i.
He’s online. You haven't talked in what feels like forever but has only been a few days. You realize you've said something horrible and you can never take it back. You just want to reside back to his arms once again like before. Kiss his soft lips and the tip of his nose. Hold hands and blush at the innocence of it without his knowledge. Take a long walk and stop at the river to smoke cigarettes and watch the stars by the waterfront. Laugh and joke about the things the majority would say is “wrong”. But you can’t, he needs his space, he needs time to readjust. You’re scared. Scared he’ll never talk to you again. You took him for granted and you know that now. But you can’t fix it until they message you a “Hey”.
ii.
Then your life starts to fall apart. You can’t go back to school because you’re too old. Your parents won’t stop yelling at you about it, and now they want you to get a job to help pay the bills but your anxiety makes you inept. You get slapped and hit with hard objects being thrown at you leaving bruises the size of baseballs on your thighs and arms. You can’t take all this ******* ******* coming at you all at once. You just want to grab a sharp object and stab your jugular or slit your wrists and bleed out on your bedroom floor. You need someone to talk to. You talked to your best friend but he just feels sorry for you. You need HIM. Just him. Only he can alleviate this anguish.
iii.
You’re terrified. It’s like a game of hide and seek. You have to trust that what you had lost will be found again. If he doesn’t forgive you what will you have? You’ll feel so alone and unloved. “Will I ever find love again?” You couldn’t fathom the idea of falling in love with another human being. You ARE in love with him. That’s why it hurts. You feel like you can’t breathe. You’re sick and he’s always on your mind. You’re drowning. Being stabbed by a million knives straight to the chest. You. Are. In. Love. With. Him. If he doesn’t forgive you, what will that mean? Darling, you’ll be the end of me.