for someone who usually remembers to put on her smile every morning before she goes down to eat breakfast, i've been crying lots. my people are in an uproar i mean why do you think my hairs are always standing up on end? i sweat too much even though i'm always shivering and doc says i'm just stressed but i think my body is just searching for more ways to cry because my tear supply is running low and there are no refill stations around for miles. i never understood why people twiddle their thumbs or why it's called 'twiddle' and the day before the day before yesterday i told the girl next door that i felt like a pigeon that wanders into a busy street and freezes when a car is steadily speeding towards it.

my first grade teacher taught me the difference between horizontal, vertical, and parallel lines using words that followed a tune. little did she know that i'd be using those words eight years later to decide how i want my arms to be decorated and i mean yes scars fade or at least partially but i'd rather choose what happens to my body than have you choose for me. all of your promises snap like twigs and i think that's how you'll also break my heart. "are you bitter?" maybe maybe not but my heart is certainly past its expiry date and it's rotting much more quickly than i ever thought possible and i wish i knew why since my body is more frigid than the inside of an ice cream truck although maybe the problem is that it doesn't play welcoming music
i need to blast music in my room and then scream louder than it louder than the sound of a plane landing louder than the drumming in your chest louder than the groans that broke free from your lips when i tore myself away from you even though we were krazy glued together. i wish you could hear how your words endlessly echo and bounce off of the brick walls inside of my head because then you might realize the grand effect you have on me. an elephant doesn't forget or... something along those lines; speaking of (oh my, it always comes back to these) lines, we should discuss how the lines you gave me were always different. they were deep, so deep, deeper than the deep end at the community pool. i often found myself stuck in them and only after they began to close did i realize you stole my ladder after i climbed down.

i feel like my body has amnesia but my mind has been 'spared' i mean the muscles in my face have forgotten which ones must go taut in order to smile and my hands stumble whenever i try to undo the buttons of your shirt. at one point i would have given up anything in order to forget this madness i mean how nice it would be to fall and get up but in foreign land with an empty backpack and a full wallet.

bye.

I MEAN GOD I CAN'T TAKE IT even my farewells aren't proper and i wish you stayed up late to talk to me like you used to when i cried at night but you got sick of me-and i mean literally sick i remember hearing you gag into the porcelain bowl- when those nights became constant and my tears began to liquefy our 'forever' glue. forever wasn't supposed to be the amount of time it takes for a premature baby to be born and i mean our premature baby didn't even live because its heart couldn't beat properly and that's when i realize that my heart only beats strongly when i'm with you i miss our nightly "i love you"s although they became more routine than anything. i found myself running out of sincere words to give you but my hugs were always tight and long. always. we had our "okay?" "okay." moments way before either of us read that John Green book.

i haven't sobbed this hard since i smelled my grandmother on my pillowcase that one night and tears soaked that scent almost immediately nd now they're just kind of pooling in the crook of my neck and usually i love puddles but this isn't one that the sun will drink up. i hate it when people say all people are the same i mean we call everyone "you" when we directly address them i have said 'you' countless times in this mess of a poem while referring to a ton of different people. i mean honestly nothing is the same ever not even snowflakes. oh god i feel like my tears are eroding the skin on my face oh god i can't deal with having mountainous terrain there oh god the only reason you love me anyway is because my skin is (was) smooth oh god. i do a hell of a lot of talking without even saying anything.

bye once again and please don't send me letters like the last time.