i went with them
on cigarette breaks, and they watched
me shiver in an outfit
not exactly appropriate
for fall. i saw them looking
before i chose to look at the stars
instead. there were rusted swings
and all i could do was move
back and forth. they whispered
to each other and i knew
what they were saying and i knew that
they told you i was there and how
austin kept staring
and how pj tried to get me
alone.
how matt and chad and i were kindred
for a night. how i couldn’t bear
to erase the texts, not yet. it was midnight
before we even started walking
chad was the one who suggested it,
and i followed.
matt did, too, and carol
came because i am small and she wasn’t
about to let me go
alone. so we walked.
chad and i were in front
and we found a common ground
that i don’t think we’ll ever find
again. matt trailed behind, but I knew he heard
every word. i wondered if they thought
i would **** myself if they left me
like you did. matt stayed with me
while the others walked a different way
later i was truly alone
until chad came to find me. my face was wet
but he pretended not to see. we ran
back. i was breathless,
but i couldn't stop. it was 3am
and the beer was gone
but i knew just what i needed so
i sat in the bath tub eating toast
the next day i had to go
home. but i swore i’d always remember
there was one good time
without you.