I thought when I realized what made me happy, what motivates me to work hard I could have peace.
Maybe it would make me better having this realization.
I pictured myself actually working hard and feeling motivated to something before 9 o'clock at night.

But then I didn't.
Why didn't I?
Why does it seem so hard for me?
It really isn't.

Finding out that I'm kind of just a disappointment because of my love for cramming my life with as much as I can didn't really help either.
I don't understand how it could be bad.
It just means I fill all that wasted time with not necessarily productive things, but certainly nothing bad.
Then, when I'm done at 9, it's productive time.
It's perfect!
for me...
But not so much when 9 o'clock doesn't roll around until breakfast or just before the bell rings.
And I guess not so much when I let them down, even though I still don't understand why.

Is that ignorance?
Like a puppy dragging mud through the house.
Never truly understanding why it's so bad cause he just went out to *** and came back in.
Only learning through the scolding looks and raised voices that he should avoid it, not because he agrees with his parents and thinks it's wrong.

It doesn't really even matter though.
The passion seems to be gone either way so why not cave in and learn to wipe my paws before I step in the door.

But I'm still searching.
My passion,
my motivation,
my strive,
they're all there just waiting,
waiting for me to find them.
So I keep searching.

I will find them.