I used to dream of being drowned because it tasted a lot like freedom. whenever i closed my eyes, i pictured my own funeral, with less people coming than i expected. busy traffic was my favorite thing because i could imagine myself stepping on the asphalt-covered road and pretend that i didn't see the truck coming. oh dear, i would love to live in an abandoned building just to befriend the ghosts and the lost memories.

but now i wake up with the little voice in my head telling me that it won't be that bad, that i can go through another day without tearing off my skin. i dress up and i still hate the view in the mirror but i feel the butterflies in my stomach when you show up at my door at 6 am. i love how your hands don't quite fit mine yet we still hold them together ((it makes me feel safe)). when i am given the numbers of history essay to finish and economy project to do, i cringe but i don't ***** like i used to. i only cry at midnight or when i remember all the things i used to love and hate at the same time. i really like the nighttime now, because the dark sky reminds me of the past and the glowing moon reminds me of my hope for the future.

your lips taste like darkness and something inevitable;

i think i'm getting better now.