all the strangeness & sadness in the world
gets under my skin at three a.m. with the lights off
the world falls fast asleep
as my fingers pray their nervous way
to grasp at my stomach, measuring.
always measuring.
there’s always pills with breakfast
& food i don’t want to eat, a room
full of faces & i can’t even recognize my own.

when it’s cold & my lips are numb, teeth clattering,
i am finally alive. winter is a wild thing,
dragging out the demons until they go for the throat.
i want a feeling so hard it hurts.
i want any feeling at all.

listen: there’s a million reasons i have to stay alive
even though there are days when the one not to
is the only thought to occupy my mind.

my sadness is not sweet
it’s the mornings i can’t drag myself out of bed
because i’m so violently miserable
& you haven’t even left yet.