it wasn’t always cherry chapstick kisses & origami lilies,
but i tell myself not to remember  the way i cried over you,
learning the way loss tastes like saltwater,
feels like the hectic seaside, storming away
i never knew a girl could crack me open at the hinges
until you

we were always too supernova
never knowing quite what was happening
when we met skin to skin & flared from the intensity
those days were an amusement park ride, sometimes up
more often down
but we were never wrong, or at least
i think we could’ve Made It or even been Forever
given a fair chance
i always wished i was more rabbit fur to the touch,
less gun muzzle nuzzling your ribs
my sadness was a burden i didn’t want you to bear
my sadness is the dead tree limb hanging from the apple tree
i’m sorry i didn’t make you more chocolate frosting
i’m sorry i didn’t know the right words to say
i’m sorry i wasn’t enough to help you be whole again

it wasn’t always you & i, even though
it’s hard to remember anything before
& it’s been five years
five years
i’m still too ******* soft for you
i’m still too sentimental

my poems are rarely about you anymore
but every heart metaphor & ragged feeling
had to come from somewhere
when i dredge up the memories,
the happy bits come up before the rest
the way you wanted to eat noodles with me at midnight
the way we knew how to hold each other from the first time
the way i wasn’t bones with you & my eyes were bright

i’ve always been into you like a moth to the lamplight
& you’re going to be safe forever
they’re going to love you
& i miss you like winter & nighttime smoke fixes
but i’m okay now
& i hope you are too