love life than you are, but make your happiness love-wise my own personal mission in life above any of my needs.

I swear I will let you outrun me if there is a bear chasing us. Mainly because I **** at running, but also so that you can get away. No, it is mostly because I am bad at running.