My father asked me how my love life was
I always get embarrassed talking to him about this topic
Wondering if he’ll be disappointed that I’ve never had a girlfriend for longer than a month ignoring that he’s always telling me I’m too young for something long term.
I told him about you, I told him about the one before you too.
He asked me why I don’t pursue relationships
Why I constantly push people away

“I’m afraid of being responsible for the emotions of another being, afraid of being the blade that pierces their souls, taking that last bit of innocence they have left. I can’t take the guilt of being the person to cause an emotional tipping or turning point in someone else’s life.” I answered. “I don’t have a consciences guiltless enough to be running through someone else’s head I never wanted to be in without splitting myself in half.”

He asked me if that was true then why am I helplessly putting myself in the pre stages of my own potential nightmare, and not leaving it out all together.

“You see dad,” I replied, "I’d rather take the risk of quivering in my bed every night, recovering from the casualties inflicted when those hands hacked at my chest and broke my ribs before extracting my heart, and have that tongue lick my ribs clean to the bone, in the hopes of having those same hands pulling me up from the undertow when the tide gets higher, and have that same cannibalistic tongue whispering empty sounds in my ear in the hopes that I don’t let go. I’d prefer to have that dance with fate than be responsible for the suffering of someone else.”  

I tilted my neck forward as I awkwardly ran my fingers through my hair.  

“I’m searching for someone to be responsible for my bliss and suffering instead.”